My mum (late 50s) is lonely and not enjoying life very much

[DMislonely]

My DM is 57. She relies on me quite a lot for emotional support and I also try to support her practically as much as I can. She has told me she feels lonely and isn’t enjoying life as much as she did a few years ago. I think there are a few factors that might be contributing to the situation and I’d like to ask for the views of other women who are around my mum’s age or older, particularly those with adult children and/or grandchildren. She has been single for the past 9 years and she doesn’t do online dating or anything like that. She has actually never been online. I have tried to persuade her to get online numerous times over the years, but she simply doesn’t want to. I think it would help her with her loneliness as she would be able to find people to talk to online on sites such as Mumsnet for example. I would describe her as a very traditional person. She doesn’t trust technology and has never really embraced it. A few examples are that she still uses a rotary-style phone, a kettle that boils on the hob, and she doesn’t want a smart metre installed because she doesn’t trust them. She has a few friends but she said she doesn’t see them very often. She also has a few siblings, but she only sees them once in a while. They all either live quite far away or they are busy with their own lives, so they don’t see her as a priority.

I have a few thoughts of my own. I realise that at 57, my mum is a lot closer to the end of her life than the beginning of it. She has said she feels really old. I’m sure there are plenty of women who are still enjoying life in their 50s, 60s and beyond, but unfortunately my mum isn’t. Aside from being single, she also has no grandchildren. She would love to have them and I am sure she would be an exceptional grandmother, but unfortunately the onus is entirely on me to produce any grandchildren. I am her only child. I would love to be a parent and have wanted to be one since I was in my early 20s, but unfortunately it hasn’t happened for me. I’m single and have no DCs. I’d just like to ask, do you think it’s possible for a woman around my mum’s age to be happy in life with no partner and no grandchildren? Are there any women here who have managed it? One of the reasons I’d like her to get online is that it would open up opportunities for her to meet people - and in particular, meeting a man. I think she needs someone in her life on a day-to-day basis, who she can confide in and share her life with, apart from just me.

It's not your job to provide a grandchild for her so please delete any guilt about that. You do what you want to with your own life - you sound very caring.

If you hadn't put your mum's age in the post I would have guessed you were talking about a woman of 80+!
Does she work? I think she should change jobs and meet people that way. There are still jobs for people who hate technology.

Yes I thought she was much older. Be careful op as it just gets worse mine 80s.. could she join a hobby as otherwise a long week in the house.

I'm the same age as your mum, I play sports with women over 25 years younger than me. I work FT. I've lost friends in the last few years to cancer. I've got friends who look and act older than they are. I can't stop time, but I'm making the most of it!
The only one who can change things is your mother

I totally get where you're coming from because my mum is similar but much older (nearly 80)
Yes she'd benefit from a wider circle but please don't force internet dating on her. The men out there are dire. Spare her that.

Does your mum not work?

@DMislonely People are different . My DM is 85. She still plays golf , joined the bowling club , does a quiz night once a week and is member of a little local club who have people to come in a give a talk about art or take them occasionally on a coach trip to go to a gallery , coffee morning once a week U3A is a good idea - they do lots . Anything really just to gently get back in the swing of doing things. Charity shop helping I think is a good idea.

She ( My Dm ) does not use technology - not even a mobile phone but she lives in a relatively small town , most of her friends have a land line and she still drives so that makes it easier . DF is still alive but to a great extent they have their own social lives - that said he is on line so can help her out with that. Lots of my mother's friends are widows but they still keep up with things.

I would say - before online dating , just look locally for clubs / groups / outings etc. Perhaps she needs more friends or acquaintances more than a new partner. If she joined , went on one thing , she might meet someone who would suggest something else. I would say in the normal run of things 57 is too early to say nearer the end of her life and so many people do a lot at that age. It doesn't need to be a lot but a toe in the water.

Could you get her a training course on how to use the internet?
It's probably quite daunting if you've never used it before (but easy when you know how).
It'll open up a whole new world for her

I feel for your mum. And as someone about that age I'm glad to see so many people saying it's not old, it isn't! I feel it sometimes when I am working with a load of 20-somethings but on the whole I really don't feel old old.

