My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me

Yes, there are millions us and many of them are on here. Why are you so anxious to get your poor aged mother 🙄partnered up? does she WANT a man in her life?

57 ISN'T OLD. FFS.

Hmmm............the original post was at 9.30, there have been all these replies, but the OP has't been back.

57 year old woman who hasn't got an electric kettle?? OK then 😂

Blimey OP, no wonder your mum feels lonely and depressed - she's literally living the life of a 50+ woman in the 1950s!

I'm a similar age (but married with two teenage DCs). I do live in a city, but me and my friends and peers still lead a life not dissimilar to most 20-somethings.

A big group were all at a festival last summer taking MDMA (but that was my reason for not going).

It's going to take a little while but your mum, with encouragement from you, needs to gently bring herself into the 21st century, and vastly increased happiness will follow.

57 isn't old

But it's clear that the mum is acting old , way old before her time and OP is looking for help

Not being online is incredibly unusual and will make things difficult - it's usually people in their 70s or 80s that are internet resistant

She doesn't need a man necessarily though - bizarre

She needs sone interests , work , volunteering , hobby groups

They nearly all organise via online though

Starting point must be finding out where her interests will lie

Music
Books
Gardening
People
Children
Painting
history

Then find the appropriate community group
U3A can also be good but I am not sure she's old enough

70 next year. Feel better and healthier than when I was working. Bucket list is a mile long, as well.

Can I suggest volunteering at a charity shop? Before you/she throw hands up in horror I'll tell you my experience. Where I help out is not a smelly jumble sale and you can do as little or as much as you like and there is no technology just an electric till. The other volunteers are mainly retired or younger and between jobs (90% women but the manager is a bloke) and I could meet one of them for coffee every day of the week if I had the time! You can chat to customers (or not as long as you're welcoming), do the till or price stuff up, tidy shelves or steam donations. I used to do a 4-hr shift but since a recent illness I only do 2 hrs now - they are extremely grateful for any help anyone can give and some just pop in to say hello on other days. Honestly, if your mum finds one similar (have a recce round them first to get the feel) it could cheer her up no end. There's absolutely no pressure as they're just grateful to have someone. I hope she finds something that interests her anyway x

How does this help?

Using a kettle in the hob? Because she won’t adapt to an electric kettle?

are you sure she’s 57? Was she born somewhere without electricity? I am the same age and have never used anything but an electric kettle.

it’s very strange.

Yes beginning to think you might be right!

Another 'wow' from me. Assuming this is real: a) she is leaning and offloading on you far too much - you could have another three decades of this and it's unhealthy b) why doesn't she LEARN how to use a phone and possibly sign up for a class c) wtf - late 50s is not old!

Mathematically you're right that she's nearer death than birth probably, but you've just written off nearly half her probable life!

I feel as there's about to be a massive drip feed about how a 57 year old woman has managed to avoid technology so doggedly for so long. I don't think rotary dial phones can even be used on the current network. Is she religious, or lives on a croft in Uist, or something? Is there a bigger back story about her marriage, or her relationship with your dad? Has she struggled with her mental health in the past? If he 'did everything' then maybe her reluctance to engage is part of her grief which has solidified into a genuine fear.

It feels like the real problem is not the fact that she isn't going online, but whatever it is that's stopping her.

Or this is a wind-up.

She needs to develop a social life. Join groups, volunteer, and find hobbies.
my mum sounds similar to yours, widowed at 55, retired, and has done nothing for 25 years but moan about how boring her life is and shes bitter, angry and limited, and expects her family to be her entertainment and social life.
We tried for years to get her to do hobbies or volunteer and she refused everything.
Conversely, I'm 57, and spent the weekend walking up a mountain with a bunch of people aged 60+. One of them who is 79 is planning a wild camping and solo 14-day hike across Scotland. Something she does every year in one form or another. She can also drink me under the table. My nan was still ballroom dancing at 95
Age is a mindset.

my mum sounds similar to yours, widowed at 55, retired, and has done nothing for 25 years but moan about how boring her life is and shes bitter, angry and limited, and expects her family to be her entertainment and social life.
We tried for years to get her to do hobbies or volunteer and she refused everything

Late DM was the same. She'd been a carer for DGM and when GM died had no idea what to do with herself and wasn't going to bother to find out, either. I thik a lot of the problem was that with us and DGM she'd been a carer for 40 years and had developed no interests outside that.

Child, is that you?? No seriously I am a teeny bit older than your mum, I don't date but have a reasonably active social life. I chat to my DC as otherwise life would be a bit quiet at home. But certainly not wanting grandkids yet!

Good grief..I'd love to be 57 again..I was going to tell you all about my life and what I did but then realised we're all very different people in different situations so it would be silly to expect her to be a different person. However, there are small changes she could make with huge good repercussions.
I'm early 70s..gulp..nearing life's end...bloody hope not.. I started to volunteer in a charity shop 6 months ago and it's the best thing I've done since giving up work (due to an accident in 2019). The women there are lovely, we enjoy each other's company so much so, we go out together, we talk about our problems, we share out lives basically. I laugh..a lot..it's a worthwhile thing to do. We have regular customers whose ups and downs we share. It's bloody brilliant. You do have to get up off your bum though and participate in life..the first step will be up to her. Maybe she's a bit depressed but that too can be helped but you have to seek help yourself. She could have another 40 years of life to live starting today..
It's good she has a caring daughter.

I find it very difficult to believe that anyone my age is this disconnected from modern life. Even my most old fashioned friends are internet users with smart phones. My 81 yo dad has a smartphone.

At 57 I’m well aware that I’m well into the second half of my life, but that spurs me even more into doing everything I can while I’m still fit enough. The idea of retirement (working towards retirement at 60 ish) just means opportunity to spend more time having fun.

