Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay near us for a weekend when we're staying at coastal resort

324 replies

Orestesa · 22/01/2024 00:20

I was hoping for some views about my husband's reaction about a suggestion I made.

My husband and I often go and stay on the Irish coast, because his parents have a holiday home there. We sometimes go there for a few weeks and work remotely from there. It's a lovely location near some landmarks.

My parents have never been to Ireland and would love to visit the landmarks on the coast. I thought it might be nice to suggest that they come over - just for a weekend - when we are there - but stay in a B&B somewhere nearby. We could then be their tour guides for a day and show them the coast, which we know well. A nice idea I thought?

But when I mentioned this idea to my husband, he was dead against it. He said he didn't want them coming over, and said if they're so keen to see the country, why haven't they been before given they're in their 70s.

I know they would love the experience and feel it's a shame I can't suggest it to them. I am baffled about why my husband is so against it. It would also be a good way to spend time with them. We would all have our own space.

Would others also feel baffled by this?

OP posts:
Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 00:46

I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with either my parents or PIL and DH feels the same. We have never been away with them and would rather not go on holiday than have to endure that.

Not everyone likes extended family to holiday with them. It is not something we’d consider under any circumstances.

I think you should respect DH wishes.

ClareBlue · 23/01/2024 00:49

Have you read any of the thread what so ever.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 23/01/2024 01:14

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 00:46

I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with either my parents or PIL and DH feels the same. We have never been away with them and would rather not go on holiday than have to endure that.

Not everyone likes extended family to holiday with them. It is not something we’d consider under any circumstances.

I think you should respect DH wishes.

it's not all about you, dear.

maybe try actually reading the OP's posts?

BayCityCoaster · 23/01/2024 02:03

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 00:46

I can’t imagine anything worse than going on holiday with either my parents or PIL and DH feels the same. We have never been away with them and would rather not go on holiday than have to endure that.

Not everyone likes extended family to holiday with them. It is not something we’d consider under any circumstances.

I think you should respect DH wishes.

Now go back and re-read the OP.

Anxhor · 23/01/2024 02:40

He's just not that into them

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 07:47

ClareBlue · 23/01/2024 00:49

Have you read any of the thread what so ever.

I have and I wouldn’t agree to it under any circumstances.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 23/01/2024 07:52

I have and I wouldn’t agree to it under any circumstances

What wouldn't you agree to? People staying in a B&B near you for a weekend. Talk me through how you'd enforce that.

I'm all ears.

Darkofnight · 23/01/2024 08:29

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 07:47

I have and I wouldn’t agree to it under any circumstances.

Show quote history

Why would you dislike it so much @Charlie2121? What are the issues you see?
(assuming you get on with with them usually that is)

ChillysWaterBottle · 23/01/2024 08:29

ClareBlue · 22/01/2024 09:46

Of course they can book on without the permission of the husband and of course OP can take the time to be with them without permission. But that doesn't negate the issue that the OP has just found out that her husband is a complete selfish dick. Who says their partner shouldn't have a weekend with their elderly parents visiting places and catching up because they have never been to the place before. What reasonable partner objects to this. All the rationale and excuses posted explaining why it might be a reasonable position are just BS. If your partner has a good relationship with their parents then you objecting to them spending a couple of days with them is selfish and controlling.

This.

What a mean-spirited, selfish man. My partner would never treat me and my family like this, and I wouldn't dream of treating his like this.

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 09:00

Darkofnight · 23/01/2024 08:29

Why would you dislike it so much @Charlie2121? What are the issues you see?
(assuming you get on with with them usually that is)

Show quote history

Holiday time, even extended holiday time including some work, is for me, my DH and DC.

It has never crossed my mind to go on holiday with parents, siblings or indeed any other family members. I would rather not go if that was the only option.

My life isn’t closely intertwined with parents or PIL so why on earth would I choose to spend holidays with them? It’s an invasion of privacy.

I realise others have different preferences and that’s fine but those who do should appreciate that not all feel the same. I can fully understand DH’s stance and think it is totally reasonable.

Darkofnight · 23/01/2024 09:19

@Charlie2121
Fair enough and thanks for replying to my question.

I guess it's all fine if the sort of arrangements you describe suit both partners in a couple, but here it's difficult as OP and her DH are at odds.

It's also noteworthy that DH's parents call to visit them in the holiday cottage every weekend, so it seems DH has one rule for his parents and another for hers (even though they appear to get on usually). That doesn't seem fair.

Charlie2121 · 23/01/2024 09:25

Darkofnight · 23/01/2024 09:19

@Charlie2121
Fair enough and thanks for replying to my question.

I guess it's all fine if the sort of arrangements you describe suit both partners in a couple, but here it's difficult as OP and her DH are at odds.

It's also noteworthy that DH's parents call to visit them in the holiday cottage every weekend, so it seems DH has one rule for his parents and another for hers (even though they appear to get on usually). That doesn't seem fair.

That’s a very fair comment. I agree consistency matters.

Mybootsare · 23/01/2024 09:26

My life isn’t closely intertwined with parents or PIL so why on earth would I choose to spend holidays with them? It’s an invasion of privacy.

