Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

[EllenPooleSearch]

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

You are persistently hard of understanding aren’t you? I said absolutely nothing like what you are are pretending I said. There’s a door for you too. Off you jolly well pop and don’t let it slam on your derrière 😂

He’s seems to have a very emotionally immature attitude. I take it he doesn’t take much responsibility for his own emotions - he thinks other people ‘make’ him feel x or y.

I find it very strange that he claims to be upset about your natural hormonal cycle saying it your desire for sex is having nothing to do with being attracted to him. I don’t buy it honestly.

You are saying that you can’t get him to understand what you’re saying or the concepts you’re describing to him - but I think this is where he’s got you tied up in knots. Unless he’s got some difficulty in understanding generally these are not hard things to get. It isn’t that he doesn’t get it - it’s that he does not accept it.

He has decided on how he believes things should be and has zero interest in changing that. There is no way to explain to him so he ‘gets it’. He already does.

It’s just one more way to bully and coerce his way into the sex he wants, on his terms. It keeps you going over the same ground having the same discussion over and over again, wearing at you until you give in. That’s not an attempt at mature communication, that’s coercion.

It’s also really sad he sees being ‘nice’ as just ways to get the result he wants. I’d be utterly turned off by anyone who acted that way to me. Relationships are meant to be reciprocal, yes but that is different to his weird transactional approach.

Of course you don't.

Your husband doesn't sound like he considers you a full human being with feelings and an inner emotional and psychological life.

How awful that so many women live with men like this and it's considered normal.

I'm sorry OP.

What, all of us? Of course we understand, for a start we have hormones too, including oxytocin & vasopressin (2 hormones linked to empathy)

It's true that there are societal factors that influence men's lower empathy scores on testing, but, it's on a scale.

EllenPooleSearch · Today 13:31

He’s not vile - he just can’t seem to understand my perspective on this at all. I think perhaps he doesn’t understand female biology.

He doesn't need to understand female biology!!

He just needs to know that it's vile of him to insist you have painful sex just so that he can get his end away!

Does he enjoy seeing you in pain? I don't know why you ever want sex with someone who shouts at you for not having sex that only he wants!

If you come to mumsnet over relationship issues the answer you're always going to get is: "oh my goodness he's abusing you, leave him!"

As a wife I understand you perfectly. Men don't have monthly cycles and their libido is constant, and I understand why that can make your husband feel frustrated, specially if this is something new as you've been in birth control before. Sit down with him and try to understand his perspective and explain to him how you feel.

This is what I do, I'm not saying you have to do it, I'm just explaining what works for me. I don't mind being intimate with my husband when I'm not feeling like it, I do it regardless because I love him, I understand intimacy makes him feel close and appreciated and I want to be nice to him. It isn't that he forces me, on the contrary if he notices me distracted or not in the mood he asks me to stop.

Just read your update @EllenPooleSearch .

He wants it to be him that makes you happy. It actually means he wants your happiness to depend on him. It is a very unhealthy way to think.
He wants to MAKE you happy, and when the things he does - that he has decided should make you happy because he thinks so - does not instantly produce delirious euphoria in you, something’s wrong with you.

He only wants to have sex with you when you want to have sex, of course, but you SHOULD want to have sex when he wants to have sex AND you should enjoy it. It should make you happy!
Can you see how messed up that is?

I couldn’t, not for many years. It was awful.

What you write is very recognizable for many on here. Listen to them.

Yeah except OP asked her husband to stop having sex with her and he continued.

Your last sentence is the difference. OPs DH didn't even stop when she asked him to cos she was in pain. He doesn't notice when she's not into it or unhappy with it or in pain or any of that. It's all about him wanting her to want sex when he wants to or else he's angry.

It would be helpful if he understood or believed you , but it’s not your responsibility to get him there. It’s your body . If he starts talking about “ your wifely duties “or calls you frigid or other names, or sulks or gets angry again please imagine a life free of this. We all want our own way . Controlling people think it’s ok to try and make others do something they don’t want to do. Sending you a hug and respect. Xx

Stop making excuses for him. You know the truth is that he is abusive. But you make your choices. I feel for your children growing up in a home where their father shouts at their mother because she doesn't thank him by having sex with him. What the hell are you teaching your children? Don't kid yourself that the children don't hear.

Not that long ago she was on birth control and she wasn't feeling menstrual symptoms so I guess they were intimate quite often, and this has drastically changed since. People on mumsnet are too quick to urge women to leave their husbands at the drop of a hat,what she needs to do is talk to him and reassure him that she loves him even if she doesn't feel like it.

@EllenPooleSearch

He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation.

He’s not vile - he just can’t seem to understand my perspective on this at all. I think perhaps he doesn’t understand female biology.

He isn’t abusive over this. I’m not afraid of being forced into sex! I’m just afraid of the sulking.

Read the underline passages. If you don't want to classify his statements as abusive, that's up to you. I classify ANY anger and shouting or sulking, especially over the issue of sex as abusive because it represents coercion, but that's just me. But those statements certainly are vile, as well as demeaning.

