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Original poster

Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

387 replies

noblemilkyway · 17/01/2024 14:44

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 17/01/2024 18:26

You're being played. Are you happy to be treated as a fool? I hope not.

As other have said, I suspect your husband will be less happy about this fictional open marriage the second you show interest in another man.

Emptyheadlock · 17/01/2024 18:28

So an open marriage, but only because he got caught.

I think he wants to be with her, if you meet someone, because why wouldn't you in an open marriage. It absolves him of any guilt.

Pick your self esteem from the floor and get a divorce.

That's where it's ending anyway.

Bookworm1111 · 17/01/2024 18:30

I know that this does sound fucked up.

It really, really does. Your DH has been having an affair and because he might lose out in a protracted divorce he's sweet talked you into accepting a situation where you get to share him with his mistress.

I don't feel sorry for you if you're mug enough to go along with it, but god I feel for your kids. And hers. What a shitty example of marriage and relationships you're showing them.

Ilovebees · 17/01/2024 18:35

Nah I could never do that , just imagine someone sleeps with your man and then you sleep with him straight after , after it’s been inside her 😡

Lili132 · 17/01/2024 18:37

What if he falls deeper in love with her? What if she gets pregnant?
Open relationships can work if the connection is strong and communication healthy. They rarely work as a way to fix a broken monogamous marriage.

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 17/01/2024 18:39

It would be much better to tell your children that you are divorcing than having an open marriage (because he’s found someone else but doesn’t want to leave just yet).

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 17/01/2024 18:41

There’s zero point in a relationship with this manipulative pos, nor will the OP’s denial save it.

Shakirasma · 17/01/2024 18:42

My main thoughts are

  1. Your marriage has become a shit show which you would be much better off out of.
  1. Your poor kids!
Custardslices · 17/01/2024 18:43

I'm sorry OP but what you want the OW to agree too is ridiculous!!

You basically want her to sign a piece of paper saying she will be his wank sock on set days but receive no money spent on her.

I hope to high heaven she runs far away from both of you.

Your therapist sounds nuts to even suggest a poxy bit of paper, your DH is protecting his hard earned cash and your licking his arse at every opportunity

If only he felt the same way about you, make life easier but he doesn't. Divorce and think no more of him like he is doing to you.

momtoboys · 17/01/2024 18:43

This has to be a wind up. If not, OP you really have to go back and read your original post and maybe you will see how mental this sounds.

SamW98 · 17/01/2024 18:44

I don't feel sorry for you if you're mug enough to go along with it, but god I feel for your kids. And hers. What a shitty example of marriage and relationships you're showing them.

Abso fucking lutely this

Whatdoido1987 · 17/01/2024 18:45

What is the point of you being together? It sounds utterly shit and you're going to basically end up resenting him and him inevitably wanting to be with his new woman that makes him 'calm and happy' . Paint i6 how you like but he has cheated on you, an open relationship doesn't mean going off behind your partners back and sleeping with someone for a full year before saying anything

LoudSnoringDog · 17/01/2024 18:48

Appalling, damaging, selfish parenting

MasterBeth · 17/01/2024 18:50

Not for me, thanks.

Zone2NorthLondon · 17/01/2024 18:53

I’m afraid he’s checked out of your marriage and has a new partner.
Your his wife in name only thus isn’t a marriage
He wants the benefits of your marriage eg stable accommodation,consistency,two women keeping him in mind. He doesn’t want to or need to relocate as he wants to stay on marital home with sec and OW elsewhere

SuperFurryCat · 17/01/2024 18:54

@noblemilkyway I think you have to absorb the fact it’s been going on for a year. They are going to have developed a deep connection over a year. And where did he tell you he was when he was with her?
I don’t understand your motivation for wanting to stay in an unhappy marriage so that he can sleep with someone else and you can become more unhappy. What happens if you don’t find someone else in your open marriage scenario? You willingly wave him off to his OW and be left with the thought of what they are up to? That would make me ill.

fetchacloth · 17/01/2024 18:55

Divorce him.
Otherwise what are you getting from this arrangement except heartache?
Seriously it's not worth it.😐

DamnUserName21 · 17/01/2024 18:56

This is unlikely to work.

