Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

This is to see how far he can push it, OP. And being generally laid back is part of the game, because you (reasonably) think oh well, this is such a small thing to keep him happy when he's so perfect in every other way.

Oh wow this is a lot to process. I'm worried now. But honestly our relationship is amazing, I can't even imagine him ending up controlling me or being abusive 😕

How would he respond if you told him that it's none of his business what you choose to wear?

If he's wonderful/caring/laidback etc then you should be able to say "you don't have anything to worry about babe, but I'm not changing what I wear, I dress for me not you or other men". And he will be fine with it.

RED FLAG
This is controlling and will be the tip of the iceberg over time. It starts with your clothes, then it will who you can meet, then stopping you having contact with friends & family. Please don't be fooled by this behaviour from him it is all about control and it will get worse

I promise he isn't abusive, so laid back, always happy and caring to me.

☹️ I really hope you listen to all of the women posing here OP and realise that this is abuse. He is trying to control you. Please don’t accept it because your life will be miserable with him.

How would he respond if you said no to him? Told him that you'll wear what you want and won't be told how to dress?

A reasonable, non-controlling man would back down (& even apologise). If he doesn't, that tells you all you need to know.

But he is already controlling you. Believe me, it will only get worse.

So have you ever worn a top out that he hasn’t “approved” of? What was his reaction?

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out.

I PROMISE YOU he is abusive. He's laid back when you do exactly what he wants you to do. He is a misogynist, he's controlling, and it will get worse. This is only the beginning of the things he tries to control. Soon, he won't want you going out with friends at all.

Please, for the fucking love of god, listen to what we are all telling you.

He IS controlling you and he is being abusive. He's deciding what you can wear when you go out because he doesn't like men looking at you. To him you're a possession, and there's a little voice telling you that you aren't comfortable with this. That's why you're here.

OP - there are women on here who have lived it and seen what is happening to you is what happened to them. Please take note.

Ok.

So tell him no you won't change how you dress and you don't appreciate him trying to tell you what to wear.

That's the thing, no one does. As someone else said previously it doesn't just start at full controlling or DV, it can be a slow process which you can ignore easily as it's just this one thing or you are gaslight into maybe their is a bit of logic in what he says but it won't stop at covering up.

Controlling what the partner wears due to jealousy. This is a classic red flag isn’t it?

"But honestly our relationship is amazing, I can't even imagine him ending up controlling me or being abusive"

Your relationship is not amazing though, the above is only your own perception of it. You've likely not been in a controlling or otherwise abusive relationship - until now.

May I ask how old you are?. Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your bf is in those pages.

He is trying to control what you wear due to his own issues in his head and that is totally unacceptable.

But this behaviour IS controlling! Can you honestly not see that?!

Yep.

I can't even imagine him ending up controlling me or being abusive 😕

Said every woman, everywhere, since the beginning of time, who ended up in an abusive relationship.

This.

Classic red flag.

These men are very practised and good at what they do - otherwise no woman would ever fall for it. If you think back - really think critically - there will be other little red flags here and there.

Good, respectful men do not tell their partners what to wear. Ever. Yours isn't some unique anomaly, he's very, very typical. Run!

But he is trying to control you. He is telling you not to wear certain things.

It could be because he views you as his and therefore you're representing him when you're out and if people see you looking attractive, maybe they'll think you're easy and it'll reflect badly on him.

It could be because he doesn't trust you. If you dress in a certain way that could attract other men, then clearly you're after something or asking for something.

It's this weird mentality that is worrying. What's next? Telling you if you can't cut your hair short? Can't dye it brown? Can't get a piercing? Can't eat pizza? Can't drink alcohol?

Sounds like early stages of a romance that has you wrapped in he really loves me and further down the line turns to don't wear skirts, put a baggy top on, I don't like that friend, I just turned up on your night because I worry about you .....and ends in you never going out or a few bruises

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out

So you - an adult woman capable of making your own clothing choices that are, as you say 'pretty conservative' have to submit to being inspected so you meet with his approval. And what happens if you don't? do you get sent upstairs to change?

Would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

^ This.