My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

A funeral can be anything. I think a lot of people who "don't want a funeral" imagine it has to be an impersonal religious service but it can be led by anybody (or nobody). Humanist celebrants, for example, are experienced at leading a funeral but there are no rules about what you have to do. Obviously there are costs for a cremation or burial but that can be entirely separate to a celebration of your life

My parents [ mid 80,s ] have arranged direct cremation when the time comes.
As a family we all agreed if that is what they want, we will respect their wishes.

My family is well scattered throughout the UK and abroad, so it would be very difficult getting everyone together for one day for a funeral, so this is what my parents decided. We will then work out a time when everyone can get together to hold a small memorial.

I will also arrange the same for me.

My dad didn't want a funeral either, we did a direct cremation and it was perfect. Still respectful, they let us know the date and we could even pick the time of day (he loved mornings so we asked for a morning), he was transported to the crematorium respectfully & the funeral directors staff did a small ceremonial piece. We were then informed when the ashes were ready for collection, and we had some friends and family around for a celebration of him and to share memories etc a few weeks later. It wasn't the cold, heartless affair I semi feared.

My mum didn't want a funeral, she just wanted taking to the crem with no fuss and her ashes leaving there.
My brother and I felt that a funeral is for the benefit of those left behind and that we wanted to mark her passing.
We arranged a short service at the crem which was very well attended showing that many people needed to say their goodbyes.
The compromise to mum's wishes was that we left her ashes at the crem to go on the garden of remembrance.
I think that although her intention was to make things easier for us it was selfish of her to take away the opportunity for us to get together with friends and family to grieve.

My mums already paid for her private cremation

We just pick the ashes up

This - my DH & I will both pay in advance for direct cremation and if my DC want to hold a party there will be the cash for it

My late father had a DC which raised a few eyebrows amongst relatives
it took away the hiatus between his death and cremation as we were not trying to find a slot with funeral directors etc
we had a celebration of his life a few weeks later
if you can’t have your wishes respected on That day then not sure when you can
not sure direct cremation is as good for funeral directors business

My SIL has recently lost a parent who had said no funeral. The other parent has dementia and not really aware.

She has found it awful, and feel that it has rather added to her grief. She would have liked the opportunity to do that for her parent and has now been left at a loose end. For all the good intentions (as expressed here) it’s just made it worse.

I'm not fussed on a funeral. I'd prefer a gathering at a pub or something. I love a buffet, so I'd like a nice spread put on for people .
I point blank refuse to pay for a stone though! Or any sort of memorial in a cemetery or graveyard. If anything, a rose tree in someone's garden will do.
Most of the most recent funerals I've been to have been cremations but my father in law was buried and has a head stone. I'm still not over the cost of it. It bought my mother in law a lot of comfort to have a place to go so, to her, it was worth every penny, but I would never want that spent on me!

My friends mum requested this and all her friends were angry at my friend for not having a funeral. To me a funeral is to say goodbye and have closure, it's for the family and friends and not the dead person. In saying that, there's no reason you can't do it your way cheaply or even free

It’s definitely becoming more common. Three parents of my friends / colleagues have had a direct cremation. I know one of those friends struggled without a service. The other is having a gathering a month later to celebrate her life. I personally got a lot out of organising my dads funeral and doing the eulogy. I’d have struggled more without a funeral. Funerals are for the living and I think people need to consider that when thinking about their wishes. But it’s the person’s choice and relatives should respect that

your life sentence says it all though, it’s for the living. My mum hasn’t scattered my dads ashes and I’d personally like a place to go to remember him. Everyone is different but sometimes a grave is part of the grieving process.

Although my mum had a direct funeral I paid for those who wanted to have jewellery made with some of her ashes so she is with us all.

For some yes, for others they feel beholden to visit a place they don't associate with their lost loved one out of guilt and they don't want that for others, which is fine.

Well I haven’t got them booked yet.🤣 Given my age I’m probably 35 years out so even if I booked them now they’d probably be dead by the time I died. I’m half kidding about the horses but I have to say when I saw them ( was in a taxi and the police outriders stopped us at a junction so the hearse could go through right in front) it looked absolutely spectacular. I did say to DH I would like that and I do know where to get such a thing. Also made me chuckle that MM went rather “establishment” at the end.

Realistically though, if I die really old there’s not much point in a really big funeral because not that many people to come. Your world gets smaller as you age particularly if you spend the last years in poor health as so many do now.

I also think what you get often depends on whether your death was expected or sudden. I’ve been to some meticulously planned, celebration of life type funerals but sadly they’ve tended to be for relatively young people who had terminal illnesses so they had time to express their wishes and plan it themselves.

I know my mum has written us detailed instructions on music, hymns and readings. My dad doesn’t really care.

One uncle and my aunt's husband requested no funerals. There was a memorial service for my uncle about six months later, invitation only. Nothing at all for my aunt's husband. Both men had been very specific in their wishes which were rightly respected.
However I'm sorry that there weren't funerals, I think that they're part of processing grief for those still here. Things feel unfinished.

