Is this abusive? H and DC

[westofnarnia]

Got home tonight after the millionth episode of 'd' H sulking on a nice outing with the dc and i feel incredibly bleak. I would really appreciate a sense check on what happened. I have been in therapy for a while trying to decide whether our marriage is over for several reasons. One of the main ones being how he cannot rein in his moods around dc, and how I have become accustomed to walking on eggshells.

We went out for dinner at his suggestion after dc had a long school day (start at 8, finished afterschool at 5.30). dc is 9 and i suspect becoming a little bit hormonal as she is more emotional these days). Everything seemed fine then we started talking about the Narnia audiobooks dc is listening to that she got for xmas, and i inadvertently gave a 'spoiler' that involves some death, about the last book (sorry-- i dont want to give a spoiler again!) Dc got upset that this death happened and got a little bit teary, i felt terrible, but it opened a good conversation about how CS Lewis was religious and so believed in God and the afterlife and this inspired many of his books, and also that children's books were a little different in the old days perhaps because they were written during/after WW2 when children had to be more comfortable with scary ideas like death (I'm a historian and dc loves history so we do tend to get into these chats.)

Meanwhile H is there and i can tell a sulk is coming on. He's pissed off dc has acted this way, wont get involved in the conversation, tells dc to stop crying and 'acting ridiculous' and says she's being 'a baby'. When her food comes he's still pissed off and tells her she is eating 'like an animal' (she wasn't.) Then in front of her he said to me 'she's ruining this'. I stuck up for her which tends to make it worse. He walked off in front of us all the way home and has just told me that he's not pissed off and I'm the one acting weird.

Writing it out, i know it sounds bad. And it is. But it is also very normal for him. He's had scenes like this on holidays and meals out and at home and when his mood takes over he can't rein it in for dc or me. Often leads to a blowout argument which i try and diffuse if dc is there but he will then shut the door to our room and raise his voice/swear anyway. He cannot tolerate normal dc behaviour. When she was a toddler he would get angry if she was afraid of the dark or if she acted crazy during a long movie. We have clashed over it so many times. He has no patience. Even his mum tells him 'she's just a kid'. He is too strict when i'm not around and i dont really like leaving them together for that reason sometimes. I was out for 2hrs working the other day and by the time i came back he had confiscated her nintendo because she didn't get dressed fast enough.

He has a lot of resentment toward me because i had a short emotional affair which i confessed to quickly, in a very dark time in our marriage during covid when we had a separation, and i know this and i have apologised so many times but i now just think we might be done. I am tired of him ruining a nice evening out or whatever. Me and dc had the chat about the book, moved on, and had a nice dinner. He chose to seethe and get more worked up.

This isn't right, is it?

My gut reaction- stop letting him set the tone and agenda.

Answer his messages asking if he’s joking- either he can do better and has chosen not to, or he can’t do better. Either way DD is your priority and he has made himself irrelevant.

Im sorry it’s tough, but stop second guessing yourself and stop worrying about what he thinks. He’s proven he has nothing to offer. Move along.

I think the insight in the latter half of your post is profound and accurate. You can be your best self with just your unit of 2, and so your DD will thrive. FWIW I was also a far better parent once my husband was out of the picture, and he was their actual dad.

Your husband is playing the victim, I've heard all this before. "i'm sorry i've failed as a husband and stepdad" - er no you're not otherwise you wouldn't continue repeating the same behaviours.
Also re you having feelings about someone else - this is goading you and is unacceptable. For him to even bring that up at all is unacceptable in my opinion.

He'll say enough for you to go back to him and then yes you're right, it'll start again. The true test will be whether he steps up even if you decide not to go back straight away and stays that way for 6 months plus - if he can do that then sure maybe. If he can apologise profusely to you and your daughter sure maybe, but generally they can't/won't because they have a certain mindset about where they are in the world vs where women are in the world and they can't look past that.

These kinds of things are extremely traumatic so be patient with yourself and your daughter, it's a big deal but you have each other and she will never forget the show of strength you have put on. It will give her the strength to leave situations that are similar if she ever gets into one in the futre. She looks up to you.

From my dd6 & I… you got this! I did it and am happy now & so can you. Trust your gut xxxx

Thankfully you already know that he's capable of changed but not of keeping up the change. So you don't have to look back and think 'what if'. He's shown you once already, the last time that you reconciled that he's not capable, or doesn't want to change.

