Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

And he ticks a lot of boxes, am I right? Does he want to spend all his time with you? Prefers spending time with you alone/then with his mates? Contacts you multiple times when you’re out without him?

Ah OP I’ve got no advice that others haven’t already expressed

He is abusive. Until you can see that there’s no point.

Why stop at breasts? Maybe cover yourself entirely and then stop talking to other people.

Also says how he views a woman’s body and her chest.

What a creep. He is definitely being unreasonable and controlling.

Huge red flag!! Massive, huge, enormous red flag!! So glad you are going to tell him to fuck that shit… He should never have asked though so be on notice that this dude is almost certainly a bad egg!

He will retreat for a bit and then step up the control in a different area. Remember that a good man who is capable of a healthy relationship would never have tried to control your clothing choices in the first place.

This, all day long.

This is how it starts.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Lundy Bancroft's book should be on the national curriculum. ( I read it ten years too late)

My 'D" husband was the cover your boobs, don't talk to men.. type. All very casual, almost in jest.

Then I had a baby, he became worse and worse, the length of my hair, my clothes, my weight, make up. Trackers on my phone.

Just leave OP, it's the biggest red flag.

Depends if you're happy being told what you can and can't wear. It's a decision you will need to make.

But exerting control over what someone can and cannot do, or in this case, wear, is a form of psychological abuse.
Particularly if it forms a pattern of controlling behaviour.
It's called coercive control.

OP, you are 'allowed' to wear whatever you like.

I'm so gad you posted, OP.

Whether he likes it or not, he's forcing his insecurities onto you and the way he's going about it IS abusive.

I hope that message has come across loud and clear.

This is just the start of an abusive relationship. Trust me. My ex started abusing me in this way. Of course he will act really nice at first.

He's telling you to cover up. Give it a few weeks/months and it'll be something else. Then something else and then something else again. This is the first red flag. Get out now. In a year's time you'll be walking on egg shells around him. A laid back man would NOT tell you what sort of clothing you should be wearing.

He is abusive. That’s what this is.

Glad you’re taking action OP. Never let a man tell you how you are ‘allowed’ to behave. If he doesn’t like it, he’s free to move on.

This behaviour you’ve described is abusive. No one has the right to control how you dress. Jealousy is not an attractive characteristic in any man. Have children with this man, have joint finances with this man and it will get worse. Sadly, guaranteed.

In over 30 years my husband has only mentioned one dress. He said I should try to avoid tall men (he's tall) becsuse they would be able to see right down the front of my dress. I changed the dress but he would not have insisted. He never complained about my youthful micro minis either.

Yes, this is textbook entry-level coercive control. And he’s not even being subtle - he INSISTS on seeing what you’re wearing before you go out! This is so, so, so not normal.

Well done OP for listening to that little voice that said this wasn’t quite right, so many of us didn’t until it was too late. 😔 Far too easy to focus on the nice bit that makes us feel good and try and ignore the niggly bad bits because he’s probably right/ it’s not his fault / you can change him if you make him happy.
I never really had to be told what to wear, but I was trained to never even ask to go out or have any friends in the end so it was irrelevant. It starts so small you hardly notice but it always, always gets worse. I have finally got rid of the abusive ex husband and have a partner who genuinely loves and supports me, and I can’t believe I ever settled for what I had and thought it was ‘not bad enough to leave because he didn’t hit me’.
Get out, be happy and live the life you deserve to have - you sound lovely and can do better. Not just nearly perfect, go for perfect.

Take good care of yourself (stay safe) and let us know how it goes. I’m thinking of you. I sure most of the posters here are.

Tell him your clothes are your business, and if he doesn’t like he can move on.

Quote some examples of how he treats you well. Because this seems like v. Controlling behaviour. None of my boyfriends ever asked me not to wear certain clothing on a night out.

Of course he's abusive. He is preventing you from dressing as you want to.

Next stage is he won't want you going out with your friends at all.

Then maybe your family....

What would you say to a friend who asked your advice if it was happening to her?

I'll never forget going out with a friend of mine for lunch one day. I'd gone to pick her up, she wasn't quite ready so her "D"H invited me in to wait, she'd only be a minute. He was sitting watching the football and ignored me anyway.

As she was coming down the stairs, he said "You're not going out like that, you look like a fucking slapper!". She didn't say a word, she was only halfway down the stairs anyway so she just turned, went back up and got changed.

Do you want to hear the best bit? From where he was sitting, he absolutely, 100%, could not see what she was wearing

I grew up in an abusive home so I knew if I said anything to him there was a good chance it'd only make it worse for her later. I tried speaking to her when we were at lunch but she just said he was "protective" because he "loved her so much".

She did leave him eventually. She had to climb out of a window to do so, because by then he'd taken to locking her in the house and hiding her shoes when he was going out 😔

When she finally felt able to talk to me about him, she said that it started with him not wanting her to wear certain clothes. Then perfume. Then makeup.

All I'll say to you OP is just be careful. Many women on here have seen these situations escalate, either to themselves or to a friend, and we're all just telling you to just make a mental note of this.

He isn't wonderful and he does not treat you well. You can do better xxx

At least you're allowed out without him, for now. This kind of controlling behaviour only ever gets worse. See the red flags and run

RUN.