I don't know if it's becoming more common and of the people I know that have passed away in the last few years, most had funerals.
My mum had a direct cremation last year, it's what she wanted and we kids all decided that we were also happy with this. We had a celebration of life at a local hotel which was lovely. On the day of the cremation, me and siblings got together and had a walk and tea and cake in the same local hotel.

For an aunt (DH family), she lived her whole life in the same village and was a massive part of the community and church, a church funeral was best. The vicar knew her well and the speech and sermon were very much personalised to her so very meaningful. There were masses of people there and the wake after was a real celebration of her life. She was very elderly so it was very sad but her death was also not unexpected so lots of lovely and funny stories about her from the attendees.

Forgot to say, immediate family will get together later this year to scatter mums ashes. We will go to mums chosen location for a weekend and spend time together, she would have loved that.

My mum died suddenly a few years back but I'm thankful we'd always had open chats about death and dying. When the time came, as shocking as it was, we still had a pretty good idea of what she wanted. She didn't want a fuss or in her words 'everyone sitting about wailing into their tea'. She also didn't want a specific grave as she felt that would tie our family to a certain area (to look after it) etc.

So we basically bought the most basic funeral package available and in the morning had a very small crem service and only invited people who could say they genuinely loved her. There were about 30 of us and it was short, quiet and respectful. The package included two hearses and pallbearers but remembering her desire to not have everyone 'wailing' we made our own way to the crem and asked that the coffin was there waiting for us, rather than being carried in...or 'paraded in' (as my mum would have said.

Afterwards, we had a 'life celebration' at her church which we organised ourselves. This was open for everyone, no coffin present and we asked people to avoid wearing black. We had an open mic so people could share their stories of mum, had food etc. We even had a collection for her favourite charity and raised £1000. It was genuinely a very painful but fabulous day.

We are fortunate because we have several ministers and event organisers in the family so we were able to do it our way but I don't think you do have to have a conventional funeral at all. For lots of people a gathering of some kind is important for closure/healing but it can be whatever you want it to be.

Is there a significant cost difference?

I can understand people choosing direct cremation to save money, but to have no service/gathering at all feels odd to me. Nobody enjoys funerals, but I've found them an opportunity to talk to people I haven't seen for ages and catch up, as well as sharing memories of the deceased. Also a chance for the family to meet other people who knew their relative and learn a bit more about them.

My Dad had been a big part of his local community and there was a very good turn out at the church service (we had a cremation separately, attended by family only). My brother and I don't live there and didn't grow up there, so we were meeting a lot of my parents' friends and neighbours for the first time. I found it a real comfort.

It wasn't ruinously expensive, either. A lot of people on this thread have talked about spending £10k on a funeral. We spent less than half that on a very simple cremation and church service, including flowers from the family and sandwiches, cake, tea, coffee and float behind the bar for drinks at a nearby pub afterwards.

A close family member asked for no eulogy, no flowers, no fuss, and also specified who could
and couldn't come. The latter included family members who had no idea this person was angry with them. It was devastating, shaming and made the whole loss experience worse, because we had to explain to others.
We chose not to follow all their wishes, because we needed the ritual of the funeral, and to remember our loss.
I think these things should be discussed with the people you are leaving behind. The funeral is for them not you.

My DB died at the grand age of 47 unexpectedly.
we didn’t have a funeral. We had a celebration of life at a place we spent a lot of time at by a lake. We had good food and drink and sat around telling stories. His friends told me some wonderful anecdotes of things I never knew. It was a lot easier to deal with than a traditional funeral.

I don't want a funeral either. I find the whole concept of them gross to be honest. Every time I go to one I can't help thinking about the fact there is a dead body lying a few feet away, one that has usually been dead for several weeks at that point too. I also find the whole ash scattering thing pretty grim, or keeping them in an urn on the sideboard or whatever.

I'm all for having a wake/ party/ gathering etc. to remember someone and share memories, but that can be done without attending a burial/ cremation first.

I missed my Gran's funeral as I was the other side of the world and I don't feel like I missed anything. I still grieved for her in my own way.

I know my mum attended some sort of humanist funeral for a relative of hers and liked that idea. No idea what my dad would want. Not sure how to ask him either without sounding like I'm already planning for his death as he is 80. I do think their friends would probably find it strange if we didn't have a funeral. My brother has similar feelings to me, so we definitely won't want their ashes back to scatter.

I do think it's becoming more popular to not have traditional funerals, probably a lot to do with cost. But I also think people are less religious now and don't always feel the need to follow the traditional rituals surrounding death.

One think I can't decide though is whose wishes are actually more important - the person who has died, or those left behind. Although I don't want a funeral, if my husband/dc would find it beneficial to hold one then should they just go ahead? I'll be dead anyway, so do my wishes really matter?

I don't want a funeral, so will be DC for me. DH says the same.