Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

This is NOT an open relationship. This is him essentially having a second wife/girlfriend! As far as I'm concerned, an open relationship is where you both agree that u can (occasionally) shag other people, but you're not seeing them on a long term basis. .

He has already betrayed you by going behind your back for a year and then tries to say its OK, FML! I'd be binning him, this isn't going to work.

Not a betting lady but there will be an 'accidental' pregnancy

This is rather well put.

Fucking hell I’ve read some absolutely mind blowing things on here but this - this takes the cake and then some, it comes back for seconds. He’s cheating on you. And you’re ok with this! Let’s see how he feels when you start shagging around.

With the greatest of respect op.. you need to wake the fuck up! Do you have any real friends in real life you could run this past? I know what my friends would say.. and deep down you know this is just smoke and mirrors for him to have a free pass to continue shagging her. You sound so desperate for your relationship to be back on track and how he’s been more attentive, you know why? He can’t believe his luck that you’re actually considering this, so he’s playing the game, giving you a little of what you want.

Have some self worth and divorce him..

The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

This is so unbelievably fucked up,sorry.

The whole thing is unnatural, toxic and unhealthy.

@noblemilkyway sorry but this is absolutely bonkers!! Basically your marriage is over, he has found someone else, but he wants to have his cake and eat it because separation = hassle. And you are actually considering this - Why? Are you really that desperate to cling onto him? He must not hold you in very high regard to even suggest such a thing. Please don’t let him treat you like a door mat, just accept it’s over. You might think letting him do what he wants and letting him walk all over you will keep him, but once the novelty of the open relationship has worn off for him, all he will see is someone so utterly desperate to be with him with no self worth.

I can never understand when a person says they've been treated like a piece of shit - but they love them so won't leave. How does that work? Surely when someone treats you like shit the love disappears out the door?

If he thought you'd agreed an open relationship a year ago, why has it taken so long for him to tell you about it.

It won't work op, he's already proved he can't be trusted - it's utter bollocks about him thinking you'd agreed to this, you know deep down this is true.

Get rid and be with someone who isn't angry and treats you like you deserve to be treated

He has twisted this OP . He knows fine well what he has done and has used your conversation to his own advantage using it as a way out of his cheating.

Your marriage is over .

Ri-iight. What woman would agree to that?

So - DH will stuff the agreement to stay in a relationship with. Whether he tells he’s doing this or not - presumably not.

Am I right in thinking you've not been with anyone else yet?

I may be wrong but I suspect if you tell him you've got a date and don't wait up, then book yourself a hotel room for the night, you may find that he only wants his half of the marriage to be open.

He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).
🤣🤣
seriously? why are you determined to hang on to this sleaze?
Divorce him and find some self respect.

The bottom line here is OP: why won’t you leave him?

How badly does he have to treat you before you say enough?

Is it money? Have you been a SAHM? Are you worried about supporting yourself? Finding another relationship?

My thought is that he doesn’t love you or care for you.

He's had an affair and is now gaslighting you into thinking you agreed with it. Open marriage fine but this is him betraying you and not giving a shit about your feelings.

I agree with previous posters. This is not an 'open' relationship. That would involve mutual respect and the setting of boundaries in advance. This is you trying to put a brave face on his cheating.

Do you want to get involved with someone else? Would your 'DH' be happy with that? Because if not, you're basically justifying his cheating by giving it a fashionable label. Dump him.

Please get some self-respect, you deserve so much more.

My thought is to get rid.
In the very unlikely event that I got in love with someone in a relationship and if he show me a made up contract to sign to give me kibbles I would be laughing at his face.

If my partner tell me that he want to shag someone else because that makes him happy I would give him the permission to shag her for the rest of his life because I would be ending the relationship.

He's already proven he's a liar and a cheat. Open relationships, especially polyamory, require absolute honesty and trust to work, and no amount of contracts or discussion will replace that. For all you know he could be seeing multiple other people or paying for sex, and you can't trust him to tell you if something serious happens like getting an STI or someone getting pregnant. There are polyamory support groups on Facebook etc; when people pop up on there with similar stories the advice is always to LTB and find someone who respects you enough to be honest.

So wrong. You're being very understanding. What a dog he is.

I think it’s you…

He's been fucking some other woman, the absolute hero wears a condom, he would be devastated if she stopped fucking him, he suddenly suggests an open marriage to you, and then a year down the line, now you’ve naively agreed to that madness, he tells you about this other woman.

He gives no shits about you or your child, just about getting his peen wet. He’s absolutely repulsive.

What a mess.

love yourself, you are worth so much more than this! I believe you are only accepting this because of where this leaves you financially. I would visit a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to, even if you don’t want to take action yet, it might help to get an idea and help with a decision on your future

I’m sorry you are going through this

Do you work of does he provide financially for you? How would you support yourself financially if ye were to divorce / separate

If I were you I would start getting my ducks in a row as this could lead to separation / divorce whether you want to or not

How long are all participants in this relationship going to be happy in this situation without wanting more, you can never be sure of the conversations they are having when alone and it seems like they know each other quite a long time now

Name changed.

From experience, open arrangements CAN work but you need a strong foundation to begin with and clear, open communication. I was in a physically open arrangement, not poly /emotionally open, so probably less tricky to navigate than what you're proposing. FWIW I'm still with the same partner, we decided to close our relationship since having a kid but may revisit further down the line. The experience really did bring us closer, added spice to our relationship, and we both feel it's been a highlight of our lives - amazing experiences to look back on when we're old and grey haha : )

That being said, it sounds like your relationship is not in the best place. But if it's something you're genuinely open to (and it's not just him who's pushing it) then it could be worth exploring.

Once you've both agreed on the details of the arrangement it could be helpful for you to meet the OW 1 on 1.

I'd also make sure the financial aspects are v clear and agreed (your DH shouldn't be paying 100% for OW meet expenses, unless you're happy with that).