My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

Brilliant idea. Introduce a child into your world so that she can keep your mum company. 🙄

I know what you meant, but I'm 70 and I don't feel like it.

I will be going kicking and screaming into that Good Night!

Where I live, the Red Cross provide tech courses for those who have missed out on the opportunity to learn about computers and smart phones etc.

Oh, there's still one or two that do everything on paper and read the minutes out to everyone 😱

I’m really puzzled at her being so ‘traditional’ at only 57. I’m 62 and wouldn’t know what ‘tradition’ for my age would even be in that context. I’m still making plans for my future for when my youngest is totally independent (late to motherhood) and feel like I’m raring to go for the future, not voluntarily having one foot in the grave. Has she always been old for her age?

I don’t think it’s fair of her to look to you for all her support and needs when she’s not even elderly.

Well my mum’s 88 and can use a smart phone and iPad. I’m 60 and have been using ‘new’ tech since the 1980s.

Your mum needs to get out more. Join a yoga class; volunteer in a charity shop or with cats or something. She sounds bored and depressed. She needs to build up a friendship group of women around her own age.

Don’t encourage dating. I’m happily married but my friends say it is the absolute pits.

Hard as it is your Mum is going to have to step up and help herself. Not using tech these days is a bit like saying I don't use electricity. Could she be persuaded to sign up to a computer literacy course ? If she could embrace this it really will open a whole new world for (and save you a lot of work having to sort out every little thing for her for the next 30 years).

57 and never online? I take it she doesn't work? Wow. 57 is younger than me and I'm still learning!

Have you considered showing her adult education for older people? What about keep fit for older people or yoga - even online?

Getting out and about even just to a community library might help.

OMG - I am 57 this year and your mum sounds like another generation to me, but actually my mum in her 80s uses technology. How can she avoid technology altogether? Does she work? What job does she do that does not require any technology?

I work full time in a professional role and I do not feel my best years are behind me. I'm not even retired - the best is yet to come!

I think it must be hard to maintain friendships and socialise if you don't text and message - your mum sounds like she has opted out of society and must have done that years ago, so it isn't necessarily age related. You need to ignore her age, that is not the issue - it is her closed attitude to life that is holding her back, but I am not sure what you can do to help if she won't help herself.

Thinking about it, one of my WI members was widowed very young with no children. No family worth talking about. She's now in her 70s
She worked till retirement and has good friends from those days who she often holidays with
She has newer friends from the WI and is very active, either walking, in a number of other groups and out and about with friends.
She is also usually busy at home with DIY, gardening and craft.

She's great! But she puts in as much as she takes out of life.

WTF!

OP - just wondering - now - when you see your mum,'what kinds of things do you do together ? If it's normally that you are popping round her house for tea, or you meet for pub lunch etc, instead of doing this could you arrange to go with her for a few sample sessions eg at group meet ups or a salsa class or something?

I think the word you're reaching for is: Stupid

Why on earth would you have a baby just to keep your mother occupied?

this is really sad.

I guess it depends upon what you place your value on?

Definitely not old! My mum is 60 (married to my dad and has 3 adult kids) she does have 6 grandkids though and another on the way! She has a group of friends that she talks to via WhatsApp and sees fairly regularly, she also goes swimming and exercise classes a few times a week too, so her and my dad are fairly busy most of the time, despite being retired lol..

I'd suggest she gets online with your help to meet other people her own age, maybe joins a WI aswell or other organisations to meet people. It's perfectly possible to enjoy life as a single woman! Maybe reconnect with her siblings abit?

OP, your mother reminds me of my MIL. When she turned 60 (very much NOT old), she decided she was 'an old lady' and her world got smaller and smaller over the next few years. Flat out refused to engage with any technology, wouldn't engage with anything out of her comfort zone, expected everyone to visit her and provide her with entertainment. Complained constantly and was utterly miserable. She was ancient well before her time

Your mother is leaning far too heavily on you to bring her happiness and give her life meaning. There are loads of great suggestions on this thread, but you can't do any of them for her. If she's too depressed or afraid to take a risk on joining a social group or take up a new hobby, then she's just not going to do it. She sounds extremely stuck in her ways, and has both you and herself thinking that she's ancient and one foot in the grave! It doesn't have to be that way, but she's the only one who can change it. I wish you luck

'Unpopular - but I would try for a baby. :) If it's your dream and your mother's longing, go for it! Maybe adoption, fostering. Why not?

