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Original poster

Husband angry I only want sex during weeks 2 & 3 of my cycle

398 replies

EllenPooleSearch · 21/01/2024 13:29

Since coming off hormonal birth control and especially since having my children, my menstrual cycle has played a huge role in my libido. Basically, I only feel like sex during weeks 2 and 3 of my cycle. I have a very healthy sex drive during that time! The other two weeks I’m either cramping painfully and bleeding, or my breasts hurt, I have PMT and I don’t want to be touched.

I thought this was pretty normal among lots of women. I’ve read lots of information about how the time around ovulation is the time when women are most responsive sexually. I guess it makes sense evolutionarily to me! But my husband is very unhappy about this and doesn’t think it’s normal.

I said I didn’t want sex now as it’s not the right time of the month for me. He got angry and shouted that I should have it anyway as I shouldn’t be led by my cycle. He says I should have sex with him when we are close, or when he has done something nice for me. He says that the way my sex drive works in time with my cycle makes him feel it’s nothing to do with his behaviour, and he feels I will just have sex with any man who is near me during that time, because it’s around ovulation. I should add that I was very upset and hurt by this accusation.

I don’t know - should I force myself to have sex at other times, when I don’t feel like it? I have done this before, but honestly it feels like I’m being violated and my body is screaming “no”.

I thought I was normal. I remember learning in school that women’s sex drive fluctuates with their hormones, unlike men who have a stable amount of testosterone all month. But I feel my husband sees sex as a reward he should get for being kind, and is angry when he doesn’t get it. I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.

Thanks so much for any advice.

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 21/01/2024 17:45

whatsitcalledwhen · 21/01/2024 17:22

It's genuinely upsetting to read women in 2024 suggesting that if your husband shouts at you for not wanting to have sex, you should give him a blow job or wank him off to appease him.

Jesus fucking Christ.

(And that's without mentioning the fact he's raped her previously.)

I thought that too - so depressing, this isn't the 1950s ffs 😥

Daleksatemyshed · 21/01/2024 17:45

I don't understand his problem here Op, he thinks if he's nice or gives you flowers you'll be happy- that's not unreasonable- but he doesn't seem to know that's not always enough? If someone's unwell, stressed or hormonal, flowers are lovely but it doesn't address the problem, you'll feel more cared for when you get them but it doesn't make you well, calm or unstressed. There's a weird undertow here, the little woman's not happy so you give her a present and everything's great, but that's how you cheer up a DC, they forget their sore knee when they get a new toy. DC gets a toy and they give you a kiss, you get a bit of consideration so he gets a shag?

bonzaitree · 21/01/2024 17:47

He’s raped you and now (very understandably) you don’t want to have sex.

He has tried to convince you this is a YOU problem. What a joke. HE is the problem!

Healingfrommothernarc · 21/01/2024 17:48

EllenPooleSearch · 21/01/2024 13:32

He isn’t abusive over this. I’m not afraid of being forced into sex! I’m just afraid of the sulking.

Sulking to manipulate you into sex IS abusive. Open your eyes for your own sake,and for sake of other women, no one should be told to have sex when.

bonzaitree · 21/01/2024 17:49

I think you need to leave OP. This can’t be fixed.

murasaki · 21/01/2024 17:49

He is completely unreasonable.

Today, DP has gone to the shop, put some cardboard in the bin, put the hoover on, does he deserve sex? No.

I've done the laundry, cleaned the cat tray and am cooking dinner. Do I ? No.

Unless we both want it.

BirthdayRainbow · 21/01/2024 17:52

I'm reading from the start and @EllenPooleSearch I really feel for you. I know what it is to have someone tell you you've been raped when you don't feel you were or can't accept it. This must be so hard for you to get your head around.

If you want to stay with him then you must make him understand where you are coming from and put him on notice. Or carry on. Or leave. You have to make a change as he won't.

MindHowYouGoes · 21/01/2024 17:52

What does he do round the house op? On those days where the house is a mess and you’re drowning under your responsibilities? Because if my DH comes home from work and the kitchen is a mess because I’ve had a rough day, he cracks on and cleans it, because he lives here too not because I’ll give him a gold star or sex for doing it.

does he pull his weight or ever do a chore without expecting something in return?

