Am I the other woman? Is this an affair?

[shackies]

Hello. I won’t waste time here, I’ll get straight into it.

In November, one of my old friends and I had a one night stand. It was the best sex I have ever had. So passionate and adventurous. However, he is married and I am separated.

Yes I know, it’s terrible. We went to school together and have known each other since we were 12. We reconnected around 15 months ago and have chatted on and off since.

We had flirted a bit online before he came to my house and we had sex. This has only happened once. Since then, we have spoken on and off. I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again. He would usually initiate it.

Recently, I told him I was finding the whole situation difficult and he agreed it was. We both also agreed that the whole no contact thing was something we both sucked at.

Over the past few days, communication has really ramped up. We speak from morning until bedtime and throughout the day. Lots of flirting, but nothing particularly romantic. We talk about our days and have general chit chat too. He likes to know what I am doing, watches my posts on social media, asks for pictures of me and asks about men pursuing me.

I know I have been naive, or just buried my head perhaps. This is beginning to feel like it’s developing.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here? Thanks.

i doubt it

i suspect this a naive and lonely woman. Who either has limited experience or her experience to date with men has been such that she has a very low benchmark.

This will happen again or similar to the Op i would hedge a bet

Pull your head out your arse, it's definitely an affair.

"dont be the other woman. Have some respect for his wife and yourself."

To some women the above will be no disincentive at all. Some women actively seek out married people because they are damaged and they see someone who is already in a relationship as "proof" of their worthiness if they can get them. It is usually a pattern and many women (I guess some men might do it as well to be honest) never grow out of it. The above phrase might have actually encouraged the OP to continue or to move onto another married man.

Yes, yes and yes.

Cool username btw Gnome!

You should be looking forward to blocking him actually- first because you can take it as a “spring clean” of your own low behaviour, but secondly because he really deserves the slap. You may have been selfishly complicit - and you have - but he is still just using you, and that doesn’t begin to describe what he is doing to her.

You knowingly slept with a married man and are still communicating with him?
Classy.

All the "we're so bad at no contact" shite. You're a grown up with autonomy.

Block his number then delete. Block him on everything. Stop being such a muppet.

It's not EVEN an affair. You don't go out anywhere with this bloke. All you are is a one-time shag to him, with the hope of a shag now and then.

It’s a seedy one off fuck followed by a couple of months of bored messaging

I almost vommed in my mouth at this. Stop with the stupid, fake, naivety. Everyone can see right through it.

Don't beat yourself up over this. It sounds like he knew exactly what to do to reel you in! It is weird he's following you on SM and trying to find out if you're seeing others, it's none of his business is it, he's married and has no claim on you at all! One- off sex is one thing, all this contact quite another, he sounds like a nightmare. If you gradually pay him less attention he'll probably wander off elsewhere. Otherwise block etc. - because if you carry on with this thing he will totally do your head in.

"I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start taking again. He would usually initiate it."

This statement makes no sense, At the click of a button you could be no contact, there's no trying involved. You obviously enjoy the attention.
You are definitely having an affair, you need to ask yourself why instead of seeking out someone available to date you are happy to get your kicks from an unavailable man whilst being partly responsible for hurting a woman who has done nothing to you.
Shitty behaviour!

"I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start taking again. He would usually initiate it."

Sounds like you are really easy to manipulate. I think you need some counselling to find some boundaries.

I know someone who took her own life while 5 months pregnant due to her husbands cheating.

He married the OW and cheated on her within a year

It does rather seem like you are being treated at best, like an unpaid escort.

Raise your bar and work on your self esteem.

Jesus. That is so dark and tragic. So sorry to read that.

It was a long time ago but it’s always haunted me.

It’s probably the reason I feel so strongly about cheating. The OW in this scenario was at least a decade his junior and he’d told her was separated.

I would tend to agree with those who suggest it isn't an affair and more like an unpaid escort. It sounds like it could develop into an affair maybe. It all sounds very seedy, immature, self-centred and disrespectful.

How did he make contact when you went 'no contact'?

Here is how I go NC:

I store the person's name as 'zSCAMMER' (the 'z' is to relegated it down the very end of my phone numbers) and it joins all the nuisance calls and scam calls and other blocked people I never wish to speak to. Then I press 'block'. Then I check the back and forth text message chain and I 'delete all' so there's no message history.

Works a treat.

Ask his wife if this counts as an affair.

Just a quick update.

I have blocked him on everything. There's no way for him to contact me again.

You are all completely right. My behaviour has been appalling and truly disgusting. Even the way I have behaved in this thread isn't ok. I have tricked myself into thinking I am naive and somewhat innocent, but it's fucking pathetic. I am not innocent and I see exactly what is happening here, thanks to you all.

Upon reflection, even the reasons behind posting this thread were vile. I wasn't consciously aware of it at the time, but as I have read through some of the comments, I can see my motives were fucked up.

I am not okay with this, and I am not okay with being this kind of woman. I want to be better.

Thank you all. I appreciate every single comment. It has woken me up.

@shackies

Well done. You're a brave and strong person to be able to look at a situation and see your part in it and have the humility and willingness to turn it around.

Loneliness or the desire to be truly loved can really pull on our heartstrings and mess with our heads.

I hope you find true love (or great sex!, whatever you're looking for) with someone who can come into the relationship with you on open, honest, and equal terms.

* I see exactly what is happening here, thanks to you all. *

Sp bloody weird that you needed a group of anonymous posters on mumsnet to reveal this to you.

It makes me worry what the hell you get up to otherwise

I agree with Agree. Well done for squaring up to the facts and being able to recognise the reality warp you’d fallen into. Just stay strong when he turns up on your doorstep … because that will be your next test.