I think the word you're reaching for is: Stupid
Why on earth would you have a baby just to keep your mother occupied?'

Well said. OP, I'm sure you had no intention of following this utterly daft advice but just in case, it's DAFT advice

Your mum would have been in her early 30s even late 20s when the internet started to become mainstream. What was your mum doing then? I can’t see how she missed out to the extent you describe.

Just wondering, because of the trad/conservative thing, if she’s religious?

Churches can be great for having related events and activities for their members.

I'm 55 still working full time, no GC and not expecting any in the near future as DC are busy establishing careers and enjoying their 20s.
I don't have close friends but I am married and have the a few hobbies that I can sustain whilst working and will do more as I start to reduce my hours.
I don't feel like my life is nearly at the end and I am making plans to get the most out of the next 10-15 years.
I know nobody of my age that has the limited tech skills and outlook of your DM, are there other factors contributing to this?

My DM is 80, using email, a smartphone and can shop and bank online. She struggled to set up her new TV but once I had got her logged in to the correct aps she was fine.

I'm 59 next week, jesus was your mum bought up in a convent?!

My dad is 87 and living alone quite happily and luckily independent. He is retired and it's quite hard to pin him down with a date to meet up - works in a charity shop one morning a week, choir one morning a week, goes to a gardening club one morning a week and when you add his dog-sitting duties and meeting friends for lunch and the occasional "Oddfellows" meeting he has a full life.

I'm still working and have a teenager living at home and a non-resident partner so not in the same position as your mum but if you compare her to my 87 year old father there are plenty of non-online activities around including as several people have mentioned U3A and WI.

Your mum won't do this whilst you are propping her up. Get her to think about depression/anxiety/menopause if this is new behaviour otherwise support her to make an effort.

My mum (now sadly dead) had to reinvent herself when my Dad left her in her 50's and she learned to play bridge through a local authority evening class, went to the gym and learnt to play bowls. To varying degrees of success but in particular she met some nice friends through playing bridge and volunteering on the local diabetes association committee.

Yup, this. The lady you describe doesn’t sound like me or any of my friends (similar age) at all! What a shame that she isn’t embracing/enjoying life - 57 is young!

Your fifty seven year old mother refuses to have an electric kettle and has never been online?

Nah.

It’s not her age! She sounds like an oddball. As a pp said, our generation (I’m 51) got the internet, email etc in our 20s, and it’s been an absolute requirement in virtually everyone’s working life ever since — did she not work, ever? I have friends in their 60s and 70s who farm, and they’re using all kinds of innovative tech!

I have a good friend I’ve only recently reconnected with who is 55, single and childfree, and is, I think the most contented, free, and interesting person I know, or close to. Despite surviving an aggressive form of breast cancer (double mastectomy) and a bad accident that left her with longterm damage, and making a recent move away from most of her friends to a different part of the country (to be able to buy a house), she’s already made local friends, organised a mini- street feast for her immediate neighbours, made lots of connections, started building up new clients. Your mother’s ’old before her time’ mindset is the problems not her age!

I’d suggest some form of personal development course.

Your mother is being self-limiting and I think, sorry to say that, you are colluding with her to some extent.

As others have said, she is still relatively young (a good few years younger than me) and I got a punch to the stomach when I read your words 'a lot closer to the end of her life ...' She could be only a bit over half way, OP!

She seems to have a very traditional mindset (you call it) but I'd call it 'stuck' and possibly depressed. The bit about the hob kettle - you do know electric kettles have been around since your mother was a child, if not before? These are not new-fangled creations nor, come to that, is the internet now. If she goes to a Silver Surfer class or similar, she'll learn about keeping herself (and her money) safe online. She really needs to get online because then she could find so much out about what's going on. Has she considered the University of the 3rd Age (U3A)? There's so much out there. Personally, I would advise her to avoid online dating as it's a sewer

I've said on here before that the best years of my life (so far) were from 55 to 60. I travelled and had lovers. I had fun. It's so sad to hear of your mother, and others like her, thinking that life is pretty much over.

Unless your mum has serious illness, which she doesn't seem to have, you and she need to get her out of this hopeless mindset.