Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

@ZenNudist couldn't agree more

How often are they seeing each other ? Why would ow want to be with a man she can only see once every few weeks.

I still don’t understand why you’re married. The relationship is over. You can love and care for each other without being married. Probably you’d be even happier with each other if you separated and have events in common every now and then.

I think this wouldn’t end well

OP is hanging on by her nails, now is not the time to bash her.

Her husband has played a blinder, given OW the script, she fell for it and moulded to meet his apparent needs that wife doesn't.
He is now over his head infatuated with OW in lust (nubile sexy body 15 years his junior) whilst you are both hysterically bonding (increased sex drive on his part and desperation on OP's part)....this is not going to end well.

I feel OP is trying to save face and in shock, trying to make the best of a poor situation. I would suggest she may also be a p/t worker/ SAHM with no career who doesn't want her life turned upside down with divorce.

OP, I know you are desperately trying to control the situation HE has put you in to cope, but please think a bit further down the line.

If it is a case that he is heavily emotionally invested with OW, he is prioritising her needs NOT yours or your family. OW will want more and more and you will be sidelined, just as he has already done by conducting the affair behind your back.

I commend you for putting a brave face on matters but your reaction isn't normal unless of course you no longer want a physical/sexual relationship with him as the attraction has gone? If this isn't the case ( as you still seem to be having sex together), just save yourself further humiliation and heartache.

The cheating is on him. He is a selfish entitled man who must be feeling as though all his Christmases have come at once. OW must be loving this power play.

OP, there is no shame in admitting your marriage is over and your husband whilst claiming to love you, obviously doesn't by his actions. You have been manipulated by him into a corner, get angry, get out of this sham relationship. You might eventually meet someone who is worthy of you.

My suspicious mind tells me that he doesn’t want to deal with the financial impact of divorce after a long marriage.

Staying together in an open marriage means that he’ll keep everything as is, no downsizing so you can both buy properties, no parting with pensions, etc. Not to mention that he won’t have to face your adult children’s reactions.

You don’t need a relationship agreement you need an STI check urgently. Please,please prioritise your health.

You say in your OP you've been unhappy for 5 years. Then he does this to you.

I really don't understand the desire to cling on. Is it all about preserving wealth?

This is pure stupid. Play stupid games- win stupid prizes.

Yes that’s quite a clear analysis of it actually.

I feel really bad for you OP coming on here and getting these harsh truths but, even though I believe in giving relationships a chance and can’t stand the MN tendency to shout LTB at every minor transgression, this really is a situation where you need to see it for what it is. In some ways it’s far more insidious and wrong than him telling you cleanly that he’s having an affair and leaving you. He’s cowardly in coaxing you to keep skin in the game to make getting what he wants easier for him. I can see you value the relationship beyond just the sex aspect and that speaks well of you. But please don’t waste yourself on him. He’s treating you appallingly - almost as if you are stupid and certainly he is being wet about making a proper decision with consequences. So I’m sure this thread has made for harrowing reading BUT I hope it leads to action to stake your line in the sand and strike off into an emotionally healthy future.

Whaaaaaat

OP are you sure about this ?

What happens if the OW wants another DC and sees your DH as a potential father to them.

What happens if you do stay and get into a relationship with another man and your DH and OW split up, would your DH still be so accommodating seeing you happy and the tables reversed?

Your husband is going to leave you for this woman or another, and you're going to feel like an utter fool for going along with this nonsense.

You're kidding yourself if you think him fucking other women is your 'choice'. No woman wants to be humiliated like this.

Dump him and save yourself a lot more misery.

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom I think this is it tbh. Having read the OP's passive responses it does feel like there is no real care or love to be lost, but since he's the breadwinner, I imagine she would lose the lifestyle she's used to...

Or the whole thing is a wind up, because I can't imagine many people this gullible.

Hey OP I think that Mumsnet is really not a great place at all to seek advice on how to make an open marriage work. In your shoes I would be reading and listening to what Dan Savage has to say and reading this book he always recommends to people thinking of opening up their relationship: https://www.blinkist.com/en/books/opening-up-en

I think you were brave bringing this kind of relationship on here to discuss but it’s certainly an interesting thread.

It doesn’t really matter what people on here feel about the idea of your relationship…how do you feel about it? Not what you think about it…how it makes you feel. That’s missing from your posts.

In your shoes, I’d certainly have raised eyebrows about his behaviour, not mentioning this OW for several months. What did he say to you about where he was spending that time when he was with her?

My DH and I have an open relationship. We have rules around it (though we don’t formalise them in any kind of documented agreement!). They’re a little different though, more around staying safe, using protection and limiting potential fallout into our daily lives. And we always know where the other one is and with whom. It’s a world away from a hidden affair…it feels different in a very real and visceral way.

But just because I would have trouble with the arrangement you describe, if you are truly happy with it, then it works for you two. It may even bring you closer in the end as you bake the necessary trust and honesty into it.