Open relationships tend to be about having casual flings with a random or acquaintance whilst keeping the main relationship intact, and NOT forming long-term relationships with the casual party. (This isn't gospel though!)

Your H has a wife and a mistress. I expect he will likely leave you for her at some later date.

CorvusPurpureus · 17/01/2024 18:58

Also, think about OW's motivations.

1 - she's just enjoying a fling. Well - clearly not a moral person, then...it's not like there's a global shortage of available cock. She doesn't give a shit. She will either refuse to sign your 'Agreement' (& then what?), or sign it with a chuckle at your expense & ignore it, or decide it's all stopped being fun & ditch your dh - who will then blame you & start looking for OW2.

2 - she's in love with your H & fully intends for your marriage to fail. She will fight her corner & force you into ridiculous 'Pick me!' contortions which will destroy your self respect & dignity. She might succeed, or she might not - in which case see above re OW2.

It's just not worth it. Divorce the sleazy bugger. If you still have residual affection, try to stay amicable once the dust settles.

But this - all of it - is just prolonging the agony. Rip the plaster off & get your life back. This is not it.

heathspeedwell · 17/01/2024 18:58

OP I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

Sadly, your husband has been lying to you for at least a year. Mumsnet has shown for a fact that men who cheat always tell massive lies about their affairs when they first get caught.

It's extremely unlikely that his affair has only been happening for a year. You already know that he is gaslighting you when he says that he's sorry he 'did it in the wrong order'.

Stop and consider how manipulative it is that he's trying to make you believe he thought you would be ok with him lying to you and concealing the fact that he was falling in love with another woman behind your back. What happened was not just some kind of administrative error.

Open relationships can work, but only if built on trust and complete transparency of communication. You have already made it clear that your marriage has neither of those things.

I am sure your head is reeling and you are trying to kid yourself that you have a future with this nasty liar, but stop doing the pick me dance.

He hasn't been prioritising you for a long time. If you and your children were his priority why hasn't he had a vasectomy? Every time they have sex with a condom there's a chance of him getting her pregnant.

Would you still want to be with him if you found proof the affair started before you both had the open relationship conversation?

Would you still want to be with him if and when he gets her pregnant?

Please put yourself first. He has already proved that putting you first is the last thing on his mind.

unsync · 17/01/2024 19:01

How long have you been married, is it more than ten years? Are there a lot of assets and does he have a big pension? How old are you both? Do you work and what is your earning capacity? What is his earning capacity? I'm going to hazard a guess and say that he has a lot to lose.

DamnUserName21 · 17/01/2024 19:02

OP, you can love and care for someone, does not mean you should be with them.
There has to be trust and respect.

Are you so afraid of being alone that you will settle for this situation?

Do YOU actually want to sleep with other persons or are you just trying to find a way to make things better in your marriage?

TiredCatLady · 17/01/2024 19:02

With the utmost respect… just file for bloody divorce.

Or you’ll be back on here every few weeks getting more and more pissed off about this and it will eat away at you.

Hes already cheating. For whatever reason, you seem to want to turn a blind eye but it’s obviously riled you enough.

For both of your sakes, just let it go.

InShockHusbandLeaving · 17/01/2024 19:04

Good grief, you’re being played for an utter fool! Divide your many assets between you in the divorce, unless you’re ok with her moving in and you taking the spare room?

BranchGold · 17/01/2024 19:11

I think it’s interesting that a lot of your requirements for her to sign are about finances/saving face. Not about emotional intimacy and connection.

It’s also relevant that what he has to lose with you divorcing him is a division of joint assets. It’s all a bit of a sham.