My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

Wow. I’m not quite sure what to say to that. You write about your mum as if she’s 90 not 57. I’m 53 and I don’t really think of myself as closer to death but then generally I’m a pretty active, busy optimistic person. Before I get into specifics can I ask whether your mum is on HRT?

Wow - she's very stuck, isn't she? Were her parents 'old fashioned'?

Would she consider joining the WI or a church based group? Does she have any hobbies (or anything she'd like to try) - there are groups for pretty much anything. Are you sure she wants another relationship?

I'm 60 (in a relationship, no children) and couldn't imagine feeling really old. Not yet!

Does she have any pets? A dog is a great way of meeting people.

57 isn't old at all. I've got lots of friends that age (some with partners, some single). Apart from one who has some debilitating health conditions, they're all enjoying busy and fulfilling lives with busy jobs and hobbies, going to the gym, weekends away with friends, etc.

I'm guessing your Mum doesn't work as it's extremely unusual for a woman in her 50's to not use the internet. However, I don't think meeting people online and online dating/having a partner is essential. It sounds like she needs some real life hobbies and some friends. What sort of things does she enjoy? Could you help her to use the internet to find out what's going on in your local area?

I'm 52 and was widowed at 47. (Dh was brilliant.) I'm not looking to date but love meeting friends and visiting places. Could your mum join any clubs or do volunteering in her spare time?. Any holidays she could go on with others. Eg a coach holiday? I still go on holiday with dds but would do that in future.

It definitely is, but for her it sounds as though it is a slightly self limiting mindset thing.

Something that helped shake me out of that was to decide to try something, anything, new on a regular basis. It can be really small rather than radically big and it has to be fairly frequent. One way is a 52 week challenge to see if you can do something new each week.

You could approach this by saying you are going to do that and does she want to join you in suggesting some things? One of your things might be doing something together that is new for both of you that she has suggested and then something else that you suggest.

It's her mindset and as much as you can suggest stuff she will probably just reject it!

You are also suggesting things that are wildly outside of her comfort zone, I certainly wouldn't be suggesting online dating to her.

Traditional values seem important to her so I would suggest Church, Womens institute and reading in Primary Schools. There used to be a volunteer scheme for older people to read to children in schools.

She really needs to instigate this stuff herself if she is going to do it though.

Even one of those situations would broaden her horizons.

Did your mother work outside the home ? I'm guessing not or a long time ago as otherwise she might have workmates. If she was a SAHM I think she is suffering from not being needed , hence the desire for grandchildren. Perhaps she could get involved with a volunteer program that focuses on helping kids.
Also consider that she may be going through menopause. Her GP may be able to help with that.

Does she work? She's younger than me and I don't see myself as old at all. She's got to embrace the world as it is now

57?! I’m 55.
We’re the generation that grew up with technology. She’s limiting herself so much, and she needs to step up if she’s lonely.

Wow, well I'm 50 something and I don't feel closer to the end of my life
I have an adult child who comes and goes and it"d be nice to spend more time together but friends are prioritised, I get that. Meanwhile, my friends prioritise their husbands or have younger children or, im peripheral to their friend group.

I do go out for walks, to yoga/pilates, work a night class, but i would love if my adult child could "commit" to dinner out once a fortnight, that would be lovely.

Your mum is not near the end of her life!!

Can you go to a class with her, get her going, the first few weeks?

It is harder when you're older. It's not that you're automatically boring in yr 50s but people shy away from you rather than towards you. I feel I'm fighting to be remembered/included.

I feel I have to "buy" my social life now. A night class. Pilates class. Treating adult child to meal out. Nobody comes looking to treat me but .... its not good to retreat into yrslf either.

I feel for yr mum. It's more effort at our age.

If you want to be old then you will be. Unless you are in poor health then it is very much a mindset thing.
I will be 70 next year and lead a full and busy life. I am not old, nor do I look or behave 'old'. You have to look forward and not back, you have to keep active and keep your mind active or it will darn well go to sleep 😀
I work 30 hours per week and I help my children with their lives, look after grandchildren and there are not enough hours in a day for me. I sleep like a log too.

