Am I the other woman? Is this an affair?

[shackies]

Hello. I won’t waste time here, I’ll get straight into it.

In November, one of my old friends and I had a one night stand. It was the best sex I have ever had. So passionate and adventurous. However, he is married and I am separated.

Yes I know, it’s terrible. We went to school together and have known each other since we were 12. We reconnected around 15 months ago and have chatted on and off since.

We had flirted a bit online before he came to my house and we had sex. This has only happened once. Since then, we have spoken on and off. I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again. He would usually initiate it.

Recently, I told him I was finding the whole situation difficult and he agreed it was. We both also agreed that the whole no contact thing was something we both sucked at.

Over the past few days, communication has really ramped up. We speak from morning until bedtime and throughout the day. Lots of flirting, but nothing particularly romantic. We talk about our days and have general chit chat too. He likes to know what I am doing, watches my posts on social media, asks for pictures of me and asks about men pursuing me.

I know I have been naive, or just buried my head perhaps. This is beginning to feel like it’s developing.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here? Thanks.

You know I am generally of the opinion that the other woman gets too much blame in affairs - often more than the man as if men are these helpless creatures that can't help being seduced.

I usually argue that the other woman isn't betraying the partner (unless they are friends or similar) and the other woman doesn't "owe" her anything.

But also it IS selfish to engage in an affair with a married man. It is being part of something cruel and while it's nowhere near as bad as what the man is doing, at the very least you could admit that's what this is.

You're doing it because you don't care enough to stop, because feeling like he's chosen you over her gives you some sort of self esteem boost and you're doing it because you simply want to. I'd honestly judge you less if you'd just admitted that from the start.

This fake naive stupid act makes me a bit queasy. Of course it's an affair. You slept together and now you are getting so emotionally close that you apparently are incapable of stopping speaking to him. You are having every kind of affair. It's one of the most black and white types of affair there is.

If you're morally against an affair why sleep with him in the first place? I know I know things "just happen" but then you continued contact afterwards knowing what had happened between you.

You both agreed you "suck at no contact"? You know that this isn't a rom com don't you? What does that even mean? Are you claiming that you cannot help it? Of course you can. People lift cars off their children and endure mental and physical torture and pull other people out of burning buildings. You can stop acting like a lovestruck teenager.

You do not care enough to stop contact. Which is up to you. He's the one who is betraying his wife. But at least admit that you don't care instead of pretending that you had not considered that getting fucked by someone's husband and forming an extremely close emotional bond with them might not be the kindest thing to be a part of.

That woman, like all of us, has limited time on this planet and she's spending it with a man who treats her like that but she's not even getting the chance to choose whether she's ok with it because she is being lied to. I'm sure it's oh so difficult and confusing for you though.

However, he is married and I am separated.

Why are you separated, OP, what led up to that? Separated as in time apart to think, or separated whilst working through divorce? Do you have children, and do they live with you, or your separated spouse? This is where your attention and self-reflection should be.

Well he's obviously the school hunk who didn't look twice at you when younger or....

You're the school bombshell, whose ended up divorced and decided to latch onto this man because you're lazy and need some support.

I've got a feeling it's the first explanation as only one shag since November, you've got mentionitis and seem keen to place a name to the arrangement, suggests you are more keen than he is.

Yep, it’s an affair and you are the other woman. Don’t act like you actually care because you clearly don’t.

Iv been married 2yrs been with my husband 7yrs. I'm in my mid 50's his 15yrs older. We both have grown up children who are all getting on with their own lives. The relationship has never really been that exciting but we love one another. This is my 2nd marriage and his 4th marriage. So basically there is absolutely no form of intimacy, no kissing, no cuddling we get into bed and he turns on his side and basically acts dead!!.
He can be very cutting with his words and has no filter. If we have words he always puts the blame on me and say I cause drama and basically he doesn't need it at his age! He overcome cancer before we met thank god but he always brings that up whenever we have words and says I don't need any stress iv been through enough and says it to silence me. We don't really have full on conversation any I can remember the last time I really belly laughed with him infact I don't think I have ever!. I have tried so many times in 7yrs to reach out to him and talk about how I'm feeling. This can lead to insults like, I'm insecure, I don't respect him, I'm a drama queen etc and makes things up things I haven't even said. I think you all get the drift. He wants to just sail through life with no ups or downs. But I'm emotionally and sexually lonely. We do go out and have the odd holidays and get on well and he will do anything for me regarding the jobs around the house but he feels because he works and does odd jobs that should be enough!
Basically I should shut up and put up!!
Just need advice how we can move forward because I'm starting to think life is too short to be stuck in a rut!
Thanks ❤

You will need to start your own thread to get advice

Short answer. Leave him

Long answer.....start a thread of your own on the relationships board and you will get a lot of help. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships

Leave it alone. You can never be happy with this man.

You have two options be the mistress (don't do that) or be the one he left her for.

But even if he leaves his wife and you run off into the sunset - the whole thing will have a shadow cast over it while you think - but is he going to cheat on me too? He did it to his wife. He stood in front of all his family and friends and declared his love for her but came over to my house for sex. And you'll have the guilt of it all.

Stop it. Leave it alone. Encourage him to tell his wife. But definitely exit this whole thing.

It cannot have a happy ending.

@TD67, if you start your own thread you’ll receive much support. 🙂

You both agreed you "suck at no contact"? You know that this isn't a rom com don't you? What does that even mean? Are you claiming that you cannot help it? Of course you can. People lift cars off their children and endure mental and physical torture and pull other people out of burning buildings. You can stop acting like a lovestruck teenager.

Well said.

