Husband having an affair and we've suggested having an Open Marriage

[noblemilkyway]

My DH told me last weekend that he had found someone. This someone started out as a professional relationship, which turned personal (DH said he made it personal). DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer). She herself is a divorcee with a child. She is also 15 years younger than DH. He said that he thought it was okay as we had discussed 'friends of benefits' (flirting with this idea of a poly-amorous relationship when we were in bed and talked about how we could overcome both our sadness about drifting apart).

I'm okay with an open marriage/relationship but was really wanting to get something in writing about rules and boundaries before either of us embarked on finding another person. I wanted our relationship to be open and honest. However, him and the OW doing it for most of 2023 behind my back is not being open and honest. DH says he thought that what he was doing was okay as we'd discussed open marriage. He's said sorry for doing it in the wrong order - telling me after he's found the one (to conduct the open relationship with).

DH wants to continue seeing her as he feels that she makes him happy and calm.

Sleepness nights and tearful thoughts on my part, we went for couples therapy yesterday. We've also discussed putting together an Open Marriage / Relationship Agreement with rules and boundaries. The OW would see the Agreement and sign if if she is happy with it. If she is not happy then she would make comments, which would be considered and reviewed.

DH and I still love and care for each other, which is why we're doing therapy and pursuing this Open Marriage route.

I want to be happy; I want DH to be happy; and I want both DH and myself to be happy together. I don't know the OW's intentions in her staying in the relationship with my DH. DH has already told her that I and our children are his main priority. The OW said she is okay with the arrangement. I think DH pays for most things when they're together.

What are others thoughts on this situation?

because we've been together for so long and our relationship got stale.
In a way, having other people in our lives would enrich each of us separately and together.

Is this what you honestly believe or are these his words? I'm really not sure why you are pinning so much on some sort of written agreement. You've already got marriage vows which he has broken.

He is totally gaslighting you. Either A) he didn't tell you he was being unfaithful because he thought you had already agreed to an open marriage or B) he didn't tell you he was being unfaithful because it wasn't 'serious' so didn't count as part of your open marriage. How many other 'unserious' encounters has he had over the years.

Divorce him. Then have friendships and sex with whoever you want. But at least you can set the boundaries at the start.

He's testing the waters before ending the marriage and then he'll ditch you down the line. Hope you don't fall for his lies.

This.
It's been going on for a whole year and its justified by a conversation that you once had.
And he's said to her that you and the children are his priority but your youngest is leaving for uni in September. It does sound like he's trying to make the whole thing sound so unreasonable to you. Sorry OP. I think you need to reassess the situation.

Please raise your standards so your children can see what a healthy relationship is. My dad was a cheat and it's caused lifelong issues with my relationships, trust and standards. You deserve better.

He's not a nice person OP. He's a cheating shit who has completely gas lighted you. Of course he wants to stay married to you (and keep the OW with this ridiculous open marriage proposal) because he knows that if you divorce him it will cost him an absolute fortune.

Oh bloody hell just separate. You can always remain friends.

OP, if you could wave a magic wand and have whatever you want - what would it be?

if it would genuinely be an open relationship with your husband then you can continue down that route. Although I do think he’s using that as a bit of a get out of jail free card, having already cheated on you.

if your magic wand would give you a monogamous, loving relationship then I don’t think you should sell yourself short by remaining in the relationship you are in. Of course it’s hard to leave but don’t be pushed into a situation that is purely to your husband’s own advantage. Perhaps find a way to step out of the situation and get some genuine perspective. You owe it to yourself.

Oh OP. He’s having an affair and wants to convince you this is what an open marriage looks like and you’d already in theory agreed to this!

He has been having an affair for a year!

You’ve been discussing an open marriage but want to agree on how it would work and boundaries etc.

It doesn’t work retrospectively.

My honest opinion is he will continue his affair until such time the OW wants it to progress to a monogamous relationship and then he will leave you.

I think you’re being blindsided whilst he tries to convince you this is what you’ve agreed to and you and the children are his priority. I think the OW is his priority and when the time is right he will leave to be with her.

Get your ducks in a row! And be prepared.

You are really not going to get the sort of open minded responses on here I don't think.

I know I couldn't cope with this situation personally but I have a friend who 'separated' from her husband after he had an affair but they remained the closest of friends (after some difficulty on her part) l. They didn't divorce and still do so much together: they cook and eat together every Sunday, go on holiday together, out for meals together constantly they share finances - a car etc.. He is with the person he had the affair with and she has a new partner but they don't feature in their life with the children at all. It's unusual but she couldn't be happier and they are like brother & sister and care so much about each other and the kids are happy! She sometimes refers to it as an open marriage!

So I have so much admiration for her now for making this new normal ok, People judge but they are happy so who cares.

From a purely diabolical perspective, hats off to this guy. He could go into politics.
You don't need marriage counselling, you need a divorce lawyer who will be able to sort out your share of his pension pot before his next child comes along.

Wow! As I've always told my daughters - men only get away with behaving like dickheads because women let them.

This is a great example of that. Why would you even think about entering an 'agreement based on trust' when he so obviously isn't trustworthy (he's been having an affair behind your back for a year and presumably during that time lied to you on several occasions about where he was and what he was doing). Please, please, get some self-respect OP

I couldn’t respect anyone who was involved in this sort of batshit. You sound like you have rock bottom standards OP.