I am just about to turn 54, I do have a husband but no grandchildren. I fully use the internet and work full time.

Happily planning my year now to see friends, do activities, start some new ones..

I would say your mum is quite unusual for a healthy person of that age, acting more like my dad who is 80.

She has to want to change things. Does she? If so start small and take it from there.

Does she work?

Unless she has some actual condition or issue, she is being quite unfair putting a big responsibility on you for her social life and support. And you are being very generous in your kindness and support.

A bit of tough love? Tell her she is too young to write herself off and shut herself away and you are too young to be her carer.

She could: look for a job in a busy social environment. Take part in community initiatives and events. Volunteer. Go to the gym / gym classes. Look for local groups like Book Group, Ramblers, Knitters etc.

It sounds as if she is pushing herself into a spiral or self fulfilling prophecy. It works the other way too: once she starts to get out / get fitter her outlook will improve.

Caveat: any possibility that menopause or other factors have left her with depression or vitamin deficiencies? If she is tired or low all the time, a visit to the GP?

Meanwhile, clear yourself of FOG (Fear, Obligation. Gullt). It isn’t your responsibility to have grandchildren to prop up her life.

Honestly your mum sounds like she’s older and more set in her ways than mine abc she turns 80 this year.

Im 55 and I am never at home. I grew up in the era of soul weekenders and then raves. My friends are all in their 50’s and we go to live gigs, day raves, music events, festivals, weekends away, holidays etc

Everyone has different taste and I’m sure what I do wouldn’t suit others but she needs to find hobbies and interests and then friendships will develop.

She could easily have 30 years of life left - that’s a long time to stay home lonely.

I think I'd be like this if not for DH , although DD is just as much a friend as a daughter.

I understand, in a way, her reluctance to use the internet, Does she have any interests which she could research on line? I'd avoid OLD until she's more conversant with the internet if you do get her online.

@GOODCAT that 52 werk challenge sounds good!

Internet dating was awful, tried it in my forties, omg, horrendous, even if you click with somebody, they keep looking. I sound much tougher than your mum @DMislonely and it eroded me for a while. I'm ok now, but not going back for more.

I am interested in keeping my comfort zone open though.

Can you tell us what you did on the 52 week challenge @GOODCAT

Completely agree with other posters that your mum needs hobbies interests or volunteering/part time work more than she needs a date.
I have recently joined a community choir ( no I can’t sing particularly well!) and I absolutely love it it’s such fun. Other people join painting classes ( anything crafty or artistic is very rewarding) or local exercise classes or go help children do reading practice at the local primary school.
She could also plan to meet up with some of her family and friends … nothing too much, something once a week or fortnight to meet for a walk around the park and a coffee, or the shops, or go to each others house and have tea and look at photos, etc.
If you could help your mum begin to use technology this would help her. It’s not going away, she will be at a disadvantage when she’s older so start using a phone or iPad or notebook computer. Sometimes they do courses at the local library? Start small maybe a phone for calls, texts and a few photos.

She could start by looking at volunteering - maybe a museum or library? She would be meeting people and having conversations. Libraries also often have groups to combat social isolation with regular talks/meetings/activities.

I was a bit shocked at your description of her - she's about twelve years older than me, but you write as if she is late 80s!

It's very tricky if she won't get online at all, even WI organises things through facebook!

But yes, try encouraging her to join local groups, sounds like she needs some peers in her life.

Good Lord. I'm approaching 55 and have a 12 yo. I can't imagine being like that in a couple of years time. It sounds as if she needs to build a social life. Does she work? Does she have interests? It sounds as if she's old before her time and she potentially has 30 years plus ahead of her! I'm sorry you feel so responsible for her but I think you need to give her a talking to and encourage her to open her world up a bit. Life is too short to be one foot in the grave at 57!!

That sounds so hard OP. I’d encourage her to volunteer locally if it’s something she’ll consider, particularly with children (church playgroup? Reading at school?).

I would NOT encourage dating, there are so many romance scammers looking to make money out of lonely women and she sounds vulnerable. It’s you that needs to be dating, not her.