Treeinthesky · 21/01/2024 17:52

It's your choice what you so. Takes 2 to tango. If this is how you feel then you are in the right to not have sex. However he may be unhappy and ultimately you may break up or he seeks it else where. But this will show you who he truly is. Don't be forced into something you don't want to do. Plus it isn't all about pnv do other stuff?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/01/2024 17:53

murasaki · 21/01/2024 17:49

He is completely unreasonable.

Today, DP has gone to the shop, put some cardboard in the bin, put the hoover on, does he deserve sex? No.

I've done the laundry, cleaned the cat tray and am cooking dinner. Do I ? No.

Unless we both want it.

Mine has stripped a wall, painted it AND cleared up after himself. And he made lunch. And looked after DD.

I wanted to jump him while he was doing the wall (he's sexy when he's doing DIY stuff) BUT he doesn't DESERVE it.

MasterBeth · 21/01/2024 17:54

Men are socialised to "solve" things. He thinks, by getting you a cup of tea, he can solve you.

I don't think men do automatically understand how powerful your hormones are. They are often not socialised to empathise, either (as in, to consider that other people may not feel things in the way they do.)

So, I would cut him some slack in terms of his instantly understanding of what you mean when you say what you say. I wouldn't cut him any slack if he doesn't try and understand ( through proper open conversation, counselling, couples therapy etc.)

Of course, none of this is any excuse for him forcing you to have sex with him, or sulking or manipulating. That's gross.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/01/2024 17:56

MasterBeth · 21/01/2024 17:54

Men are socialised to "solve" things. He thinks, by getting you a cup of tea, he can solve you.

I don't think men do automatically understand how powerful your hormones are. They are often not socialised to empathise, either (as in, to consider that other people may not feel things in the way they do.)

So, I would cut him some slack in terms of his instantly understanding of what you mean when you say what you say. I wouldn't cut him any slack if he doesn't try and understand ( through proper open conversation, counselling, couples therapy etc.)

Of course, none of this is any excuse for him forcing you to have sex with him, or sulking or manipulating. That's gross.

Edited

And yet men are allowed to be doctors and treat women. They're perfectly capable of understanding how our bodies work if they want to. They do not need to be cut any slack for refusing to understand what they're being told.

pickledandpuzzled · 21/01/2024 17:56

EllenPooleSearch · 21/01/2024 17:26

Thank you all for the messages. I have talked to him properly this afternoon while the children were out of earshot.

He said it is not frequency that is the problem, and he absolutely does not want me to have any sex I don’t want. He understands why I feel shaken by the way he has behaved sometimes in the past and says he feels very bad about that. He says he just feels very unattractive, that I am not attracted to him, and that me explaining the times I feel like sex as being connected to my menstrual cycle makes him feel worse, as again that’s not about him but about me.

In fact he stressed A LOT that it is about more than just sex. He feels that he can’t “make” me anything - eg he can’t make me happy (if I’m in a good mood, then I’m chirpy; if I’m feeling stressed/tired/in pain, then I’m fed up - and nothing he can do will change my mood). He said that makes him feel as though he has no real influence in my life.

I understand what he means but I’m even more baffled really. Aren’t most people like that? If I’m feeling good - work going well, having fun, kids behaving, no pain, looking and feeling more sparkly (and yes, that’s usually week 2 of cycle!!) - then yes I am chirpy and fun to be with, and unless he’s a complete pain in the neck then that won’t change.

And if I have PMT or am in pain (I actually have a chronic pain condition that’s not period-related), house is a mess, kids squabbling, work stress, my mother is ill and needs care …..well then I’m going to be grumpy and no glass of wine or offer of tea or flowers is going to solve it. Are other people not like this? If you’ve had a terrible day at work and your partner brings you a cup of tea, do you bounce out of it? I don’t seem to be able to. But he seems to take that personally as though he’s not an important person in my life somehow.

He can make you feel bloody miserable though!

Honestly the man’s ego knows no ends.