I realise others have different preferences and that’s fine but those who do should appreciate that not all feel the same. I can fully understand DH’s stance and think it is totally reasonable.

edited as cross posted with replies above I was just going to point out OPs DH stance is clearly double standards, which is different from someone who refuses both parents and in-laws but I see that’s already been agreed in the discussion above.

OP, I think you should invite your parents to a nearby bnb and say you’d like to spend some time alone with them so you show them around the whole weekend except for a brief meeting with your husband eg. Coffee .

If your husband refuses that brief meeting that says it all - he clearly has zero respect for you and yours. I struggle to understand this lack of hospitality , I’m not the type to have guests over all the time but for him to specifically exclude your parents is weird and I couldn’t be with someone who had this mentality unless there was a specific reason eg. My family was rude to him.

I mean you’re somewhere for 2-4 weeks and it pains you to spend one or two days going on day trips with extended family who are not even staying in your holiday home.

Anderson2018 · 23/01/2024 09:42

Why don’t you discuss it with your husband and find out why he feels that way? Instead of putting it on the internet for strangers to berate him and call him an ass hole? 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s so weird to me that such a simple conversation could solve this, have you told him your seeking validation from strangers and have had a bunch of strangers belittling him over something they know nothing about? How horrible for him.

TheOriginalFrench · 23/01/2024 09:44

Hello @Orestesa‘s Husband! Grin

Payakan · 23/01/2024 10:20

My parents are like that, funny about their properties. They have several holiday homes and they tolerate the SIL and DIL, but if friends are planning to come nearby, then we are asked not to use their homes, even if friends are not staying inside the house.
They never really explained, they cut the conversation short and say they it is their homes, they don't people coming in and it is their prerogative.

whynotwhatknot · 23/01/2024 10:25

he cant bloody stop them booking a b and b down the road ffs

you want his approval -why? does he always have the last say

LadyEloise1 · 23/01/2024 10:38

Gosh you are lucky @Payakan with several holiday homes to choose from.
I can see it from your parents perspective re people in their home but it's OP's parents - they're hardly going to have a rave snd invite all and sundry. Smile

JustExistingNotLiving · 23/01/2024 11:10

It's also noteworthy that DH's parents call to visit them in the holiday cottage every weekend, so it seems DH has one rule for his parents and another for hers (even though they appear to get on usually). That doesn't seem fair.

Ive been wondering if the fact the parents are there every weekend isn’t the issue here.
The fact they are there is fair enough. It’s their cottage!
But I’m wondering how they would react if they learnt the OP’s parents were there and staying at a B&B. They might be horrified and would invite them themselves (as suggested by a PP).
The DH might have an issue with spending time with his IL vs his parents?

financialcareerstuff · 23/01/2024 12:03

OP, have to say I can understand. People have a sense of different spaces, and I for one really like preserving those spaces for certain dynamics. If this is a space that feels free for him, then it becoming a space your parents visit could spoil that. And he may be afraid of the slippery slope.... if they love it, maybe they'll come for longer next time, or it becomes expected that they come any time you go there.... or his parents start feeling obliged to invite your parents to stay in the house....

I'm just guessing, but I think if it feels wrong to him you should respect that.

EffieGraysDisappointingWeddingNight · 23/01/2024 12:10

I'm just guessing, but I think if it feels wrong to him you should respect that.

Be a compliant little wife.

Hont1986 · 23/01/2024 12:13

I thought near the start of this thread 'maybe this is a special place from his childhood and he doesn't want to share it with just anyone', and I see that OP has now confirmed that he has been going there since he was a child. It's irrational and selfish, sure, but I can understand his feelings. It's like when you introduce a friend to something and then they want to bring their own friend along with/without you.

SallyWD · 23/01/2024 12:24

We're talking a couple of days here, not 2 weeks! It will be a wonderful experience for OP's parents who may soon be too old to travel. For OP's husband it will be at worst, mildly annoying. He can even make an excuse of having something to do if he really can't bear to be with them. I feel it's incredibly mean spirited to deny his wife and in-laws this experience. I

VoleChomper · 23/01/2024 12:27

Lol

OP’s husband doesn’t have dibs on Clifden or Spiddal or Carraroe or wherever it is. And from the sounds of things he’s a mere blow in himself.

Invite your parents over, OP. You show them the sights, have a great time. If DH wants to join in or not that’s up to him.

The only thing that would stop me from telling my parents the truth of the situation would be the fact it would no doubt hurt their feelings.

He really has a cheek expecting you to socialise with his parents every weekend and then pulling this stunt? A blow in and a tosser.

Heidi75 · 23/01/2024 12:28

Honestly? He's being a total arse! You spend plenty of time with his parents when you are there and he's being utterly selfish. Without wanting to sound morbid, they are in their 70s and it's something they would enjoy, who knows how many holidays they could have whilst fit and well to enjoy them and for you to be able to spend quality time with them. You go for weeks and you are asking to share just 1 weekend. He is completely unreasonable and needs to properly explain why he is unwilling to do something that would make someone he supposedly loves happy!