My Parents don’t want funerals

[Longsight2019]

I recently ended up in conversation with my parents about their wishes surrounding their funerals. We are very open, honest, sorted in terms of wills and power of attorney etc, so the conversation was free and easy.

They have decided that they don’t want to have a full funeral service. Cost comes in to it in that they see it as a waste of money when compared to simply being cremated and presented in an urn. ⚱️ Money is there for that not to be an issue, but i can see their logic and tend to agree on the money element and lining other people’s pockets.

What I wanted your views on, was whether this was becoming more common, and what your thoughts were/would be if your parents had/would do the same?

An implication that we discussed was the assumption/expectation in extended family and friends that a funeral would take place.

We talked about having some sort of gathering instead as a celebration of their lives rather than a full blown service/wake etc.

Interested in hearing your thoughts.

I think it depends on the circumstances.

We had an unattended cremation for FIL last week. He was late 80s, and PIL had moved to our area a year ago. There really wasn't anyone local to attend a funeral; friends down South are not that mobile. We are taking MIL to her home village at the weekend and are having a memorial meal there so that their remaining friends can attend.

In contrast, my DF had always said he wanted to be cremated in an orange box so as not to waste money. However he dropped dead at 46, and he and my stepmother had 4 young children. We had a 'proper' funeral for him and he was buried in the village church so that the children would have somewhere to visit.

I'm donating my body to a medical school so no funeral or burial / cremation.

My dad has a pre paid funeral and cremation, then he wants his ashes and my mothers to be buried together anywhere.

Sorry, I meant to add that I have found funerals to be cathartic - unfortunately I have been to a lot.

When my time comes I will leave the choice to my DC. I think of a funeral as one of life's rights of passage. The bringing together of family and friends to support the bereaved, with the focus of the ceremony or burial itself.

My grandfather and one of my grandmothers were buried as was my father, and sadly my stepmother with him. I have visited their graves and as I have an interest in family history I have visited great grandparents' graves too. My other grandmother was cremated and I have nowhere to go for her.

So for me, my DC have free rein. Unattended if they can't face it, or a burial if they want somewhere to visit.

And I think it is a last act of narcissism.
It isn't about you. You are gone and nothing.
The only people that matter are the living.
It's incredible cruel to leave the pressure of that's what they wanted.
Whether that's forcing a big funeral that the living will find hard to cope with or a direct cremation when the living need a traditional service to say a final goodbye.

@sashh bear in mind that medical science won't always take you. It depends on time of year and what you die of.

Narcissism.
It's not about the dead person.

Funerals are really for the family left grieving not the deceased.
Do what's right for you and your siblings when the time comes - you probably won't know what that is until it happens.
If you feel a funeral will help you say goodbye then have a funeral service for them. If you are happy with direct cremation and the just the wake then do that.
Be honest with your parents about how you feel.

There is a middle ground between this and a full-on funeral.

Direct cremations are organised by the companies that own crematoria, cutting out funeral directors and their additional services and costs.

One of the big direct cremation companies has several different packages. The basic is the unattended cremation. But they also offer one where a small number of people can attend a very short ceremony to say their goodbyes. Also one where there is a 30 minute ceremony, including a celebrant, simple coffin, unlimited attendees.

It's still a lot cheaper than a funeral director as there's no need for their fees, and no extras like flowers, hearse, family cars, etc etc.

Would your parents agree to something like this?

I think there are two things to be considered:
The disposal of someone's 'earthly remains' ie their body.
The way they can be grieved / remembered.
These two are not necessarily linked (but can be, if things go 'wrong')

However, my Mother's body was transported to a 'central hub' 200m from her home of 50 years. The direct cremation was done at some point in a '72 hour' window. Her remains were posted back & the parcel was a. sent to the wrong place the first time so was 'undelivered' then sent back to Hub. Then re-sent to correct address but got stuck in a Royal Mail strike for 2 days. Just AWFUL.
I expect my brother was pleased to have purchased the bargain service
(I imagine he pocketed her £5K funeral savings which she had wanted used)

My Partner left his body 'to medical science'. There are a surprising number of reasons why a body cannot be accepted (even re a bank holiday!) but his was. I found it extremely hard but it was his long expressed wish so that mattered.

