My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

I’m 55 & nearer the end of my life than the beginning.

All the more reason to do all the things I want to do. I am single & childfree. I don’t want a partner. I had to come out as single a couple of years ago when well meaning friends were trying to set me up with men. I have a great life.

Your mum sounds as though she may depressed? Could you go with her to the GP? She can’t complain about being lonely if she’s not prepared to leave her house to meet people. There’s so much she can do but she needs to try a few things.

For the love of dog don’t put her on online dating. It’s mainly awful & full of men looking to take advantage.

I would gently disagree with the above poster and say that unfortunately, technology is here to stay, and there isn't always going to be the option to talk face to face or even over the phone in the future (wrongly, imo) and getting her used to technology now is going to save both of you a lot of stress when she is actually elderly and possibly struggling with cognitive difficulties.
A lot of colleges run mini adult computing courses, maybe you could offer to go to one with her, gets her out of the house, meeting people etc, she'll feel more comfortable with you there?
But yes, she's only 57!! Does she work? What's her background like?

Part of the problem is your Mums refusal to embrace technology.

I'm 64, and I work ( use technology everyday throughout the day for that) sing in a choir( arrangements/ practice music/ lyrics to download are all done online) belong to a book club ( arrangements via WhatsApp. I pay the bills online, I communicate with wider family on social media, do courses online, do shopping online, research online.

My Mum is in her 80s and does the same, as does my 80 year old aunt. Being 57 is not a reason to stop learning.

No wonder your Mum is feeling old and lonely, she can't join in with most of what's on offer. I'd say getting her to familiarise herself with the basics of communication is vital. Go with her to your local library and find out what courses are available ( most councils run basic classes ) and get her to those classes. Get her a phone and start sending her messages on WhatsApp, show her how to look up likely clubs etc. You can't take no for an answer here.

There's another problem in that the reality is that she is somewhat redundant- she's not looking after anyone, presumably not working from what you say, she does need to find purpose. But that's not going to be easy if she can't engage with the modern world.

Being menpausal doesn't help with feelings of despair and general doom and gloom, maybe HRT might be a possibility?

I’m 3 years older than your mum almost and definitely don’t consider myself almost at the end of my life! Yes I’m obviously closer than someone younger but I’m not giving up yet!

I think her main issue will be not being online. My MIL is now in her mid eighties and not on line in anyway and she gets annoyed by how much of life is now managed on line. She missed out on so much during the pandemic in particular - even her church was still meeting on line and friends were having zoom meetings etc and she couldn’t participate. MIL was full of plans to do a computer course when she retired but she never did in the end. My Dad in the other hand did a computer course for seniors, bought a laptop and an iPad and managed really well.

it is in her hands really but she can’t moan she is lonely and bored and not take any steps to change anything.

57 is not old (I'm 67).

I wonder if your mum's issue is not her age per se but perhaps she has isolated herself over the years, maybe very introverted, possibly slightly depressed? It's hard to drag yourself out of those feelings.

I find it difficult to believe that someone 10 years younger than me has never been online or had any experience of using the internet. That sounds very sheltered. I've worked all my life - office work admittedly - and started using internet / email etc in the late 90's. Perhaps if she's never worked or had a job that didn't involve using computers she just hasn't had the opportunity to learn. but it's not too late, my parent, now 86, never had a job that needed computers but is now pretty proficient in the basics. Your mum could do a course at the local library or similar - if she's interested in learning but just never had the opportunity.

She could try attending her local U3A or WI. No commitment needed if she decides she doesn't like it - but she could start to build up a small occasional network.

I hope she finds something she enjoys soon, 57 is too young to be giving up on life.

I’m 61, mid stage Parkinson’s,early retirement, go out and do stuff!
Been single single 37, despite online dating and stuff, unlucky def, or fate.
Love technology too, if her income allows and not working plenty to do, churches often have coffee mornings

I think your mother is lucky, OP, to have you, since you obviously care for her and take a keen interest in her well being. I am exactly the same age as your mother, and while I am, similar to many of the PPs, busy and interested in life, it has been true recently that I wake up in the night, brooding over the realisation that as I hit my late 50s, options are starting to close in. With 60 a lot closer than 50, time is running out faster than I would like. The response to this should be to get out there and do it, whatever it is: enjoy life more, seize opportunities, make the most of every day. I wonder if she is depressed? It might be worth her seeing a counsellor. It does seem astonishing your mum doesn't use the internet - it would open up a whole new world - but I wonder if you might encourage her to start an eductional or crafting course? Join a choir? The Ramblers? Anything that would get her out, meeting people of all ages, inspiring new interests and so on. Perhaps you might even offer to go with her, the first times, to make sure she goes and help her with any nerves, and to share an interesting time. There's aways something new to fall in love with.

Wow, your mum is only 5 years older than me!! Never used the internet in your 50s is very unusual, rotary style phones were obsolete by the 90s, when your mum would have been in her late 20s!

On the loneliness thing, she needs to start being a bit proactive in making connections. Not necessarily with romantic partners, just with people in general. You can't do this for her though.

I would say OP she needs to make friends rather than look for a partner as a start.

And please don’t introduce her to OLD. Those of us far more worldly than her have had some pretty shoddy experiences with men on those sites. Last thing your mum needs is a dick pic

Crikey, your Mum sounds more like my Granny and I am in my 50's.
Forget dating - online dating would chew her up and spit her out.
She sounds very very sheltered and insular so needs some safe outlets maybe to grow a bit more confidence.
Hobbies and activities are a good start - having some friendly women chums would good. Does she like crafts? Lots of places have informal groups who meet to knit/crochet etc and chat. Reading group? Helping run something - does she like being outside? Park run, countryside paths repair type groups, walking groups?
Volunteering gets you meeting new people and feeling valued.
Getting and using a smart phone would open up a world of opportunities and information.

