Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

So he has, in fact, actually raped you.

Can you see it yet?

People who cannot take no for an answer are not safe to be around.

He will do it again. Leave!

It's genuinely upsetting to read women in 2024 suggesting that if your husband shouts at you for not wanting to have sex, you should give him a blow job or wank him off to appease him.

Jesus fucking Christ.

(And that's without mentioning the fact he's raped her previously.)

Ah. We have been there and I did withdraw consent halfway through (it was hurting me), and he didn’t stop. He said he didn’t hear me as he was too focused on himself.

Ask yourself this - if his mother/boss/weirdo with a camera/whoever burst into the bedroom, would he have stopped then? I think the answer would be yes. Yes, he can control himself and stop in the middle of sex when it suits him. If he had wanted to stop (as any good person should after being asked), he would have stopped.

should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it

No, you should not. He is vile for wanting you to even consider doing this.

You are perfectly normal. If a man treated me in an abusive way like that he would be out without his feet touching the ground. What a pig. Your body isn't a reward for good behaviour like sweets.

Thank you all for the messages. I have talked to him properly this afternoon while the children were out of earshot.

He said it is not frequency that is the problem, and he absolutely does not want me to have any sex I don’t want. He understands why I feel shaken by the way he has behaved sometimes in the past and says he feels very bad about that. He says he just feels very unattractive, that I am not attracted to him, and that me explaining the times I feel like sex as being connected to my menstrual cycle makes him feel worse, as again that’s not about him but about me.

In fact he stressed A LOT that it is about more than just sex. He feels that he can’t “make” me anything - eg he can’t make me happy (if I’m in a good mood, then I’m chirpy; if I’m feeling stressed/tired/in pain, then I’m fed up - and nothing he can do will change my mood). He said that makes him feel as though he has no real influence in my life.

I understand what he means but I’m even more baffled really. Aren’t most people like that? If I’m feeling good - work going well, having fun, kids behaving, no pain, looking and feeling more sparkly (and yes, that’s usually week 2 of cycle!!) - then yes I am chirpy and fun to be with, and unless he’s a complete pain in the neck then that won’t change.

And if I have PMT or am in pain (I actually have a chronic pain condition that’s not period-related), house is a mess, kids squabbling, work stress, my mother is ill and needs care …..well then I’m going to be grumpy and no glass of wine or offer of tea or flowers is going to solve it. Are other people not like this? If you’ve had a terrible day at work and your partner brings you a cup of tea, do you bounce out of it? I don’t seem to be able to. But he seems to take that personally as though he’s not an important person in my life somehow.

My god what a simpering pathetic man op, making it all about him.

He's absolutely saying that you need to have sex with him to make him feel wanted, and if he brings you a brew your legs should fly open.

Christ I think my hymen has just grown back.

He even complained he’d overheard my telling our daughter that she couldn’t “make” someone happy (she was carefully making something for her sibling who was sad, and she said she wanted to do the best job possible to make the sibling feel happy). I said “it’s lovely you’re making that and I’m sure they’ll love it, but happiness has to come from inside - you can’t actually MAKE someone be happy”.

Really I didn’t want our daughter to be disappointed if her sibling remained sad despite the gift. But he thought this a crazy thing to say and was indicative of my unnatural attitude! I sometimes really don’t know if it’s me or not.

It's not you, he's very VERY strange.

There's a really interesting video I found that explains a woman's cycle really well and how the changing hormones effect our behaviour throughout. Start at 1:10 in the video. I found this really interesting.
Maybe showing him this will help him understand a bit more.

So rather than accept he’s being abusive, he makes it YOUR fault.

Even more red flags and that’s straight out of the abusers handbook.

Honestly OP not everyone on here can be wrong

Classic DARVO tactics

The manipulation is very strong with him.

He’s talking a load of waffle to make you think it isn’t about all the sex but it really is.

He’s trying to make you feel guilty that your whole world doesn’t revolve around making him happy and giving him all the sex he wants.

He is coercive, he is abusive and he is talking absolute bollocks to get you to do what he wants.

Quite a few threads recently from women who seem to want our collusion in them staying with a blatantly abusive partner.

Curious to know what he considers "doing something nice for you" is? Buying you an expensive handbag or doing the washing up for you? What a knob.

When he said you shouldn't be upset about slagging other men comments because it is just how he feels, how about he isn't upset when you say no to see as it's just how you feel...

Oh he understands all right. He's PRETENDING he doesn't.

Life is too short for these kind of men.
He sounds just too much like hard work. Manipulative, abusive, needy.
You do not have to be ready to have sex with him for any reason. So tedious all these males who think that sex is a right of theirs within a relationship. Like the dark ages ...

No. No-one can "make" anyone feel anything. Things they do can help you feel different, but how you feel is a you thing not and anyone else thing. Things that mean something to you will make you happy, sad, angry, stressed etc. It's an internal, individual thing.

My DH does a lot of things that make me feel happy. But it's because he's doing things that he knows means something to me. If I'd had a shit day at work and he brought me a cup of tea, I'd appreciate it but it wouldn't change the fact I'd had a shit day at work and it was on my mind.

Similarly, my DH can turn me on, and does. But like you, when my hormones are in a certain place I get the horn anyway. And so it doesn't take much for me to want to jump him. Yes, my hormones made me fancy sex but its him that makes me want to have it. I could be at work surrounded by men in that week of my cycle but it doesn't make me want to jump them. That's only DH.

If I don't want sex, doesn't matter how lovely he is or how sexy he is. My body doesn't respond. But DH loves me for me, not for the fact I "give" him sex. So he doesn't care what it is that makes me more likely to want to jump him. As long as I do sometimes.

That's the difference with your DH. He gets angry when you say no. He can't understand that sex drive is controlled by hormone levels (in all of us, just tend to be more stable in men) and that women's hormone levels fluctuate. He'd rather you were just falling at his feet than spend 2 seconds thinking "actually, biologically that does make some sense".

WTF

Any kind of sexual intimacy should be with full enthusiastic consent and should NEVER be a "compromise". Are you high???

Your daughter sounds lovely.

If she comes to you as a teen or adult and tells you that her boyfriend / husband has said exactly what your husband has said today, following that boyfriend / husband shouting at her for not wanting sex and getting 'very angry indeed' on other occasions, what would you tell her to do?

Would you want her to stay in a relationship with him? Or would you think he was sexually coercing her and was not a safe partner?

It's scary you have daughters and can't see this clearly. It means he's worn you down and convinced you that you're a weirdo when all you have is literally normal moods. Sometimes happy, sometimes not as happy, sometimes hormones that make you feel good, sometimes ones that don't. You know, a fully functioning actual human.

So again, if your daughter was the 'you' in this scenario, what would your advice to her be? And would you think her partner was fundamentally a good person? The one who shouts at her and gets 'very angry indeed' when she doesn't want to have sex with him?

Just to add to all the very correct comments, once you hit menopause you won't want sex at all. I think some women do but given the way you are now, it's unlikely. I'd get out now while you have some libido and find someone who isn't as bothered. Otherwise you'll find yourself in a situation where you're single in your fifties with no urge to find someone else. Some women are happy with this; some of us not so much!

He has already ignored you telling him to stop once. He had no respect for you saying you dont want sex in those two weeks. He is absolutely vile.

I said I didn’t want sex now ... He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway entitled and rapey.

Also this. This in bucketloads. Think of the message you're sending your daughter.