Laughing my head off at all the people in their fifties who reckon they aren’t “closer to the end” How many centuries are you all planning to live?! If you’re over 50 and expect to die before 100 then of course you’re closer to death than to your birth, that’s basic maths 😂

I’m late forties and well aware that all my best years are already done and, as I doubt very much I’ll make it past 90, I’m certainly closer to the end than to the beginning. So what. Just how it is. Makes me appreciate life more but I don’t see the point of denial and pretending that forties/fifties is young. 😂

OP I'm 57 and don't consider myself old or past it- I didn't grow up with computers but I jumped at the chance to learn when I was made redundant at 40. Now I can use Photoshop and taught myself to design scrapbook papers and sell them in an Etsy shop. Ask your mum what she loved doing before she had you, there must be something she'd like to learn? I'd also recommend the U3A, my elderly dad joined and he's always off on a day trip or meals out, there's something for everyone.

Interesting how differently people live.

I am 55 and don't relate to your description of your mum at all.

i was married for 16yrs, had 2 children and brought them up largely alone since separation after 2nd child born.

Now they are teens/young adults, I am so thrilled to have more time to do all the things I love to do.

I love seeing them gain independence and feel very proud of what good lives they are carving out for themselves. I definitely do not depend on them for social contact or emotional support. I don't think that would be appropriate.

The things i love most about my life right now are that I can sleep through the night! (youngest was extremely wakeful through to 11yo), I can work FT, I can go out in the evening without trying to find a babysitter I can trust/afford, so many things.

On the whole I live quietly as I am quite involved in my art but I have several long-term friends who I stay in touch with and meet fairly regularly. Probably 2 social occasions a week.

I am a bit of a workshop junkie and am continously studying/learning etc and tbh I feel like my next move will be my most exciting as I only have to consider my own needs.

I don't think you should take on responsibility for your mum's wellbeing, and nor do I think you should pressure her to date. I have zero interest in OLD and fairly little interest in men full stop. On the whole I find them overrated.

I also think it's OK if she isn't interested in becoming digital savvy. It can be a useful tool to fend off loneliness but no-one should feel forced into it. People are allowed to prefer face to face contact. Approximately 1 in 5 people reject digital technology and it's an even spread across the age groups although the myth is that only "old" people reject technologies.

It's good to be aware of your mother's wellbeing but I think you need to shelve it from being a problem of yours. To be honest, you're only enabling her anyway. She needs to sort out her own issues as grown ups do.

I’m the same age as your Mum, granted I am in a very long marriage but I do get the more life of life behind than in front but it means I want to do as much as possible.

Meeting men is always difficult, some old fashioned gentlemen still exist. My widowed sister met a widower at a writing group and remarried in her mid sixties. She is really happy, he is a retired schoolteacher he has beautiful old fashioned manners, he is however boring AF.

I would suggest she joins U3a I am a member it’s very much full of respectable folk, retired geography teachers as I always like to joke. I retired early before DH so needed to fill my time. I also volunteer as a cook at a lunch club for people on a low income. I also belong to a women’s hiking group.

Yesterday I went for a walk with DH and ended up in a little cafe where they were having an issue with their wireless payment system trying to hotspot with a phone which I sorted out for them and for which they offered me free cake and then spent the evening on my Xbox playing a beta of a new game. I am always a bit taken aback at how anyone my age is that bad with technology, granted both myself and DH have did computer programming but computers were brought in to schools when we were teenagers and my Mum used to play online games in to her 90’s.

Local libraries and community colleges offer free IT courses. People worry they will break IT honestly you can only break it if you know what your doing and fiddle deeper in a system, I mean I did at work once and became mighty famous for breaking something that was allegedly unbreakable and took a month to recover, one of my finest moments.

My mother is mid 70s but was
Widowed in her 60s after 10 years as a spouse carer.
No GCs or kids nearby which isn't ideal but that's how things have worked out.
She has a group of a few close friends nearby but she has really expanded her circle by joining activity groups (some exercise based) this gets her out of the house a few extra times per week and keeps her physically healthy.
She also joined her local over 60s and as well as monthly and goes on regular coach trips with them, some overnight.
Basically, your mum is going to have to make a bit of an effort if she doesn't want to feel lonely. Routine, getting 'out there' and being open to friendships are very important.