My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

End of her life??? Give over

It's really frame of mind rather than age.

This times a million.

There really is so much truth in the old adage ‘you’re only as old as you feel’

I'm 62 and my social life is pretty much what is was in my 30s. 57 is no age at all these days.

My mum was always a cup half empty type of person, and your mum sounds exactly the same. Moaned enough about how unhappy she was, but unwilling to take any action to change that.

You can’t complain about being lonely when you’re making little to no effort with the friends and family you do have.

Technology and not wanting to or being able to use it is just another way of perpetuating the ‘boo boo poor me’ spiral that she’s got herself into. She could visit her local library, church, community centre where she’ll see posters everywhere about local events, classes, groups and activities. No doubt if you suggest it she’ll come up with some reason why she can’t or won’t do that.

Do not let her drag you down with her. You are not responsible for making your mothers life happy and fulfilled.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old.

I am in my early sixties and reading that was like getting an electric shock. I am nowhere near the end of my life (well I hope so, in the way I did when I was any other age) thank you very much.

Persevere with technology. There are usually courses at your local library. My mum took one in her 70s, she met lots of lovely people there too.

Ditch the dating ideas, she needs friends. Are there any exercise classes, book clubs ( they have those at the library too sometimes) around her.

Once she has a mate life will change, she just needs to find them. They are probably out there hoping to find someone like her too.

@Rosiem2808 you sound amazing.

May I ask what you're still working as at aged 70?

Gosh. You say your mum is 'traditional' but I would say she is very unusual in terms of not using any modern day technology at all . Did she not work ? Although I can imagine a few roles where she would have managed without technology up until very recently, and I am guessing she is no longer working ?

I would agree with encouraging her to see her GP if she is generally not showing interest or enjoyment in things that she used to before .

Otherwise encourage meetings with the friends she already has and joining some groups where she maybe able to meet new people. Again already suggested but women's institute, U3A, church groups . Sadly though without technology she is probably going to struggle to keep up with existing friendships, given most people communicate now via WhatsApp. Most authorities run basic ICT courses in community centres, libraries etc (you will probably need to google for her).

You asked for stories of people around your mum's age without partners and grandchildren . Given that I'm around the same age as your mum - yes, I know a few people in this position . They are all still working. One has an adult son, has friends and is close to her extended family, one has friends and many hobbies, joins classes, clubs and is active within a church, and another friend who has been very isolated for a few years whilst caring through her elderly mum throughout lockdown is now in the slow process of getting her life back together, mainly reconnecting with old friends and making new friends and volunteering through her church . I can think of a few others in this situation too . And whilst a couple of them have had the occasional date (following relationship breakups 8 and more years ago), this is not the main focus or aim of their lives .

I think that all of the friends I'm thinking of above would be a lot more isolated without the internet / a smart phone though . As would I be.

I hope you are able to help her .

A lot of community groups these days use online in some way to organise.

My mum is 78 and does struggle a bit with technology. Her WI group send stuff out my email. She volunteers at a hospice bookshop - and she needed to learn to use the till there, which she found tricky but got her head round.

She has recently had to fjnd a new yoga group as her old one stopped and she was very grateful I'd made her get a simple smartphone as it is organised on WhatsApp.

However, there will be groups that don't use tech much - church etc.

Some people do struggle to put themselves out there though.

I think your mum is very unusual. Does she not work? Didn’t she keep up with technology through the workplace? When you say she needs to ‘get online’ do you mean she doesn’t have access to the internet and doesn’t know how to use it?

It’s definitely a mindset. I have older friends (into their 70s) and they keep up with social media and technology and some of them still work. My mother is like your mum but she is in her 80s. Would your mum do a basic IT course? Could you go with her?

Of course her mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning
unless she’s going to live past 114

I think the OPs post was very heartfelt and her mum is obviously a real worry for her, she was posting to find out what other women her mums age were getting on with their lives.

All these posts will tell her that her mum’s life is definitely not the norm, hope you can persuade your mum to change her life. I’m early 60s and my life is the opposite of your mums, well I have a husband but no grandchildren.

Im the same age as your mum and wish I had more spare time. Im an avid learner - does she do any arts/ crafts - what does she enjoy that she could be more involved in - there are so many courses and events out there that cater to everything, but it would help to know what.

Im at the point where my kids will likely leave home shortly - eldest is at Uni but locally, so lives at home, but is likely to move with boyfriend in next years or so, and son doing A levels this year.