Discussing an open marriage and having one are two completely different things.
”Doing things in the wrong order” is bullshit. He is having an affair; he is lying, cheating and gaslighting you.
You’re wasting your time with rules and boundaries, he’s ran roughshod over the rules and boundaries of your marriage.
Sorry it’s harsh but fair.

OP , this is my view , your his safety net , he is comfortable with you ..he looks like a responsible father and husband but he wants a younger bit on the side..and A bit of excitement.. but that takes effort ..also they are consequences to a divorce.. his relationship with his children how people see him not forgetting the financial consequences of it as well .. you set the boundaries here.. know you have power .. Don't let him
Gaslight you .. if you don't want an open relationship tell him you want to divorce.. he wants his cake and eat it

sorry to say but this man is blatantly attempting to avoid what one can assume would be a sizeable divorce settlement for you!!!

Hey op, if you want to explore polygamy/open marriages I would suggest googling Dan Savage, he's the guy who coined the phrase 'ethical non-monogamy' - I will caveat this by saying he is not universally loved and there is plenty of valid criticism surrounding his opinions. His savage lovecast articles are probably the best place to start.

However. What your husband did is shitty. How is he working on improving things? Has he agreed not to see the OW until you've both decided where you guys stand? He had the opportunity to bring the open marriage to the table BEFORE he started the affair, he needs (in my opinion) to be able to accept and apologise for that if you guys are to build back any trust.

I think what you're doing; therapy, working on how you move forward is the right thing, but don't forget that he has broken your trust, and saying 'but we discussed an open marriage' isn't a free pass.

Whatever trust you place in him, forget it. He is not to be trusted and he is not your friend. He has lied to you for over a year, he is still lying to you to get what suits him and he will lie to you again in the future. The signed agreement is worthless.
Look after yourself OP.

I want to scream this first paragraph at you until you understand it.

He's just manoeuvring pieces so that he can keep this going for a while and then, when your marriage finally ends, he's not seen as the cheating bastard he is who fucked over the mother of his children, earning the contempt of the world (particularly his children), he's an innocent party in an agreed open marriage whose marriage just sadly mutually broke down.

FUCK. THAT.

End it now and be clear it's because he's been having a grubby little affair for over a year about which you just found out. Don't help him gloss over his sleazy behaviour and be the beard for his lecherous little secrets.

Honestly, please feel that you deserve better than this.

Is this really what yo truly want OP? or if you were being brutally honest with yourself is it that you just don't want the status quo to change?

I think he's deliberately confusing you, this is obviously what he wants, that's why he's already set it up without you knowing, but by being attentive and being more like the husband you want him to be suddenly, he's hoping you'll keep it going, as to him it's a win win situation.

DH was telling OW about our marriage problems (last 5 years of anger, threats of divorce, not wanting to be in this marriage any longer)

This was in your OP, who is this referring to with threats of divorce and anger issues, and threats of leaving? Was it you or him, I couldn't tell?

Everything you say seems to point to the fact that you don't really want this, but you don't want to lose him, making her sign an agreement with very restrictive conditions seems to be your way of having a semblance of control over what goes on when he's not with you, but really you have no control, they could agree to all of what you specify but could do whatever they want anyway, because they've already been doing it for a year and with kindness, you were oblivious it was even happening.

It's not something I would do but I understand why some people want an open marriage, but you need to have trust for it to work and in your shoes I would feel like all trust had gone at this point, I get the impression he has fallen in love with her so he's had to spring this on you as a way of keeping her, without fully committing to her, it may have even been an ultimatum that has come from her.

Sadly he seems to care more about OW's feelings that yours, OP. I'm really sorry you deserve better than that whatever you decide about the marriage - I've seen poly men on dating apps saying 'I have a great girlfriend, she comes first but looking for someone to see sometimes just me or all theee of us' - clearly he puts his main relationship first. My understanding is that's the main way that open marriages work. It feels here like OW is the main romantic relationship not you.

I feel like you've lost all your power here OP. I reallly want you to go out and meet someone great but something tells me you won't just want hook ups with a fit man, you want love and most decent men won't want to get that involved when you have a husband.

Also, I look forward to hearing more of this "doing things in the wrong order" defence applied to life.

Theft? Nah, just got taking and payment in the wrong order.

Joyriding? Nah, just driving a car and passing my test in the wrong order.

Rape? Nah, just sex and consent in the wrong order.

The brass neck on him, seriously.

Some people are happy sharing some are not. If you are one of those that don't mind sharing your husband go for it. Eventually there will be a preference or even another person in the mix. Each to their own we are all different. It would absolutely give me the ick .....

Just divorce amicably and stay friends if you want. Then you are free to find someone new and not put them off with the still being married lark. Open marriage is inviting men to think you are just a shag. Then you will never get the loving relationship you deserve.

'D'H is onto his exit strategy. Eventually he will decide he prefers OW to you, he will move out and you will just have to be cool with it.

Why does the OW want to sign up to being permanently a mistress? Surely she will angle for him leaving you Eventually.

Who gets him for Christmas, his birthday, holidays? Ugh, let her have him. He's no prize.

Sign up to an open relationship and you legitimise him being a cheating bastard. You can do better.

That's because it is

You deserve better OP. Work through what you want and what's best for you in counselling. The vast majority of people in your situation would walk. Why don't you feel that way? Something to explore.