Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

So you yourself experience changes to your libido linked to your cycle, but because OP reports different changes, that means she doesn't know her body, someone else (who?) must have told her how to feel, and her rapist husband is right?

What a load of victim-blaming, misogynistic nonsense. She is an adult woman and she knows what symptoms she is experiencing and what her libido feels like. She's also managed during decades of menstrual cycles to make the link between how she feels and the point in her cycle. I'm not sure how you aren't already aware of this, but women don't all share identical menstrual cycles and symptoms. It's very possible that you experience one thing, and OP experiences something very different.

I have never had sex with a man when I don't want to. No matter how much they pester me I will never be pressurised to do something I don't want to. If they want to get me in the mood then the cooker is that way and the washing machine is the other way. Id feel like it more often if they pulled their weight and didn't treat me like the help.

I think he's ticking a lot of boxes for narcissism here tbh OP. This man is completely lacking in empathy - like he has none. It also seems that he has little remorse and doesn't take responsibility for anything. If he told you he didn't want sex during sex could you ever imagine 'not hearing' him - no it just wouldn't happen. But he sees you as one of his belongings - he is free to do with you as he likes and he can't understand why you wouldn't be happy with that - because he considers himself amazing and can't understand that the whole world doesn't revolve around him. He is totally self absorbed.

He can't understand why you wouldn't want to constantly have sex with such a wonderful specimen as he is. His ego needs you to constantly feed it by always wanting to have sex with him. If he's not getting that fix then his true colours start coming out - passive aggressive sulking, anger - and the implication that there must be something wrong with you, even if he doesn't actually say the words. He believes he controls the people around him, they are there to do his bidding. He believes he is in control of their emotions and that is why he can't understand what you said to your daughter.

He has no actual concept of love. Without empathy what is love? Love to him means you should be giving him what he needs. It is transactional. He fulfills his part by buying flowers and you should be playing your part - on your back. There's no partnership, no genuine caring. He's not buying you flowers because he loves and appreciates you and wants to show you that. He's buying then because he expects something in return.

I think he genuinely doesn't understand OP - because he's a narcissist.

This is an important argument for him to win, because it will then follow that whenever he feels upset or angry, it's because someone (probably you, maybe your DD) "made him" upset and angry. Your perfectly normal bodily rhythms are already "making him" feel so rejected and unloved as to justify anger, manipulation and rape.

It's equally important that you don't let him gaslight you into wondering if he might have a point - important for you and for your daughter. You were spot on with what you said to her, whereas he was laying the ground for her to become a woman who takes on the blame for anything anyone else feels like laying on her, just as he has already done with you. I hope you can see what a slippery slope this is.

It's sad that you don't see how toxic he is, not just to you but as a male role model to your daughter

OP, your leniency towards his behaviour is very upsetting. You’ve made a very clear first step here in reaching out to other women in concern. And you’re not wrong to. Please take to heart what every single woman is telling you here (now 14 pages of it) – that your husband is showing some abusive and coercive tactics. It’s not normal, it’s not OK, and it has no place whatsoever in a decent, loving relationship.

It was all pretty bad to start with and then then story of him not stopping when you said no during sex made my blood run cold. He heard you – he chose not to stop. You are lying to yourself here and I hope you begin to see the truth soon.

OP, I can't stress enough how it is not normal for someone that loves you to shout at you for not having sex with them. You never, ever owe your partner sex. Ever.

You are way too forgiving of things that from what you've said basically amounts to rape. I'm sorry there's no nicer way of saying that but it's really worrying and I want you to know it's not normal.

That's a form of sexual coercion though.

Do you understand male biology?

?
They have a dick. But they don't have to be a dickhead.

For fucks sake, what the hell is the matter with you?! You don't reward an abusive rapist with a handjob!

Can you just do other sexual things that don't mean him inside you?
He obviously feels rejected at these times.
It's not very understanding of him.

She doesn’t want any sex at all during those times. Wanking him off is not the answer.

No sooner have i posted my last message and you post practically the same thing!

No! Absolutely not! She shouldn't be looking to placate her abusive vile rapist of a husband by pleasuring him with a blowjob or a handjob whenever he is "kind" to her. What are you thinking?!?

So the best way to avoid being raped or coercively abused is a blow job or wank is it?

FFS

OP, your leniency towards his behaviour is very upsetting.

I agree, it is.... but what is even more
upsetting is the appalling advice to be a handmaiden by a few posters such as @Flyhigher

Thankfully they are very much in the minority!

I can’t believe it’s 2024 and we still have fucking handmaidens feeling sorry for the poor ickke menz not having total control over their wives bodies and being ‘rewarded’ with sex on demand.
Those poor abusers just need a wank or blow job now and again and they’ll turn into perfect husbands. Just do your wifely duty women and STFU

Your husband sounds like a disgusting, vile, abusive arsehole and the fact that you can't see his coercive behaviour as a problem is really sad. Would I fuck even be entertaining this kind of conversation with him. Sex is not a right he has because he's married to you. He's a prick

And @Flyhigher and @coldcallerbaiter you both need to take a long look at yourselves. Placate the rapist so he doesn't sulk??? Are you fucking joking???

Coercion (ie him sulking) is forcing you into sex. It is abuse.

I disagree, I think he is vile. He's expecting you to have sex with him when he wants you to, or when he does something 'nice' (urghhh shudder) for you - even if you don't want to.

I'm the same as you, I only want sex at certain times in the month. My dh would be horrified if he thought I'd had sex with him when I didn't want to or did it just for him.

I fear they're actually in abusive relationships themselves like the OP, but are so deep in, they just can't see it.

The only other plausible explanation is that they are men much like the OP's vile DH.

This might sound totally off kilter here, but OP, are you French and your husband English?

Just the way you write suggests french origin to me, I wondered if there was a certain element of cultural miscommunication at play.

He feels that he can’t “make” me anything - eg he can’t make me happy (if I’m in a good mood, then I’m chirpy; if I’m feeling stressed/tired/in pain, then I’m fed up - and nothing he can do will change my mood). He said that makes him feel as though he has no real influence in my life.

I think it's highly unlikely that he cares how you really feel. He is just interested in you not communicating that to him.

He shouldn't expect to be able to change your emotional state at will. That's not the role of a life partner. His role is to be supportive when you're having a tough day. That's about making you feel cared about; not making you better so you will give him what he wants.

However, I don't think he wants to change your emotional state; he wants you to hide your true emotional state from him like a 1950s wife.

He's trying, possibly unconsiously, to make sure that you take responsibility for his bad behaviour and for hiding your own thoughts, wishes and feelings for his benefit. There are women in abusive relationships across the globe doing this. Please don't be another one.

Please stop taking responsibility for communicating what you think he doesn't understand and please, please, don't try to create an illusion of him succeeding in cheering you up by hiding your true feelings around him.

You're being quite careful not to answer questions about other ways in which he is abusive. I'd like to be wrong here but I'd hazard a guess that, if you're unwell, he will get you the paracetamol and then expect you to be up and about, facilitating life for him and the DC as normal. He might say all the right things but he probably gets irrritated it you're incapacitated and uses contrived incompetence to force you back into your usual role.

What great advice.

Women, if your husband is sexually coercing you and has actually raped you at least once, just try wanking him off or giving him a blow job instead!

Fucking hell.