Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

He wants to see what you're wearing before you go out? Who the fuck does he think he is? Lord of all the Clothes? I hope you made it clear you and only you decide what you wear.

Do you think abused women ever started a relationship thinking they would end up abused? Abusers know how to charm the pants of you and then bind you to them.

He is already being controlling, and the result is you are doubting yourself. He wants to check what you are wearing? That’s only the start. Abuse is usually gradual, often building up over years so the woman becomes desensitised to what is happening until she’s emeshed. There are huge red flags here, please listen to what we are saying.

There is an easy way of finding out whether he is controlling or not, OP. You just tell him that you're going to decide what you wear and that he doesn't get a vote.

If he isn't controlling, he will acknowledge that this is completely fair enough and probably apologise for overstepping.

If he reacts badly - e.g. gets angry or sulks - then he clearly believes that he has the right to tell you what to do, and you will know exactly where you stand.

If you're too afraid to stand your ground and wear what you like, then you already have your answer.

This!

So laid back he has to inspect what you wear, he doesn't trust you and you feel you can't dress how you want. Omg he's so totally chilled out.

🙄

He's already controlling you.

Dump him.

The answer is he trusts YOU or doesn’t. If he’s lovely and chilled and trusts you then you can look gorgeous when you go out as it doesn’t matter what attention you get from anyone else are going home to him (either that night if living together or night after if not).

if he is faking the lovely and chilled then you have to dress so that you don’t get any attention as it makes him unhappy… which is obviously your fault as you didn’t hide your boobs enough (not that you actually can because high neck tops make big boobs look bigger) .

next step is it’s easier for you not to go out as he loves you so much and it makes him unhappy. So you have friends round instead… who are single. but eventually he doesn’t like this because they are sluts.. going out in low tops and pulling men (yes what single people do) so he prefer it if you didn’t see them… because he loves you so much he doesn’t want you around these people who behave so badly….

you can see where this is going I hope op

wear what you want, go where you want, and behave exactly as you want. As long as you are happy and not hurting anyone else this is your life so you get to decide.

oh and I would say this to my Dd, and if my son was telling his gf what to wear I’d tell her this too (whilst telling DS he’s a misogynist dick head)

@Hurryupchristmas With the greatest of respect, you were obviously worried before otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here asking if people thought it was ok....

I understand that you can’t imagine him becoming abusive. Unfortunately, this is how it starts. Lots of love, affection etc etc. Seeming to be wonderful, then they start trying to control what you wear, then a bit later, where you go, then who you go with, then who you speak to. Being abusive and causing you harm, doesn’t have to be physical abuse and harm. Your boyfriend is going down the ‘coercive control’ route (Google it), which causes terrible psychological harm.

I’m sure he’s ‘laid back’ so long as he’s getting his own way. Be interesting to see what happens when you say no, OP.

It's genuinely sad.
This man actually demands you present to him your proposed outfit and obtain his permission to wear it and you think he's lovely, great and really laid back.

No abusive relationship has ever started with the victim knowing they will get abused - it starts exactly like what you have described

You know what- you're all right. I AM going to tell him I will wear what I want. I will see how he responds then go from there. I wondered if I was being inconsiderate but now I'm realising it's actually ridiculous.

I can be pretty fiesty if need be, so I will stand up for myself.

Thank you ladies for making me see sense!! I feel a bit of a tit now (no pun intended 😂)

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out

I can't wear what I want

Now tell me he's not controlling
Soon it'll be if you really loved him you wouldn't even want to go out with your mates clubbing. And that guy who spoke to you in the pub the other night, who the fuck does he think he is and why were you flirting with him?

If he's so awesome and chilled go out this weekend in your lowest cut top. Tell him you won't be dressed by another person, you live him and he's entitled to go out dressed anyhow he likes. Then come back and tell us about his reaction

You don't have to imagine it, he is controlling you

He is also making you responsible for other people's reactions and telling you he doesn't trust you when you are with your friends

This is such an obvious red flag he's literally waving it right in your face.

How long have you been together? This may be the start of his controlling behaviour.

You say you can't imagine him controlling you.

But read your own words back:

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out

I can't wear what I want

Cant you see that is controlling?

Good on you! Make sure you keep this in mind next time it happens.

If he doesn't back down immediately and apologise, then I think it's fairly clear that he'll never change, if anything, he'll get worse.

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

I fucking HATE seeing this trotted out by women in threads about revolting and abusive men. Fuck sake 😣

Invariably there's a very big BUT in those posts.

One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.. He’s asked, you can say “no”.

Definitely this is controlling behaviour.

I bet if you think about it, there are other times when he's shown controlling behaviour over something.