I am still working FT, having plenty of sex, seeing lots of friends, with loads of ideas about what I still want to do and see in the world.

So it's not her age, it's her attitude. I agree that you shouldn't feel you need to supply grandchildren though.

I'd suggest university of the third age, open university, and joining some clubs.

Gosh, I'm 58 and don't consider myself old at all!

The technology thing is really going to hinder her if she doesn't at least get some basic skills. Could you get her started on an iPad? These days it's not essential to be able to use as PC/laptop, but having some connection to the online world is becoming essential. Even if she joins local church groups/ WI etc the likelihood is that they will communicate via WhatsApp or email or Facebook groups etc.
It's also in your best interests to help her to learn, as she will only get more dependent on you otherwise.
Our local library runs silver surfer sessions for older people starting out with technology - is there anything like that near you?

Im 58 next month, and am having another tattoo to celebrate! I live alone, am disabled but work full time, have some lovely friends and find the internet is a great way to connect to people when my mobility isn't that great.

Online is a good idea but why the focus on online, and not clubs / volunteering / etc which are better long term solutions anyway?

I'm the same age as your mum and IMO there is more to life than having a man or grandchildren. Does your mum have no interest in anything else at all? Volunteering at a local playgroup maybe or joining a walking group or other groups she may have something in common with? I'm not particularly keen on tech stuff but needs must. I do agree with her about smart meters though, mine's been nothing but trouble since I had it.

I’m the same age as your mum and your attitude to her age is quite sad.

I’m your mum’s age and I’m very saddened by your account of her life. I don’t have DGC and I am married, but I’d cope fine if I was widowed. I’m not sure I’d do online dating , but I’m involved in quite a few societies and I’m a churchgoer. I’m still working but will retire probably at 60 and intend to be very active.

If she isn’t interested in using the internet, she will need to focus on community groups such as choirs, sports groups, WI, etc.

There are lots of ways to contribute to society and at 57 she still has many years of activity ahead of her.

A rotary phone????

Hmm. I smell a rat with this thread. Are you coming back OP, or just enjoying insulting women in their 50s?

Must admit I’ve reread the OP and got my doubts.

My gran was born in 1906 and even she had an electric kettle well before she died.

I am wondering too. She couldn’t have completely missed the internet at her age. It’s not adding up. I thought the op might even be a typo but she’s put 50s twice.

Wow Im 57 and may as well just shoot myself now!

If I was single now I'm afraid online dating would be my worst nightmare. That a sure fire way to erode any self esteem you had.

Is she on hrt? She actually may be menopausal or suffering symptoms of that if she hasn't sought treatment. She may be slightly depressed so perhaps a visit to the gp might be worthwhile.

Once you've established it's not a medical issue then try getting her involved in some clubs or yoga or whatever. My daughter goes with me.

It's quite a tricky age. Society tends to think you're invisible.

I am in my 50s and kept up with technology because I always worked but some of my friends who were office and bank workers became stay at home mums just before the internet took off and they got left behind. They never really returned to work. I think people forget how exponential the development in technology has been.

I’m in my 50s. It feels like you are describing my grandmother who is approaching 100. Not even my parents generation who are perfectly savvy individuals.

you aren’t going to create a massive personality shift. I would suggest your mother join some local activities. We have some available through our town hall. Many are specifically for 55+. Also look for adult education classes. There are also some
clubs that use the meeting rooms are out library. Many of these groups end up being hobby based so she might pick up a ukulele or learn to knit. Things she will continue even when she isn’t at a meeting.

If they've got the correct plug socket they're fine. We still use analogue technology for the phone system here - but not for much longer.

So eventually she'll have to have a router and a new phone.

The OP's mum might have an aga or just prefer the old sort.

Electric kettles aren't compulsory

Or it could be a load of nonsense...

She is 57. I’m only a couple of years younger than her and I have been online my whole adult life. I organised my whole wedding online and that was in 1997. As for rotary phone etc - ridiculous. If she wants to pretend she is an old woman who can’t operate any tech that post-dates 1979 then she can knock herself out, but that is a very definite choice and I wouldn’t play any part in it or feel guilty about what the effect of those choices are. Step back and live your life.

On reflection I think you are all right.
Another AI thread by an incel?