(So I have no idea what a normal relationship looks like!)

My parents had a wonderful 52 year marriage full of love and respect for each other. So let me tell you what my late mother told me about sex. My mum was born in 1922, married in 1947 so she wasn't part of the 'sexual revolution'. She was born in the generation where sex, although enjoyable, was considered a 'marital duty'. But she taught me that sex is "the joyous coming together of husband and wife as a way of mutually showing their love for each other". I've bolded the 'joyous' and 'mutual', Mum's point being was that sex was to be a wonderful thing for both parties, that it wasn't something that one party demanded and the other party did to satisfy them. Sex was not a 'duty' nor was it something to be expected whenever or wherever one party wanted it.

Would you feel the same about your husband if you asked him to stop and he ignored you and continued even though you didn't want to? Because that's why people are telling her to leave. He gets angry. He wants her to want sex whenever he does. He wants to be the reason she's happy, because of things he deems should make her happy. And he raped her by refusing to stop when she asked and claiming he "didn't hear her".

Completely different situation to the frequency changing from what he's used to.

I'm so sorry but your husband is abusive and a rapist. You need to get away from him ASAP!

@0MammaBear0

People on mumsnet are too quick to urge women to leave their husbands at the drop of a hat

He shouted at her for not wanting to have sex, has been 'very angry indeed' with her multiple times for her not wanting to have sex, raped her once and then said she should be grateful he usually listens when she says no.

Mate, people aren't advising her to leave him 'at the drop of a hat', they're advising her to leave him because he's abusing her emotionally and sexually.

Your bar for a safe partner should be much higher.

This, OP

It's a much overused word but he sounds quite narcissistic. Can't understand why he can't make you feel whatever he wants (honestly, this is the creepiest bit to me). It's like he doesn't understand you're a real human person with her own thoughts, drives and feelings.

He has huge influence over your life. The rape and manipulative tactics he's used have put you off sex with him. Him shouting at you terrifies you. You're afraid to start sex with him because you know he won't stop.

And I don't for a MINUTE believe "he didn't hear you say no" and was "too caught up in his own pleasure". I mean, for a start he must be a shit lay if he's just banging away without paying attention to you.

Whenever i've stopped feeling it for whatever reason my sexual partner at the time has stopped and said "is everything ok?". This is normal. And they've never minded stopping.

I’m the same OP. This is how women are naturally, but so many are on the pill or coil etc that men have got used to sex whenever.

Your problem though is your relationship. If he’s shouting at you about your libido and you’re gritting your teeth and having unwanted sex then something is very very wrong.

Influence is such a key word - the power to change or affect. He doesn’t see you as a partner does he someone who he supports and helps and he doesn’t want simple appreciation he wants the power to change how you feel and that you have sex with me simply for small gestures.

this is not how a normal relationship works. What you said to your daughter was correct

I know people are focusing on the sex side (rightly so! He's horrific) but I want to address your wider query.

Everyone is different. Everyone's needs are different and how those needs are met differs. It sounds like you are someone who doesn't need emotional support or attention from a partner. I dont know if you just have a strong sense of self-worth or if it's just not something you've ever valued for yourself. It is perfectly normal either way.

However, a lot of people do need to feel appreciated and desired by their partner to feel bonded with them. That is also normal. It only becomes an issue in a relationship when both parties can't understand and respect this difference. I think this is where your relationship is at. You don't have those needs, so by default they are not going unfulfilled. For him they are unfulfilled (the need to feel appreciated, needed, wanted, desired etc). I would suggest couple's therapy, but I'm not sure that's a smart idea when his reaction is to turn nasty when he doesn't get his needs met.

You also need to be mindful that your daughter might not be like you. She might be someone who does need praise and encouragement, so you do need to accommodate that if you want her to grow up feeling confident and valued. There is no right or wrong way to be.

This is one of the most sensible things I've read on mumsnet.

You're not weird OP. You just think and feel differently to your husband and that's ok because most of us do. What's not OK is his refusal to attempt to understand you and to want to be the person making you feel things.

This is sickening to read, truly.

Maybe that's because the women on mumsnet don't feel that it is okay when a man rapes his wife? You obviously do. You've advised a woman to sit down for a chat with a man who raped her, wants ro control her body and even says he is angry that he can't control her libido. Her sees her as a thing not a person. He is, quite literally a control freak. And no, not all men want to have sex all the time. Thats nonsense! Men can be tired and grouchy and grumpy or have a low libido too.

Women's bodies aren't toys for the pleasure and use of men. No matter what his sexual desires are, no matter what her birth control situation is, no matter what. You really should raise your bar and stop chucking other women under the bus by trying to convince them that this isn't abuse.

Please be careful OP. Vile is far too nice a description for this man. He's raped you before, is repeatedly coercive, leaves you fearful of his angry moods if you don't let him fuck you. He's a fucking cunt of a human, he really is.
I know you don't want to hear it, I know you don't believe it, but that is the reality of the situation. This is not a man who loves you or cares about you.