Why is mum feeling lonely / not enjoying life as much as a few years ago ? is it because she no longer has her husband / partner ?

Why would she like grandchildren - is she hoping / planning on looking after them during the day when you return to work ? or is she hoping / planning on being at your home with you all day if you become a stay at home mum ?

Does she drive / have a car ?

I am older than your mum, but still work part time ( 12 hours a week ) and am so looking forward to retiring at 67 :) counting down the years !

I would hate the idea of going to classes for any type of exercise / I don't do crafts of any type and do not intend to learn.
I feel tho if she did express any interest in any class / group / meeting you will need to go with her to begin in. For some people the idea of walking into a strange place and meeting strangers is so off putting.

I do tho have dogs ( yes several ) so am out twice a day in all weathers and have met / know enough dog walkers to ' pass the time of day with ' I do not want or need to become friends with them.

I guess your mum didn't ever work and was a stay at home mum ? so her skills are ' traditional ' :) i.e. cooking / baking / housework - is that a skill or a duty ! childcare, so yes helping children to read in a local school - would give her something to do but won't find her friends but she may need a DBS ?
I love the lady who cooks in a local center and that could very well be something your mother could excel at ?

Could she phone her sisters and friends more often ? does she phone them at all ? do they all have husbands/partners so she thinks they are too busy for her ?

What does she like doing ? How does she spend her day ?

(Please stay away from the online dating for her, I can see so many problems occurring. And she may not want another man in her life ?)

I guess the OP hasn't replied back yet as she is at work ?

WOW im not sure where to start!
It's not age, it's her mindset which needs to change
I'm 59, moderately disabled so unable to work have adult DC's but no grandchildren yet
I consider myself well informed and I'm always learning
Firstly, it's wrong of your DM to expect you to fill the void in her life, and she doesn't need a partner to fulfil that need either
Does she work? Presumably not as she doesn't use technology
I suggest she enrols on a computer literacy course first.
These are usually run by councils
She will be unable to sign up for anything without this
Charity shop, animal shelters for volunteering
Yoga, Pilates etc to get out and join in
Rock choir Perhaps?
Perhaps she needs a GP visit to check for depression or HRT as her outlook could be a symptom

Depression is often undiagnosed in older people - which might explain why some people moan but don't take action to improve their life ?

Ah, OP, I really feel for you. I was very close to my mum, who was widowed in her early 50s. I really felt as if it was my job to look after her as if I was the parent. What developed was a situation where I made achieving happiness for her the centre of my life, and a precondition for me going off to live mine. I eventually realised that she was quite happy with things as they were - for her, as long as she had someone in her life to lean on (me) and who would drop everything for her at a moment's notice, everything was fine. I did then disengage from her a bit, meet someone, and have a child of my own.

I wouldn't assume that your and my situations/mums are identical, but I get the impression that you feel very much as if your mum's problems are yours to solve. I would disengage a bit, with love. If she doesn't want to go online, that's fine. If she doesn't want to date, that's fine. Check in with her regularly, show her you love her and care about her, but as long as you're doing those things how she lives the rest of her life is very much up to her.

If she's 57 then she was only 33/34 at the millennium? How did she manage to bypass all technology? Presumably she was working then?

Someone I know is your Mum's age, has no partner or children. She works fulltime in a job that requires you to be very familiar with all the recent technology. She was away with a friend for Christmas, away last weekend, buying a campervan and planning to be away loads and works remotely.

I'm a couple of years younger and have just moved 100 miles from where I lived for 20 years, closer to where I grew up so do have people fairly close I knew already but have made several new friends in the last year who I see regularly and that's without having joined any clubs etc as I can't walk at the moment. There was a bit of luck involved ie. someone answered an ad for something I was giving away free but you need to make the effort to be friendly and talk to people and then over time friendships form.

As others have said she is really quite unusual in using a rotary phone etc and it is in both your interests to help her get online now and also getting out doing something, anything at this point.

Just wanted to add I’m 55 no partner one adult son no grandchildren and I’m happy as party enjoying my freedom.

Age really is a mindset and your mum has decided to be old long before her time.

As almost everyone has said, no idea how shes escaped technology as we had computers to wards the end of school in mid 80’s and the internet been widely used for well over 20 years

I am 53 and hoping to travel quite a lot in the next few years. Meet new people and enjoy the world. People are very unforgiven with people who are not tech friendly but the reality is that it came so fast that is hard to keep up. However, we can’t run away from it. Even the money is now digital and she must open up a bit. I would not advise internet dating but more like try to join in things that she find interesting. If she is in a big city she has many options. Talks, cinema, courses, theatre, volunteering opportunities. A pet like a dog could be nice they are a joy for people whose kids are grown up. or what about even jobs as a pet sitter. 57 is a good age to enjoy life if you are heathy. People would dream to be retired at that age with still energy for things. Come on encourage her.

Gosh. I’m really close to your mums age. I’m not thinking of popping my clogs for another thirty plus years if I can help it. I feel nearer my forties than my sixties.

I have a good social life that I would say is partly driven by having access to social media. I have a few grandchildren but don’t see them much due to distance. I belong to the WI and a couple of other groups locally like knit and natter. I do have a DH and I’m always busy.

id see if a WI would fit the bill, lots of the ladies in ours don’t do the internet but that doesn’t detract. You can pop along as a guest a couple of times, it may take a couple of visits to find the one with the people your mum may feel more comfortable with, there are afternoon ones which quite often have an older retired group. Once in a WI there’s often lots of groups for book clubs, walking, crafting, lunch clubs, etc. I’d think it was a good place to start as there’s a lot on offer within each.