OP you sound like a wonderful mother with a wonderful DD. You have absolutely made the right decision to leave that horrible, cruel man. I saw that you mentioned worrying that you have left it too late to have another child at 36. It's definitely not too late for you to meet someone and have another DC, or have another DC on your own as an SMBC. I left my abusive ex-H at 37 (who I had a DC with) and I've since had another DC with my current partner at 41. You have plenty of time.

I'm really happy you have left OP. I had a terrible step dad who resented me and my Mum is still with him. I have had non stop problems in my life owing to never being put first by either parent - I wish my Mum had been strong enough to leave for us, like you have.

This must be difficult, and your daughter will miss the familiarity, but that's the danger - she will find comfort in the familiarity of being mistreated and will repeat it in later life. She will learn that this is not how she should be treated, and that her Mum loves her enough to put her first. That's enormous. Well done to you.

He expects you to believe he's magically changed...yeah right.

Change is hard. For people capable of it.
Which I don't believe he is. Abusers rarely are unless they are for example, addicts who seek help and recover from their addictions.

He hasn't done anything like that. No therapy. Nothing.

He's just changed what he is saying because he thinks it'll fool you back.

I'd tell him not to contact you any further and that your solicitor will be in touch regarding the divorce. Pursue the divorce as soon as possible, it'll help things like pushing through the sale of the house.

You also need to think long term living arrangements. To make sure you have somewhere to go after the air bnb. You don't want to put yourself in a predicament of needing to move back there.

Well done on how far you've come so far!
You're doing right by you and your child and should be proud.

Well done. Don't go back. You've done the hardest part. Don't make leaving a temporary thing, make it a permanent thing.

You're doing amazingly Op, your daughter is lucky to have you.

F

Show your daughter how us strong women do it! Both my grown up daughters have thanked me for removing us from their abusive dad.
Life was tough but infinitely better. They grew up mostly free of his incessant undermining and criticism. At least your daughter never has to put up with mandatory visits to her abuser.
You are both free as birds.

Well done, OP! What a huge positive step for you both. You're absolutely right, he won't change for good - he fundamentally doesn't think it's important and never will. He only does it when it aligns with his agenda of controlling your behaviour.

Well done@westofnarnia

You’re an amazing mum and I have no doubt your daughter will be very proud of you.

Like you, I had clarity of purpose suddenly and never wavered. I had tried so long to fix our marriage, to fix ex H. Divorce was never an option - I begged him to go therapy, to marriage counselling (thank god we never did this), to stop drinking, to go on medication for his “anxiety”/“intermittent explosive disorder” (that I diagnosed him with because I couldn’t face the fact he was actually just a garden variety abusive man. He refused. Then I ended the marriage and suddenly he said he would do anything to save the marriage. All the things I wanted him to do for years. I had sat on the couch sobbing and he’d never cared, never so much as given me a hug to comfort me.

Suddenly I didn’t give a fuck any more. I didn’t have confidence he would change (rightly) and even if he did everything I had wanted, it didn’t matter to me. He never did them when I asked him to because it was causing me pain. He only said he would do them when he was directly affected - when suddenly his lovely comfortable life was impacted. Have never regretted it for a second.

OP you are amazing. Big changes are not easy. They require a leap of faith and bravery.
Don’t engage with him. Mute his calls.
He is an abusive manipulator , there is no line he can say at the moment you haven’t heard before.
You know in your heart what you need to do . Speak to a solicitor and continue to do what you’re doing.
look forward OP not backwards.

* ...he would be awesome to dd for a little while and it would peter out - and that would probably really upset me as he always had the capability, he just couldnt be bothered.*

This sums it up so well for a lot of people in bad relationships, OP. When they know perfectly well what decent behaviour looks like, but don't care enough to do it unless their comfortable lifestyle is under threat.

Hope you’re ok OP .
This man will never change. Remember that if & when you’re second guessing yourself .
You & your DD deserve to find joy in your lives . Don’t let him crush your spirits and determination to have a better life.
He has never cared only controlled.
Be brave x

So either her was always capable of change, but preferred to traumatise and damage you and DD instead, in which case he's not a good partner or role model, or....
He was never capable of change and never well be, in which case he's not a good partner or role model.

Either way, he's someone you should be rid of.

You just did the single best thing for your DD - she's too young to see it but you've shown her that woman shouldn't put up with poor treatment. She will make better choices in her adult life, because you've shown her how it can be done and how you can let go of someone you care about who harms you. All you have to do now is keep moving forwards - as slowly as you need and even stand still at times if you need, but never go backwards.

He was probably thrilled you had the 'affair' as it gave him something to hold over you and berate you and demean you for.

Onwards and upwards!!

@westofnarnia How are things? I hope you and your daughter are well away from that R sole and doing AOK