Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

No, they often don't have an instinct that a man is abusive, was that a serious question?

Often womens brains play tricks on them and jealous/paranoid behaviour can be seen as sweet/romantic/he loves me so much.....when really it's often insulting and offensive.

Just because you think something is an acceptable request doesn't mean it is or that your partner has to agree that it's reasonable.

No way would I ask a partner to put a tshirt on on the beach, it wouldn't occur to me and I wouldn't see that as reasonable either.

What if women started looking at his legs after he put a tshirt on? Do you think it's acceptable to ask him to cover those up too?

Yes, keep us updated - hope you have a lovely night out on Saturday and no shit you have to come home to x

@Flamesatmytoes
burkas actually worn through choice for a lot of women who find it empowering as they control what they wear underneath and who see it. You’d be surprised at how dressed up some people are under the burka - which is kind of the point and allows you to wear what ever you want in front of the people you want.

Very different to being told what to wear by a man…

I wear whatever I want in front of whomever I went - I don’t need a burka to do that.

’Funny’ that it’s not a ‘choice’ men seem to make, since it’s so ‘empowering’….

OP came to the board to question his behaviour, because it didn't feel right to her. So yes, she was worried.

Some women have an instinct about people. But most abusive people don't start off abusive. They start off lovely and caring and then start to push your boundaries under the guise that it will make them happier / more secure / they're just looking out for you.

You can't put responsibility for your insecurities on your partner. My DH is very good looking. Should I ask him to put a bag on his head so women can't see him? Or should I trust that he married me because he loves me and isn't interested in other women?

Like OP I also have big boobs and while my preferred style of clothing is fairly conservative, that doesn't mean they aren't obvious. Should I strap them down to stop other people looking at them? Or do I just continue going about my day and ignore the fact that some men are going to stare at boobs no matter what women do?

It's not our fault if people look at us. It also shouldn't make our partners insecure when they do, if there is trust in the relationship. DH trusts I'm not gonna run off with any man that looks at me, and I trust he won't run off with any woman that looks at him. Because our relationship is good.

Trust your partner enough to let him be comfortable.

Based on religious views, dictated in a cave BY A MAN

And just to add. I’ve been in 50c in the Middle East and women and wearing gloves! Gloves. If the religious rules (written out by a man after god spoke to him), didn’t instruct this (although that itself is debatable), do you think any sane person would be wearing gloves? I don’t m, because the man with these women was often (not always) wearing western clothes, certainly no gloves.

Choice? More like Stockholm syndrome.

Huge red flag....massive. Of course he's happy and loving - as long as you comply. This is how it starts. I know this from experience. Get out now.

This is coercive control, get out

@sunshinestar1986

Don't woman have an instinct that a man Is abusive?

Firstly, OP does have an instinct this isn't right, because she started a thread about it to check if his behaviour is acceptable.

And secondly, your comment shows a complete lack of understanding when it comes to abuse. Not only because some women don't have healthy instincts when it comes to potentially abusive partners but also because abusive partners often appear to be loving at the start of a relationship, slowing exhibiting abusive behaviours that ramp up leaving the victim confused and questioning herself as he was 'so good' to start with.

Your posts are naive to abuse at best.

They were your boobs & out there at the level of exposure YOU were happy with when he met you & got together.

Now you're together, why on earth would HE suddenly gain additional clothes police rights over what YOU choose to put yourself in?

You've been dressing yourself for a couple of (or many?) decades by now. I'm pretty sure you're still capable of making your own decisions without him getting power-of-attorney over the wardrobe.

Think about how you would react if he requested this much control over other areas of your life.

You're entitled to respond the same way.

If he doesn't respect the way you choose to dress yourself, he should forfeit all the other perks & not get to be with you, full stop.

Please don't let me become you.

It starts like this and gets worse and Worse. I won't go into details, but I but if you (hopefully) leave him, make sure he doesn't start stalking.

You being uncomfortable just shows you as being insecure.

It is not acceptable behaviour to tell your partner what they can and can’t wear.

And the posters here telling the OP that this behaviour is controlling, are telling her because many of us have been with men that demonstrate this behaviour and it’s always led to that man being controlling in other ways and becoming abusive when the woman doesn’t do as he wishes.

Many of us have seen first hand how this behaviour escalates and eventually descends into the woman not being able to go anywhere, not being able to do anything without the permission of that man and if they try, or stand up to them, they get a black eye or the like.

It’s textbook behaviour that many of us are very familiar with. Thats why so many here are concerned. With good reason.

Red Flag central!

