Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

Here you go OP, this book is excellent I would highly recommend it.

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Wear what the hell you like. He needs to work on himself here.

My ex partner started with these types of requests which seemed small at the time. So I just accepted it and 'covered up'. Fast forward two years on...

I had no friends
Isolated from my family
He had somehow moved into MY HOME, I don't remember wanting this or agreeing to it. I was BRAINWASHED.
No control over my own finances
No control over my own life
Living in fear of upsetting him
Gaslighted daily
Miserable
Borderline suicidal

It was the hardest situation I have ever had to get out of. Thankfully, I did. Happily married to a wonderful man now. But, I only wish I'd listened to the people who warned me about my ex from the START! it would have saved me from a very dark version of myself.

I've just googled coercive control, that was quite an eye opener.

As my best friend would say "fuck this shit"

Certainly made me think!!

And how he reacts will tell you all you need to know

It really worries me when women can not only not recognise clearly controlling behaviour, but even in the face of it defend it and say the man in question is not controlling.

I know it’s difficult when you’re in the thick of it, I’ve been there, but this man isn’t even trying to hide what he’s doing, the inadequate and insecure little scrote…

So sorry that happened to you @GLC789, well done for getting away. I hope that the OP will take heed.

Just a caveat - if you stand up to him over the clothes, he may well make a great show of backing down, being horrified at the idea that he might be controlling etc. This is also typical of a practised abuser who is playing the long game! He will retreat for a bit and then step up the control in a different area. Remember that a good man who is capable of a healthy relationship would never have tried to control your clothing choices in the first place.

Good on you, and keep hold of those thoughts.

He does not own your body. He has absolutely no right to tell you what you can or cannot wear, or which bits of it you need to cover up.

Remember that a good man who is capable of a healthy relationship would never have tried to control your clothing choices in the first place.

This.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out

I can't believe that you don't understand how wanting to see what you're wearing before you go out is very controlling behaviour.

You'll see how much of a laid back guy he is when you refuse to comply, which I assume you will do.

In their defence, it's a big thing to admit to - that the person you love and who says he loves you is acting in ways that are the reverse of loving. Like the ones who post with a long account of all the ways DH or DP is abusive/controlling/violent/addicted whatever and then there's the slightly pathetic 'but he's a brilliant father.' You can sense behind the words there's a woman clinging on for dear life to the hope that that makes up for all the rest and her life isn't about to be upended by the advice she's going to get.

I've said a few times I wish MN had been around when I was in the throes with exh. I wouldn't have wasted two years on him, that's for sure.

It says a lot about him, to be honest.can he not trust himself when a woman has dressed nicely? Little bit of boob and he's anyones??
Urgh.

Yes. AKA as the 'I'll change, I swear, I don't want to lose you' defence.

Am I too cynical?

Every abusive partner has a first time they are abusive, this is your boyfriend's. the second was when he decided you have to show him what you're wearing first.

As an aside, it concerns me that 'he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area'. Does he know that women have a crotch area too and it isn't on our chests? I do wonder if he doesn't wear tight trousers because people kept saying 'what a dick' and he misunderstood.

I'm not surprised, posters have gone in strong on this one. (Ardent feminist here so I don't disagree with them) how confident do you feel pushing back with a firm "no"? That will tell you whether this relationship has legs or not.

You're obviously not listening to the very sensible advice here. Come back in two years and tell us he isn't controlling.

Would you tell him he had to show you what he was wearing before he went out so you could judge if it was suitable!? No of course you wouldn't, because it is none of your damn business what a grown adult wants to wear, and it is certainly not his decision what you wear!!

RTFT

OP said in her post at 16.37 she's going to tell him she'll wear what she wants.

OT - your user name was DGM's favourite phrase for dismissing something she wasn't going to allow to bother her.

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.

These two sentences don't match up?

I'm wondering if you now realise that other behaviours of his are also controlling. I hope your blinders are fully off.

I'm guessing that you will tell him that you are going to wear what you like next time you go out, and one of these two things will happen:

A - he says he knows what other men are like, he doesn't trust them to leave you alone, and he is trying to protect you. He loves you so much and can't cope with the idea of other blokes leering all over you.

B - he says that he feels that you don't love him enough, and that you must be on the lookout for some other bloke, because if you really loved him then you wouldn't need to go out flashing your body all over the place, so how can he ever trust you any more.

Actually, it is quite possible he will try both.

He sounds like the type to do things that are a bit smothering under the guise of 'I just want to make sure you're safe' / 'I'm just over protective' / 'I just love you so much' / 'it's not about you, it's about what men are like' etc

Listen carefully when a man tells you other men are all creeps. He is actually telling you what men like him are like.

Have you been with someone horrible previously? I only ask as sometimes if we've been with someone very obviously abusive, we then think of someone subtly abusive (or just a bit of an arsehole) as a suitable partner in comparison to them.

I've got massive boobs, and unfortunately, when you're large chested, even if you dress modestly, it doesn't change the fact your boobs are huge. I can make a modest dress look very boob-y lol.

It's completely unreasonable. Don't agree to this, OP. He'll either sulk and get over it, or he'll accept it and move on. If he doesn't drop it though, it's a huge huge red flag and controlling behaviour.

Good plan Op.

His response will be telling. But even if he backs down and apologises, be on the lookout for similar in the future. He may back down temporarily then push it - or something like it - again later. Be aware.

If he won't accept your position, walk away.