Im setting up a new business to run alongside another I do, and I am taking a masters next year - I dont view my life as being nearly over, until it is. My grandmother dies at 95, and her aunt at 104, so Im expecting a fair old time yet!

@DMislonely

“I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it”

WTAF?

What are your mum's interests? Helping people? History? The environment? So many organisations are crying out for volunteers - food banks, local civic groups, museums and archives etc etc.

Or she could join paid-for clubs and classes - art classes, adult education courses, walking or sporting clubs, yoga, bridge, book groups, WI, knit & natter, special interest travel etc.

Or the church / synagogue / temple / whatever, if religion is her thing.

Utter madness that a 57 year old would cut them off from so much of the world by refusing to use the internet. 87 maybe, but 57?! Not just dating but so much other essential and useful information, including finding out about all the above.

This indicates to me that the problem is more than just lonely; it's an unwillingness to help herself and look at the world outside her door. You might have to set her on her way by going with her to activities to begin with, and then tactfully withdraw.

I can’t think of anyone I know who is like your mum. Is she educated? What did/does she do for a living? My elderly mum left school at 14 and it definitely affected her life choices but she did do some courses later in life and found she loved learning. In another life she would have gone to university but she did not have opportunities. I wonder if your mum is similar although your mum is younger than me and a different generation to my mum in her 80s!

I also do a weekly ceramics class with a group of lovely ladies in their 70s and 80s - they too are busy and full of life - involved with village hall, go to U3A courses, go on holiday, visit family, join choires, do art shows and galleries, just get together and chat.

"I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it."

Bloody hell OP, while this may strictly speaking be true, I am 55 and do not feel like this at all. Your mum comes across as a much older woman. My own mother is 81 and sounds similar in being a little wary of technology, not interested in computers however she does have a smartphone, uses Whatsapp etc.

I realise I am not offering advice here, your comment just hit home given my own age!!

I’m going to throw out a generalisation here but people (women are particularly vulnerable to this) should carefully watch out for others who think that other people are responsible for their happiness. I had a friend who got like that during Covid and nearly broke me and my DH is currently trying to bat back his sister who has this idea that her family of origin are responsible for her happiness when it was a very dysfunctional family to begin with.

It is impossible to make another person happy and they need to take responsibility for their own happiness. Your Mum will never be happy if she relies on others to figure out what will make her happy she needs to figure that stuff out for herself.

I’m late forties and well aware that all my best years are already done

How depressing!

I am so sorry for your mum. I agree with the suggestion that you encourage her to try something new at least once a week. She has obviously lost confidence in herself. It doesn’t need to be anything major - many posters have had great suggestions.
Re her lack of interest in technology why don’t you buy her a burner phone. You can show her how to use it for phoning and messaging and then try it out between the two of you. Possibly you could send her photos. It may help her to see that computers are not as scary as she thinks.
BTW I am almost 82 and yes nearer the end of life than most of you but the last 25 years have been great. Like your mum I don’t have great deal of confidence in myself but it’s amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it and when there is someone else to give you a push.
Good luck to you both 😀

I think your DM has mental health issues regards her mistrust of technology. I think this would need addressing first and foremost. How on earth does she manage without the internet? Pretty much everything is online now. It almost sounds like she was raised in an alternative lifestyle Community like Amish.

The WI!

There are loads of different sorts - traditional, activist, mixed ages, older, lively, quieter etc. Depending on where you live. And you can 'try before you buy' for a visitors fee - no more than a £5

They often have subgroups, like craft, book, lunchclubs etc where you really get to know people.

It might mean that you have to go with her a couple of times, but if you contact them and explain that your mum is a bit nervous of the whole thing they'll be very helpful.

Also U3A with talks and groups on all sorts of subjects

Jesus I’m late 40s and this is the best time of my life so far.

OP what does your mum do with her time currently?

Our local library has so many events on every day, mostly free, that might be worth some research.

Good lord I’m 57 and it wouldn’t occur to me for a second that I’m closer to the end of my life than the beginning. I’ve got ten years of working left in me yet,, then when I retire I’ll be travelling, taking up various hobbies, and generally having a whale of a time. And even after that, once I’m forced to slow down, I plan to get myself a little dog and we’ll potter around the garden, and go for long walks, with me in a mobility scooter if needs be.

Shes young, she could have thirty years left. Mindset change is urgently needed.

Jeez, it gets worse. These are the best years of my life by some considerable distance.