I had an emotional affair with a guy in my twenties, and he left his long term girlfriend for me quite quickly. I broke up with him before he broke up with her but he ignored my boundaries and kept calling, which I was too weak to ignore. He didn't tell her the truth. Red flags all over the place. He did not treat me better than her in the long-term. Someone who does this is not respectful of their partner's feelings.

(Small edit to say I read this back and it looks like I blame him - I take full responsibility for my own actions, I have learnt from them and would never repeat them now.)

Because love like this is so addictive it's really hard to stop. But it's addictive because like all addictions it's filling an emotional hole for you both right now.

It is not real. It is a fantasy of something perfect that you can obsess over, and it has the potential to cause so, so much pain. You will never be enough for each other ultimately because this is obsession, not love. It's a distraction from reality, and in reality you may not be a good match at all. You may be on the rebound and god knows what he's doing. Be kind to yourself and try to think clearly. Stop, stop, stop.

Don't worry when you end it, there will be another woman he will be lining up, he won't be alone.

No sympathy... switched off

You need to check your morals

(Edited)

"We would always communicate on Instagram, but the last few days, it's been moved to WhatsApp and we just message. His wife isn't home very often"

His wife no doubt by now has realised she's married to a bag of shit with no morals who's bagged another gullible OW of low self esteem and minimal intelligence ( you won't be his first OP) and she's done a runner whilst getting her ducks in a row.

@shackies MNers helped me realise how bad being an OW is, too.

Tell him you're only interested in single men.

That way you haven't told him you'd be interested if he left his wife (which might make you kind of a bit culpable if he did- or at least might feel that way.)

I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again

Clearly you haven't tried. If you really want to cut contact, it's easy enough to block this man off all your social media and contacts and walk away if he makes any direct approach. If your later messages are sincere, do all of that now.

Agree with this - although you're obviously hurtling towards fully-qualified OW status. It's REALLY important to realise this isn't the deep mysteries of Fate pulling you together, or whatever romantic allegories your genitals are feeding your brain. You've shagged a player, who is now manipulating you to keep you on the hook.

He evidently is a player. He's playing his wife, now he's playing you, and I agree it's almost certain there are even more of you on his baited lines. The bait is the spectacular sex. All that guff about being unable to resist contact is him playing the line ... that's actually the correct angling term! Here's what's happening to you, little fishy. Bear in mind that keen anglers set several lines along the bank.

Get the fuck out of this, block on all channels, before he throws you back with a gaping wound in your gullet and a desperate wife thrashing after you.

If I was his wife you'd absolutely be crushing my whole world. That poor woman.

Of course it's an affair.

You need to block him.

It's grim to see how many women fall for this predictable shite. Or pretend to believe they have found a sparkly special bond while (I suspect) knowing better deep down.

The school/college mate reaching out to classmates over social media - amping up messaging towards an innocent catch-up in person and...oops - is just an online version of the creep at work who repeatedly tries to 'make a connection'.

How depressing to value yourself so little that you would respond to someone playing cheat roulette with anything but derision.

Regardless of whether it’s considered an affair or not, which it definitely is, you seem to believe that the one night stand was ok. Neither are ok! You knew what you were doing from day one. Yes, you are single, he is the one with the responsibility to his wife, but you have to take responsibility for your part in this. You both have no morals. He is using you.

OP this is not some great love affair, the conversational texts and fact you just can’t go NC are not a ‘sign’ that you’re taking your relationship to the next level, which I believe is what you’re trying to put across. It’s a sign you’re both developing an unhealthy addiction to the ego kibbles and validation you get from each other AND I suspect you may not be the first or only one. All of this is seedy, sad and abusive to his wife. You are participating in the abuse of another.

It has been said but affairs (whatever they look like) remove the personal agency and right to informed sexual consent from a betrayed. Alongside this, the utter devastation that comes from being repeatedly gaslit, lied to, manipulated and betrayed by the person who was supposed to keep you safe: leads to mental health crisis, a form of ptsd and broken families with all the horrors of children in real pain. The affair couple have a VERY poor chance of it working out of they do end up together, it’s really low.

They are not a route to happiness, far from it.

You need to block this man and move on. He is not safe for his wife and he is not safe for you but you know and can make an informed decision, she does not. That’s what is so painful about these threads.

As for the thread in general yet again this is an example of a woman knowing what she has done and that there is a human being being reduced to background noise for her ego kibbles and validation. I hope all the posters who constantly bleat on about poor women manipulated into affairs and how they ‘rarely know’ will take a step back and realise this is the most common type of OW! They know damn well what they are doing.

@PyongyangKipperbang has wise words.

It doesn't matter what you call it, how you justify it to your self or indeed the world via Mumsnet.

He is not a decent person. He is having his cake and eating it and by knowing his marital status doesn't elevate you to special. It merely shows that you are complicit in treating his wife and children like crap. It is not just the point where they find out about you and his deception. It starts much earlier. He is likely to be snappy, disengaged and causing tension as he manufactures a justification for his poor behaviour. They will be walking around on eggshells through no fault of theirs.

If it was the unavoidable crashing of fate that you have built it into he would have told his wife as soon as you got in touch.

Do your self respect a favour and put a stop to it. Otherwise you will always be the not quite good enough woman. Not when you were both single and not now when you are his puddle of mud / apple pie substitute.

The OP is as much a 'low quality' person as the man. She knew he was married

It's not hard to gauge what this is. You slept with him and have been constantly messaging and communicating with him. It's an affair. It's pretty black and white.

It's not good for anyone involved - being the other woman is shit and will break you.

Stop for yourself if nothing else.