I'm curious about this, OP However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.

So this isn't the only instance? What else does he do - questioning who you've been with, who you're messaging etc?

In a healthy relationship, a partner thinks 'this person has chosen me and I trust them to continue making that choice or tell me if they are unhappy in the relationship'

In an unhealthy relationship, a partner thinks 'this is now my partner and they are not free to decide to leave me and I will ensure this doesn't happen by cutting them off from opportunities to engage with others'

A jealous person sees you as an object to be guarded, not a respected partner to be trusted and valued.

Well done for listening to your instincts and please listen to the advice given here. As PP said Lundy Bancroft book should be part of the curriculum! I had NO idea the level of mindfuckery that I was going to be subjected to. Slowly picked apart by a thousand tiny, almost imperceptible things that destroyed my sense of self and left me confused, scared and unable to work, be a good parent, daughter, sister or friend. I used to be fiercely independent and just one day found myself a little mouse of a person with no idea how I had got there.

I just didn't know there were people out there who could do something like this. I honestly couldn't describe to anyone what was happening to me as there was no one thing that stood out as particularly bad, to the point where I just wanted him to hit me so I could say 'there! You see?!'

Also as PP said it is likely he will back down on this if you call him on it but it won't stop, it will just change direction.

It’s not like him having his crotch out, it’s like him having his arms out. Having your bits out would be like him having his bits out.

glad to hear you are going to stick up for yourself on this op, you should be able to wear whatever you want, whenever you want & he should trust you.

this request from him is definitely a pink flag, good to just keep an awareness about any other behaviour. Check out lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram x

Abuse comes in many forms it isn't just using physical ,he is mentally abusing you,you should wear what you want,he shouldn't be telling you what you can and cant wear

But their are rules around who you display your clothing, hair and face too which are not in your control my understanding it's only to women and males in the family. So your point doesn't quite make sense.
Were the rules not announced by male prophets?

this is all very strange, my OH is a reserved man but he never has an issue with anything I wear, or don't wear, whether thats on a night out or at the beach. I really feel this man has trust issues that he is projecting on to you.

This is abusive and controlling - classic indicator is saying what you can and cannot wear. Get out and steer well clear.

All else asside,
Speaking as a fellow... top heavy person, I can feel uncomfortable without a little cleavage on display on a night out. It makes me more conscious of my chest if it's all covered because its like it doesn't break the line of the boobs so they look bigger imo (and no way would I be wearing some polo neck contraption! Creeps would stare!)

Also, you want to feel hot on a night out, so a little bit of cleavage on display is normal. It's not about other men, it's just about the esteem boost we get from knowing we look our best. If a guy has a problem with you looking and feeling your best, that's an issue. He's a problem.

Sod anyone telling me how to dress.
I had an ex who complained if I wore polkadots or stripes or bright colours or anything that made me feel cheerful really. He was in abusuve shit too. Trying to guise it as 'helping' me. Like nah mate, sod off!

Good luck op. Definately keep reading up on his to spot emotional abuse and coercive control.

You might notice him do things like being mysoginistic (words like 'bitch', 'slut') about other women. Or commenting on how other women look. Or comparing your dress sense to them. Or telling you 'everyone was staring/feels a certain way about you' ect...

And as others have said, pay attention to how he reacts to 'no'. 'No I will dress how I like' for example. He may even act fine initially but then call you a ton when you are out or create some drama later so you feel you can't actually go. Or when you get back so that you feel you can't go out in future ect...

Leave right now, he is trying to control you. He cant dictate to you what can or cannot wear. He either trusts you or he dosent. This is the start of it, soon he will be telling you who you can see, then he will want control of your finances. Before you know ot, it will be out of control

I find it very worrying that you 'don't know who is in the right to be honest'. It's YOU! YOU are in the right. He is being abusive to you already by trying to dictate to you how to dress because other men might look at you! What's next, you can't go out with your friends at all anymore because men might look at you? Can't have friends? Can't go to work? Believe me, I speak from experience, this is just the beginning.

You know the answer, just by the fact your questioning it; no one gets to say what you wear once you reach adulthood; it’s his way of controlling you it’s not sweet; caring, cute, loving It Is controlling; belittling; & unhealthy for you; he’s chipping away a little now but what happens a little down the line when he insists your not to go out with your friends; not to speak to your family, what happens when it gets ramped up to a slap for looking at him the wrong way? See where this is going; they all say I can change him I loved him more it’s a load of bolloxs he’s small fish in a big pond at gorge moment walk away. Before you berm another dominant rustic violence statistic.