I would like to be buried in a place where that cannot happen unless you live locally (& I am not quite local enough as yet). I would therefore probably rather I was cremated & my ashes sprinkled there. But my Dd looked horrified so I will leave enough money for either a modest burial or a cremation & party & they can choose. IMO the most important thing is that it is 'copeable with' for those in mourning & that it helps them process what they need to.

This.

My friend and I both lost a parent within a couple of months of each other. Mine had a funeral, hers didn't.

A year on and she struggles with 'closure'. The funeral is for those left behind to process the death. It doesn't have to be expensive or large, but I would definitely suggest something.

@FeatherRat, but none of this happens in a vacuum - you can discuss your preferences with your loved ones and how they feel about them, and then come to a decision overall. I organised everything for a close family member (actually 2), and it was only made more difficult by not knowing what they would have wanted, and so having to make all of the decisions for them.

To me it’s like a wedding. Some people want the big pomp and ceremony and some want to elope.
To me a direct cremation is just the equivalent of eloping.

I don’t want a funeral. I knew this as i sat in my MILs funeral with hundreds of people who never went to see her or hadn’t been friends for years. It was a bizarre thing. It was so impersonal. Personally I think a big meal for those that were close to her would have been more appropriate.

My dear friend from school had a huge funeral in the cathedral. She was very devote and it was entirely appropriate.

Both DCs were just over £4k. You can get cheaper but we went with our local funeral director - who will take them to our local crem & bring them back in an urn ready for us to collect. So there is no service at the crem itself. Have been told some of the cheaper outfits send bodies some distance for cremation simply because that’s who they have deals with. Didn’t want my DM or DD being trekked cross country…

Thank goodness we seem to be moving in this direction. Funerals have always struck me as being completely pointless, and I certainly don't want one.

A lot of people are being directly cremated and the family collect the ashes , hire a space and have their own memorial service, where members of the family get up and share their memories, surrounded by a photo board of the deceased which works out a lot cheaper than a funeral. I've been to a few of these and yes they turn in to a bit of a party, but probably what the deceased would have wanted .

I've got a direct cremation planned. I've discussed my plans with my adult dcs ( and dh). Everyone on board.
Such a waste of money otherwise

I thought after medical science what was left of the body was cremated or buried?

Have a small gathering with family and friends when they die instead.

Exactly the same reason for me wanting a direct cremation with no gathering. Those left behind can choose to do something in their own time if they want to, but that's up to them.

My parents have chosen the same for themselves, and I'm relieved that I don't have to go through public grieving. I'm not good at that sort of thing, I'd feel pressure to not let them down in front of everyone.

Funerals don't have to be in a church with a minister talking. You don't have to do all the traditional bits. I've been to one in a pub. For my dad's we didn't have any hearses. We all walked behind the coffin from his house to the church. They don't have a celebrant. You can just sit around talking or listening to music. It's just a ritual to mark the meaning of a life - it can be a meal in a restaurant or a weekend away.

DH has his parents ashes in the garage. When I die, I just want a direct cremation and the funeral place deals with the ashes too. I don’t want a big party.

I've told my family to do whatever gives them comfort, it won't matter to me either way because I will be dead. Funerals or other celebrations are for the living. They can choose to remember me however they want

Funerals a for the living. A chance to pay final respects. What bits you cut out is up to you.

Church service, service at the grave / crem, tea later.

The actual committal and the tea are the most important bits.

My mum didn't have a funeral as such as she had donated her body to science. However, we had a memorial service at the crematorium, which was very similar to a funeral, minus the hearse and undertaker.

We had a celebrant who led proceedings. Her friend read the speech about her life and we then had a 'wake' at home.