Is your mum on HRT? Lack of oestrogen can cause lack of confidence, fear, panic, feelings of
doom and low mood all of which your mum seems to experience.

Something I learned from my relationship with my own mum is that you can't live her life for her or make her happy. I tied myself in knots with guilt that my mum was lonely but she refused to do anything about it.

You can suggest some of the things people have mentioned to her but ultimately its up to her to do them.

I’m 57 and nowhere near the end of my life I hope.

She doesn’t sound like most people our age tbh. We’ve been around computers and the internet and stuff since the mid 1990s. So 30 years ago, we were 27. And yet your mum has “never been online.” That’s odd imho.

Local college or the library to do computer course might be a start.

Would she like a theatre group, choir etc?

Could she volunteer somewhere local and meet people?

A gym?

What bands did she like? I was into The Smiths, New Order, The Cure etc. A lot of my friends preferred the rave scene - lots of new stuff coming up around that at the moment, including all dayer club events. Could that be something?

Otherwise set her up on a blind date yourself.

Right, I’m just off to collect my pension from the post office and reminisce about Glenn Miller etc to keep OP happy.

You sound like a very caring daughter, which I think is lovely, but your mum is too young to be relying on you so much.

I would show her this thread. All the great posts here from engaged, vital, women.

Put simply: you get out what you put in.

You can’t stay in your own home and expect things to happen.

Fifty-seven is still young!

Could she volunteer or join a choir?

I am older than your mum, OP, but you make her sound like she's 87 not 57! Presumably she no longer works? Can you encourage her to do some volunteering, or maybe some studying. What are her interests?
This is the best time of life to get out and have fun - still active, but no commitments.
She's also way too young to be thinking about grandchildren!

My mum is 82 and widowed. She is more up to date than that. She does loads online, has tonnes of friends, and walks most days. She has more of a life than me at 54 cos I have to work!
You need to encourage her to lean on you less and do things for herself. It's not normal to be so dependent at her age.

Oh, and she absolutely doesn't need a man - she's her own person and doesn't need to be patronized as a "little woman".

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old.

Hilarious!!! FFS. I'm 50 this year. I don't feel old in the slightest, jesus my kids are only 9!

She does not 'need a man' and does not need a daughter telling her that's the case or making her feel old. She's not old! Christ, my best friend is 81 and still skipping around giggling ike a 40 year old. My nan lived to 105.

You might actually be the problem here! Stop enabling her. She's not old in the slightest.

Ellysetta Your best years might be done in your 40's, but I can assure you, mine definitely are not! My kids are still young, I'm still thinking what career I'm going to do when they're older and I can work more hours.

Unpopular - but I would try for a baby. :) If it's your dream and your mother's longing, go for it! Maybe adoption, fostering. Why not?

I'm about to turn 57. I'm different from your mum in that I have teenagers still living at home, a husband and I'm very techy. If your DM doesn't go online then she must have had a really shit pandemic poor thing, I did a lot of socialising online during that time both with friends and with new people (through quilt alongs and other craft based projects).

So I'm coming from a different background than your DM, however I have moved around a lot so I am experienced at arriving in a new country/area and having to build a social life from scratch. What I do is forget about making friends and instead concentrate on making lots of acquaintances. I find groups that do things that I like, usually craft based like quilting or crochet groups or classes. Retreats are great for meeting people although not necessarily for making long term friendships because people come from different areas, I go to quilting retreats but there are residential holidays for all kinds of activities. The thing to do is have short, light conversations with lots and lots of people and gradually the friendship thing will form.

I could also have written exactly this. Has she changed since being peri/menopausal?

I’m nearly 56 and feel sad that you are writing off your 57 year old mum 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d be gutted if my daughter spoke about me like this.

Although I’m married, I don’t have any family as am an only child with deceased parents and sometimes feel lonely. This is a fact of life for a lot of people.

I work part time and get out for walks, etc often. I am fully computer literate though and enjoy browsing and booking holidays, trips on line. DH is retired so we go away quite a bit.

She does need to make some effort but you need to remind that she is ONLY 57 !not some crusty old lady in a rocking chair, as otherwise she might think the same and this will stop her from trying.

Another Wow from me...
Seriously OP she's not 90 ... what's with the nearer the end of her life comment. It suggests she is perceived in your relationship as an old or older person.
Good grief.
I would suggest some counselling so someone who is neutral can help, there must be something that is holding her back.

My dad's partner was newly retired, single and with children who lived in different continents at the same age as your mother. She still volunteers, she does U3A, she's in the Rotary Inner Wheel, she travels about to see friends, she's constantly face-timing her grandchildren on her ipad, she's joined all sorts of stuff and is always going to a talk on this or that, or a lunch here and there. I'm not entirely sure how she fits in my dad, I think he comes below her allotment in the list!

It's really frame of mind rather than age.

Op I agree you talk about your mum as if she’s near 100!!! The ‘they have their own lives’ thing that she uses about siblings is one we had to talk my mum out of too, chances are they’re saying‘I’d love to see my sister but she never contacts me!’. She needs to start classes, go to the library, possibly get a job if possible? A few hours in a local shop or something? As someone said a dog might be another option? There are womens sheds out there, swimming classes, aqua aerobics, walking groups, tell her to go out to a cafe, the cinema, the theatre- she needs to start remembering how to live!