If you ever feel like you’re not fulfilled in it though…it’ll be time for you to pull the ripcord.

What of you? Do you want to see other's. You just seem happy that you are getting more sex off your DH, and have capitulated with him having someone else because of some sex act that he likes but you don't or "cant" do? - just weird, correct response of a loving partner is "ok, we won't do it" not " oh OK, can I go find someone who will then".
If you are not excited by the prospect of being free to have sex with others, then you have been agreeing for all the wrong reasons, and probably including a lot of coercion from your DH to accept it all.
If you're up for exploring others yourself, then you might have the necessary attitude for it.

He's having a full on committed relationship with her, and would be fine if you wanted to divorce. I think you're dreaming if you think this is an open relationship, he's having a relationship with her and has done for a year.

Do you have any close friends or family OP because you honestly sound like you have been brainwashed like a PP said, like someone in a cult that is incapable of rational thought.

I can't believe other posters saying get your self a boyfriend and see how he likes that!
WTF it's not a game and he's not a prize to win who gives a flying fuck how he feels about OP doing the same, the whole situation is toxic af.

Also why on earth would another woman want to agree to degrade herself for this shit show (unless also brainwashed)

GET HELP

I need to get off MN. I read threads like this because they sound intriguing but then just turn out to be downright depressing. That anyone would allow themselves to be treated like this is really triggering for me because I used to do this too. I was very easily manipulated by abusive men. No more. I understand why you are trying to salvage your marriage op, but all I can tell you is that you will be so much happier without him and his ow.

@noblemilkyway

I have seen people in open marriages. Some work, some don’t.
It depends less on the kind of agreement they have and more on the strength of relationship. And - probably on the sort of thing people seek in their relationship with others.
for eg - the kind where it works the best is when someone is into a particular kink and they have a play partner just for that.
It’s harder when it goes into ‘poly’ zone - and people can get attached.

The fact that your kids are mostly grown and out of the house actually makes it easier to think of next phase of life, and new relationship. The whole ‘kids and family come first’ keeps marriages together when kids are small and at home.

What I read in your posts is that you want to give it a go and see. Yea, it’s not ideal that he started without all dots and t’s crossed - but life doesn’t always go as planned.
See if you can get your head around it all now. Talk about boundaries, etc.
Agreement - in the way you talk about it is a bit strange - as in having to sign it and all.
But putting it on paper may help you both discuss what you expect.

As to him spending money on dinners, etc - I don’t think you can really expect him not to be able to spend his own money on something like that.
Not only because he is the main breadwinner. But also - unless money is short - i presume he and you have your ‘own’ spending money. As you are both adults.
Of course - there are limits on that - and you certainly should discuss that.

Meeting her - actually is a good idea. If this arrangement is to work - her being clear where things stand is best.

Open marriages never work !sorry I’m by sure someone will turn up saying they are the exception to the rule but working with divorces daily , I’ve seen countless open marriages collapse . Not to mention he already betrayed you . Just get a divorce and find someone who truly loves you

Do you work, OP? There's a lot to be said for it, and not just the financial benefit. When I was going through hell with my ex-husband, boy was I grateful I had my career 😀

I think someone else mentioned this but please get a solicitor to read anything before you sign it. 50/50 is only a starting point for financial settlements and I would suspect it would be a massive gift to your husband's future divorce lawyer if he had a document saying you had agreed to open your marriage to a third party and therefore weren't a 50/50 partner in it.

I also very much doubt a single mother is gagging to spend every other Tuesday if there's an r in the month with a married man almost old enough to be her father and one who won't buy her dinner or jewellery at that. She'll have an endgame.

I think someone else mentioned this but please get a solicitor to read anything before you sign it. 50/50 is only a starting point for financial settlements and I would suspect it would be a massive gift to your husband's future divorce lawyer if he had a document saying you had agreed to open your marriage to a third party and therefore weren't a 50/50 partner in it.

I never thought of that, it may be an advantage to your husband if you sign a document and it may well just be a worthless peice of paper to you.You seem to be using it to try and maintain a bit of control and set boundaries in the marriage when in fact you have no control over your husband's future plans, or control over what your husband does next.
The trust has already been taken away from the relationship and you would be better getting a 50/50 divorce - much less stressful in the long run. 62% of divorces are initiated by women. Among college-educated couples, the percentage of divorces initiated by wives is 90 percent and so it might be that you have to get the ball rolling.

@FKAT That’s a very good point.
Be very careful, OP, I wouldn’t sign anything at all.

As I said upthread, I have a suspicious mind and I wouldn’t be viewing him as my friend anymore.

I find this really sad
he cheated on you he wasn’t honest and it seems he is quite invested in this other woman. That would really upset me. There’s no way you can get her to sign anything.
Nor can any agreement be enforceable - what’s the penalty? Leaving him? Will he care at that point? ie he spends more time with her than the agreement.
If you want to stay with him then be prepared that he may change his mind and leave. You should start seeing other people yourself as well.