He will try and control your DD too. He’ll know what’s worth being upset about and what she should shrug off because it doesn’t matter.

He wants you to perform happy wife for him- to show you appreciate him by laughing at his jokes.

whatsitcalledwhen · 21/01/2024 17:57

@MasterBeth

Men are socialised to "solve" things. He thinks, by getting you a cup of tea, he can solve you.

No, he thinks by getting her a cup of tea, he can shag her.

He isn't trying to 'solve' her. He's trying to make her have sex with him on demand.

If he thinks tea = sex and has to be taught to empathise with the woman he shares a life and children with, or respect her saying no, he's not a safe partner anyway.

ArnieLinson · 21/01/2024 17:57

MasterBeth · 21/01/2024 17:54

Men are socialised to "solve" things. He thinks, by getting you a cup of tea, he can solve you.

I don't think men do automatically understand how powerful your hormones are. They are often not socialised to empathise, either (as in, to consider that other people may not feel things in the way they do.)

So, I would cut him some slack in terms of his instantly understanding of what you mean when you say what you say. I wouldn't cut him any slack if he doesn't try and understand ( through proper open conversation, counselling, couples therapy etc.)

Of course, none of this is any excuse for him forcing you to have sex with him, or sulking or manipulating. That's gross.

Edited

You dont get to solve someone saying no to sex.

WonderLife · 21/01/2024 17:58

He said that makes him feel as though he has no real influence in my life
At least one good thing is that he is being very clear and honest with you that he feels he should have power and control over how you feel and behave.

He's angry that you won't behave as he wants you to.

He's angry that you aren't receptive to sex when he decides.

He's angry that you won't change your mood to suit him.

I think most abusive, controlling people are a bit more subtle about it, but he really believes his behaviour is fine.

SwordToFlamethrower · 21/01/2024 17:59

EllenPooleSearch · 21/01/2024 17:30

He even complained he’d overheard my telling our daughter that she couldn’t “make” someone happy (she was carefully making something for her sibling who was sad, and she said she wanted to do the best job possible to make the sibling feel happy). I said “it’s lovely you’re making that and I’m sure they’ll love it, but happiness has to come from inside - you can’t actually MAKE someone be happy”.

Really I didn’t want our daughter to be disappointed if her sibling remained sad despite the gift. But he thought this a crazy thing to say and was indicative of my unnatural attitude! I sometimes really don’t know if it’s me or not.

This thread has really got to me quite honestly.

Let me tell you a story that happened yesterday.

After a very brief pregnancy, I started to miscarry and for the last 3 days, I've been bleeding A LOT. Like filling mooncups and overflowing and leaking.

I feel angry and frustrated and sad and all that.

I have not been sunshine and sparkles to be around.

DH said to me yesterday "would you like to talk about how you feel? Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I'm having a miscarriage and I am grieving and angry. I don't want that to be fixed or changed, I want the freedom and space to feel how I feel, fully in my own home. I want to feel safe enough around you to not have to paint a smile on my face, ok?"

And he said "yes of course, I understand."

End of story!

Why do we need to be fixed? We just need space and love to feel how we feel.

Your husband is immature and driven by his ego and need for validation. He is using you for his own gratification both sexually and emotionally.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

You are not his emotional support human and you are not his sex toy.

The sooner you realise that for yourself, the better. You're a great mum teaching your kids that lesson! 👏

It isn't a partnership if he takes but has nothing to give. He just sounds like a whining man baby and you're defending him.

If you can understand, why can't a grown ass man? Stop carrying him!

whatsitcalledwhen · 21/01/2024 18:01

I'm so sorry
@SwordToFlamethrower Flowers

MasterBeth · 21/01/2024 18:01

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/01/2024 17:56

And yet men are allowed to be doctors and treat women. They're perfectly capable of understanding how our bodies work if they want to. They do not need to be cut any slack for refusing to understand what they're being told.

Show quote history

That was exactly my point. Perhaps I phrased it badly.

I am saying he may not empathically, automatically understand what the OP is saying because it his not his experience of how sex drives work.

So, yes, he needs to make the effort to listen and learn.

