Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

Just curious Op-what about when you go out with him?

Red flag hrs controlling you. Put a stop to it

By all means stand up for yourself but be prepared for other things to crop up. I’d bet my life on it.

Wnen I was younger I met a man, almost immediately he was jealous and possessive and then it ramped up to ringing me on my mobile if I’d been out with friends, late at night, to check I’d got home safely. He didn’t criticise my clothes but did criticise male friends. I told my best friend about him not long after I started seeing him, she warned me off but I thought I could cope. Ended up with him stalking me at work after I ended it. Emotional abuse. People who knew me had no idea (they told me afterwards). But you don’t tell people if your partner is bullying and controlling you as you feel ashamed (I did).

This is the start, he has made you think he is loving and caring and now he has issued his first instructions to you under the guise of being concerned for you. It will escalate, there will be more demands and then there will be sanctions for not adhering to them. He will wear you down until you end up doing everything he wants. I had a friend whose partner laid down the law about how she dressed, he was like an overbearing Victorian father, after the rules about her clothes there then came instructions about her hair and her makeup. It got worse, it always does. She left him and went on to have a much happier life

What happens when you say no?

He will retreat for a bit and then step up the control in a different area. Remember that a good man who is capable of a healthy relationship would never have tried to control your clothing choices in the first place.

This poster is savvy.

As was the one who pointed out he’ll immediately back down, play Mr Reasonable, before ramping it up again in another area…

He is "laid back" as long as you're doing exactly what he tells you to do with your clothing choices/ body. Do wake up, OP...

Can I ask how old you are OP? I think I put up with and ignored the red flags, as I was desperate to settle down/have children.
I think it's the most dangerous time to around an abusive man.

When I was 25...I'd get rid of men so easily, at 30/32 I was willing to accept so much shit.

I met mine, dressed very feminine, within a year of marriage (and pregnant) he was dictating he only liked trainers/jeans /T-shirts/no make up. I was constantly picked on for wearing anything even remotely feminine.

Every single person who knows me, is astounded that I put up with his shit. I'm a feisty, strong women. (maybe not for a few years)

It's years since I divorced, and divorcing a controlling man 😢 I'd never have another man!! That's the level of damage.

You've all been so lovely and helpful, thank you. Some of your stories have bought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry some of you have been abused, it's just awful. I really hope you are in a happier place now.

I am going out Saturday night, boobs ahoy! So will see what he has to say! We haven't been together for long, 9 months. So after reading your horror stories it's really made me panic.

I feel like his reaction will be my decider on whether I stay or go.

Since posting it's like someone has flicked a switch in my head, it's not ok at all. I was doubting myself, isn't that mad!

Very well done for opening your eyes to this, OP; so many go on trying to kid themselves and it rarely ends well

And yes, few of us do imagine them "ending up controlling me or being abusive", but then they won't bring out the more extreme behaviour early or nobody would go out with them would they?

When you do stand up to him don't allow him to make you doubt yourself.

You know this is unacceptable behaviour, no matter what bullshit 'reasons' he comes out with. Tell him to fuck off and mean it.

he is wonderful and treats me so well.

Wrong.

Your boyfriend is, by your own admission ‘jealous/paranoid’. He is also controlling. That is abusive behaviour, not treating you well.

Me & my DP have been together for 20+ years. In all that time, he has never tried to tell me what I can or cannot wear. Not once. Ever. This is how respectful men behave.

Your boyfriend’s behaviour is totally unacceptable and you should treat it as a major red flag. If you marry him, it will only escalate and get worse. Please think very carefully about your future.

Big fat controlling red flag

its your body you dress how you like,

"I can't wear what I want"

Yes, you can

He isn't in control of you, unless you allow this to continue.

If you don't take action, it will continue

He's shown you what he is - believe him

Your boyfriend is not wonderful, and does not treat you well.

he thinks you’re a possession

Glad you're going to address it and have read up on coercive control.
I'd understand his perspective if you wanted to go out in full-on fetish gear or a truly incredibly skimpy outfit, but it sounds like you're talking about just existing as a woman with large boobs wearing appropriate clothes for the occasion.

The only non-sinister explanation I can think of (which is still not great!) is that he's just incredibly insecure and inexperienced around women, and doesn't quite understand boundaries in a relationship. Tbh, it raises so many other red flags: Why doesn't he trust you wouldn't act on male attention? Does he see women as objects, and feel he wouldn't be able to control himself around other women dressed 'provocatively'? Does he just not want men to see a glimpse of your cleavage because he regards you as his property? Why has he approached it from the angle 'you can't wear X' rather than 'when you wear X, it makes me feel...'?

Wear what you want.

Bin the boyfriend.

This won't get any better.

This is where it starts OP.

Don't wear that,
Don't wear lipstick
Don't wear heels
Why do you need to see your mum?
Why do you go out with your friends, aren't I enough?
Why do you need a phone......

Run OP! And don't look back.

Good on you for backing yourself and deciding to ignore his deeply inappropriate behaviour.

But watch now, as his ‘happy’, ‘caring’, ‘laidback’ facade completely crumbles, when you decide not to obey him.

What happens if you go out and don’t cover up your breasts to his satisfaction? Is one thing to state a preference, the real test is what he does if you don’t follow his ‘advice’.

".. he is wonderful and treats me so well."

OF COURSE he is, this is the love-bombing phase.

Would him caring include giving you lifts op? Picking you up after a night out? Dropping you at a mate's house?

Fuck that right off. You need a reality check. This guy is bad news.

He already is, that's the point. You're doing as you're told. Try telling him that no, actually, you'll wear what you want and don't need him to sign off on it. You're a grown woman. I wonder if he'll be laid back then.

I promise he isn't abusive, so laid back, always happy and caring to me

control is a form of abuse. He is abusive. He is not lovely