My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

Is she still working? 57 is not old.

Great update op!

Im the same age as your mom and don’t consider myself old or “older”. Im so glad she’s opened up her life a bit!

Does your mum work? Does she not have colleagues that she could meet for a drink etc?
She does need to get online, there are local walking groups and social groups, WI, church.

Your mum has not kept up with the times- to stay ‘young’ I believe we need to embrace new things, keep up curiosity and remain interested in the world- your mum seems to be doing none of these things, it sounds harsh but she needs to take on responsibility for her predicament- you can suggest things and look for info on groups to go to to help her over the first hurdle but you can’t force her to do anything- it is out of your control and in trying to take control of the situation you will set yourself up for failure. It is a good sign she has told you as she is aware- but does she actually want to change? It is scary but what is SHE willing to do about it?

have you discussed her menopause? Is she on HRT?

potentially she could have another ~40years ahead of her- that is a long time to feel lonely!! Would she get a dog/cat for some company/ get her out the house for dog walking? Maybe a part time job to get her out the house if she’s not working still??

my mum is in her 70’s and also relies on me for emotional support, and doesn’t have many friends in her life, however does still take an interest in the news, her garden, goes to the theatre on her own so still keeps herself busy.. It is very hard though to prop her up sometimes though.

I remember your post. I still can't quite fathom why your mum sounds as though she's 20 years older. Glad that things are better. I would suggest she gets a job, joins a gym and takes a class at least twice during the week and at weekends and takes up one hobby.

Well it’s a start op. If I were you I would start thinking ahead so she can be independent as she gets older eg can she learn how to do online shopping and online banking for example?

Don't be in my situation where I am food shopping and getting cash out for my elderly parent who is completely housebound and I have been doing it for nearly ten years! If I didn’t/couldn’t do it, say I was unwell, I don’t know how they would eat - literally! They are older than your mum but refused point blank to use the internet even after they were given a brand new iPad and everything was set up at home for them.

The OP has already posted about this.

It is so important you keep busy. Our mam is 80s joined nothing. Moans and moans. We all worn out.

Well done pleased that things have got better for your DM. However I hope that you are prioritising your life - and not feeling obligated as an only child to provide her with DCs. Do not be held hostage to her moods. Hand her any tools but please dont get sucked into and drained by her misery. Put in boundaries and prioritise your own career, relationships, emotional growth and joy. Dont keep pushing water up hill. If someone is lonely its because they havent invested in reciprocal relationships - your DM needs to give more - not keep taking.

Er, basic maths. Unless she lives to be over 114 years old (highly unlikely), it's factually true that she's a lot closer to the end of her life. According to the ONS calculator, the OP's mum's current estimated life expectancy is 87 (all things being equal). So, she's lived about two-thirds of her life already.

Wow from your description she sounds like my mum who is in her early 80’s. Refuses to join any groups although she has a community centre on her door step, refuses to go online, old friends invited her out for coffee or lunch and she knocked them all back. Preferring to moan, critical and be miserable waiting for people to visit her.

My godmum on the other hand is 79, got married last year, still plays a sport, tours in a motor home in summer, caters for all in the village (hosts BBQ’s, tea parties, dinner parties at her house and bakes and makes jam for people especially looking out for the old folk/ lol. She says the way to keep young is too be sociable and to have a wide variety of interests and a lot of friends especially younger friends. She has adult children and grandchildren but doesn’t see a lot of them as she and they all have busy lives. She tires me out telling me what she has been doing or is going to do. But I love spending time with her although it’s rare.

I am closest to your mums age and wouldn’t dream of burdening my children early 20’s. Could you go with her or encourage her by getting her details to join a craft group, chair yoga, a walking group, a history group, bookclub, WI group, village community group, gardening group, pub quiz, bingo, badminton or bowls club etc etc. She is probably too young for Uni of the third age but she sounds like she has the right mindset by the sounds of it.

Even if you had children she would probably still moan and may not be as interested in them as you might think. Take care OP.