SwordToFlamethrower · 21/01/2024 18:01

InShockHusbandLeaving · 21/01/2024 15:11

Don’t be an idiot! You know full well that’s not what I meant. Are you always this touchy? Seek help if you are because you must be miserable.

Show quote history

Not an idiot, yes I'm touchy. Im sick to death of SEN being used to justify rapist and abusive behaviour. What the fucking hell.

The door is this way ---> off you pop

BatteryPowerGnat · 21/01/2024 18:03

EllenPooleSearch · 21/01/2024 13:31

He’s not vile - he just can’t seem to understand my perspective on this at all. I think perhaps he doesn’t understand female biology.

Neither do a huge proportion of the male population.

Muffin777 · 21/01/2024 18:04

SwordToFlamethrower · 21/01/2024 17:59

This thread has really got to me quite honestly.

Let me tell you a story that happened yesterday.

After a very brief pregnancy, I started to miscarry and for the last 3 days, I've been bleeding A LOT. Like filling mooncups and overflowing and leaking.

I feel angry and frustrated and sad and all that.

I have not been sunshine and sparkles to be around.

DH said to me yesterday "would you like to talk about how you feel? Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I'm having a miscarriage and I am grieving and angry. I don't want that to be fixed or changed, I want the freedom and space to feel how I feel, fully in my own home. I want to feel safe enough around you to not have to paint a smile on my face, ok?"

And he said "yes of course, I understand."

End of story!

Why do we need to be fixed? We just need space and love to feel how we feel.

Your husband is immature and driven by his ego and need for validation. He is using you for his own gratification both sexually and emotionally.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

You are not his emotional support human and you are not his sex toy.

The sooner you realise that for yourself, the better. You're a great mum teaching your kids that lesson! 👏

It isn't a partnership if he takes but has nothing to give. He just sounds like a whining man baby and you're defending him.

If you can understand, why can't a grown ass man? Stop carrying him!

Show quote history

Sorry for your loss… What your DH said was perfectly reasonable though IMO.
I mean, what else was he supposed to say? He wasn’t expecting you to suddenly be fine he was just trying to express a desire to support you.

He might be grieving also.

MasterBeth · 21/01/2024 18:04

whatsitcalledwhen · 21/01/2024 17:57

@MasterBeth

Men are socialised to "solve" things. He thinks, by getting you a cup of tea, he can solve you.

No, he thinks by getting her a cup of tea, he can shag her.

He isn't trying to 'solve' her. He's trying to make her have sex with him on demand.

If he thinks tea = sex and has to be taught to empathise with the woman he shares a life and children with, or respect her saying no, he's not a safe partner anyway.

Yes, I'm saying that he thinks that a cup of tea will "solve" her "problem" of "not wanting sex" because someone has probably told him in the past that women need to feel wanted or something.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 21/01/2024 18:05

MasterBeth · 21/01/2024 18:01

That was exactly my point. Perhaps I phrased it badly.

I am saying he may not empathically, automatically understand what the OP is saying because it his not his experience of how sex drives work.

So, yes, he needs to make the effort to listen and learn.

Show quote history

He has been told. He's decided that means that she doesn't want sex with him, just with anyone available at that time of the month.

You can't cut him slack for that. That's deliberately misunderstanding to make her feel bad about not wanting sex (with anyone) at other times because clearly, she's not attracted to him it's only hormonal that she has sex with him when she does.

He's made no effort to understand her and he's used it against her to try and get his own way. He doesn't deserve to be cut slack.

Mostlyoblivious · 21/01/2024 18:05

EllenPooleSearch · 21/01/2024 13:31

He’s not vile - he just can’t seem to understand my perspective on this at all. I think perhaps he doesn’t understand female biology.

Just going to refresh you with your opening post:

”I should also say that he has been known to get very angry indeed when he has thought we were going to have sex, and then in the end didn’t. I am quite afraid of that happening again.”

You are asking if you should be forced to have sex.

That IS vile behaviour.

Irrespective of his inability to grasp female biological processes, he surely can’t plead the same ignorance to respect, love, safety and consent.

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