Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner asking me to 'cover up'

676 replies

Hurryupchristmas · 23/01/2024 16:16

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PleaseDontEatMyStuntPineapple · 02/02/2024 01:31

@Hurryupchristmas how are you doing? I hope everything is going OK. Did you have a chat with your BF?

Mimsy123 · 04/02/2024 00:41

Was this yet another of those nonsense stories then? It wouldn’t be the first on here. All that attention and then no follow up, despite the number of people who are clearly concerned.

Original poster
Hurryupchristmas · 04/02/2024 11:53

Mimsy123 · 04/02/2024 00:41

Was this yet another of those nonsense stories then? It wouldn’t be the first on here. All that attention and then no follow up, despite the number of people who are clearly concerned.

I did follow up, albeit briefly, to say I'm ok and wore what I wanted. It's very kind of everyone to be concerned.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 04/02/2024 11:58

I am glad you did that. To be fair you did say in your update you’d come back with a fuller update, and when you didn’t people worried.

I know you will have struggled with what so many of us said. I hope you will keep thinking about it .

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2024 12:00

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

Are you being sarcastic?

SamW98 · 04/02/2024 12:02

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

Showing a bit of cleavage is hardly ‘scantily clad’ get a grip ffs

And a woman can wear what she wants without it being about men.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 12:03

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

Piss off back to your MRA mates.

IncompleteSenten · 04/02/2024 12:05

Hurryupchristmas · 04/02/2024 11:53

I did follow up, albeit briefly, to say I'm ok and wore what I wanted. It's very kind of everyone to be concerned.

Show quote history

I think people were wondering how it went because of your brief update where you said you'd update properly the following day then didn't

Not that you owe us any update at all! Please don't think thst. It's just I think some of us might have been a bit concerned that disappearing and not saying anything about how he behaved or if he said or did anything meant things didn't go well for you.

It would, sadly, be far from the first time that a poster didn't say what had happened after they'd stood up for themselves because the man became abusive or they backed down to keep the peace with him and (wrongly) felt embarrassed to say so.

whatsappdoc · 04/02/2024 12:29

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

You twerp

Original poster
Hurryupchristmas · 04/02/2024 12:47

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

James is that you?! 😂

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/02/2024 12:47

Hurryupchristmas · 04/02/2024 12:47

James is that you?! 😂

Show quote history

I'll eat my hat if 'Trish' is actually a 'Trish.'

MeandT · 04/02/2024 15:50

So is, errr 'James' a thing of the past, or has he climbed back in his box?

Thehigheroffer · 04/02/2024 15:54

😂

StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 17:49

@TrishM80 @MrsDanversGlidesAgain
l repeat my earlier post, if a man tried to control me like this, l would go out in a sheer top, sans bra.

The female form is nothing to be ashamed of.

SeaBlueSky · 04/02/2024 18:00

So @Hurryupchristmas are you going to say what James’ reaction was to your outfit on Saturday?

StrawberryWater · 04/02/2024 18:16

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

People who sexualise clothes are weird.

StarlightLady · 04/02/2024 18:45

StrawberryWater · 04/02/2024 18:16

People who sexualise clothes are weird.

Show quote history

People who see sexualisation in all aspects of the body are weirder. We are talking clevage here. It is something that comes with the female body.

whatsitcalledwhen · 04/02/2024 19:02

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

OP described how she wanted to dress:

Literally just not a high neck top, maybe just a hint of cleavage showing.

Even if she was 'scantily clad' she's perfectly entitled to be.

But she didn't want to be. She just wanted to wear a top that isn't a high neck one.

So your post isn't relevant.

Original poster
Hurryupchristmas · 04/02/2024 19:47

I apologise for the delay, I have been so busy and work has been crazy.

So a proper update:

I wore a top that I knew he wouldn't have approved of, more of a test to see how he would react. He told me I looked nice but it was an outfit that would get attention (it really wouldn't 🙄). I told him to get a grip and said in no uncertain terms I will wear what I want going forward.

I said he has two choices, either shut up and let me wear as I please, or walk away from the relationship. He then told me I was being ridiculous. So I said I'm off out now so pick one! He looked in shock to be honest, but after reading everyone's advice on here I knew I was in the right, so stood firm.

I went out and had a great time with friends, I expected him to message me to perhaps moan or argue etc, but he simply said "Have a great time babe, love you very much".

The next day we had a proper discussion, he did apologise and said perhaps he took things too far. I said I'm not going to stand for anyone trying to control me and I'm cross I allowed him to. I said I had seeked advice from "friends" and we all agreed he was in the wrong. He has assured me it is his issue he needs to work on and he won't treat me this way again.

Since then he has been super attentive and kind and hasn't bought up the issue. However, I am now on the lookout for the slightest hint of any red flags and this time I won't hesitate to end it. We do have an amazing time together and that is the truth. But seeing all your messages has planted a seed in my mind and I simply won't stand for any BS from now on.

I appreciate every single one of you offering me advice, thank you very much x

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 04/02/2024 19:50

Hope all continues to go well, OP. Hunners of women here happy to help if you are unsure at any point going forward. x

SharonEllis · 04/02/2024 20:09

Well done for standing firm and being clear about how you feel. Good luck - be happy, whatever happens.

jannier · 04/02/2024 20:37

TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

Research shows that women primarily tend to dress for other women not to attract men and will make just as much effort at all female events. Men on the other hand give up trying in the main and revert to slobs

Newbie1011 · 04/02/2024 20:55

Sounds like a positive outcome OP. Keep an eye on him!

Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2024 21:17

Tbh he gave you another red flag when he told you you were being ridiculous for making it clear his behaviour wasn't on.

But I get that you feel this issue may be resolved at least. Definitely be on guard for other controlling/gaslighting behaviour/red flags though.

Often they'll put back on the nice mask when they've been caught out. For a while. Until they can find another route to controlling/headfucking/manipulating you that you might not notice as fast.

Well done for calling it out.

Just a note though: standing up to abuse, does not mean you are no longer a victim. Plenty of abuse victims say 'I won't tolerate xyz' or 'I give as good as I get' or 'I won't just take it lying down, I fight back'. And think themselves strong. But not tolerating abuse...isn't saying no to abusive behaviour. It's leaving abusers behind.

So just don't get caught in the trap of thinking that because you set certain boundaries for them, you are standing up to them. That's not the case. Set boundaries for YOU. If a behaviour from some else doesn't work for you, dont try and convince THEM not to do it. Just convince yourself to run for the hills.