Am I the other woman? Is this an affair?

[shackies]

Hello. I won’t waste time here, I’ll get straight into it.

In November, one of my old friends and I had a one night stand. It was the best sex I have ever had. So passionate and adventurous. However, he is married and I am separated.

Yes I know, it’s terrible. We went to school together and have known each other since we were 12. We reconnected around 15 months ago and have chatted on and off since.

We had flirted a bit online before he came to my house and we had sex. This has only happened once. Since then, we have spoken on and off. I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again. He would usually initiate it.

Recently, I told him I was finding the whole situation difficult and he agreed it was. We both also agreed that the whole no contact thing was something we both sucked at.

Over the past few days, communication has really ramped up. We speak from morning until bedtime and throughout the day. Lots of flirting, but nothing particularly romantic. We talk about our days and have general chit chat too. He likes to know what I am doing, watches my posts on social media, asks for pictures of me and asks about men pursuing me.

I know I have been naive, or just buried my head perhaps. This is beginning to feel like it’s developing.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here? Thanks.

Well done OPx x Stay strong.

Oh come on. Self reflection isn't always easy. Give her a break

Your faux naivety in the first post 'am I the OW?' is a bit irritating, because you know full well that shagging another woman's husband makes you the third person in their marriage.

I'm glad you've come to your senses, and you'll need to find something to fill your days now that his constant messaging and flirting has stopped.

Life is not easy and we all want an escape and validation.
We all make mistakes. These situations are easy to get in to as complex human beings and you reached out to get some outside perspective because we cannot always see things as they really are.

Wishing you all the best

I agree with you @Blondebutnotlegally she reached out gif help. She needed support. I didn’t like that comment by Spear either

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here?

If you were her and she you, what would you think?

Are you moving house too? Because your op says he came to yours so unless he was blindfolded he knows where you live, so not quite cut off all ways to contact you..

Glad you've had the sense to block him though.

Well she can’t exactly be expected to have moved house.
I didn’t like her post but she’s taken everyone’s comments on board and done what she ( realistically) can to put things right.

I just meant he'd still be able to contact her if he wanted.

Hopefully she'd tell him to sling his hook if he did turn up though.

Oh yeah - and I’m sure he will. I warned her the same above: next chapter is he’ll turn up all sincere and meaningful 🙏with puppy eyes 🥺. He won’t like not being the one to end it. But be strong OP. Do not fall back into the hole.

This guy is manipulative and has no respect for others/women. He has ignored your boundaries repeatedly. That isn't acceptable. He has not considered his wife at all, I bet, he is only interested in himself.

Forgive yourself, find something to distract you until you're over it - you might get withdrawal-like symptoms but know that they will pass in a few days. You're free! Bullet dodged!

A friend of mine ended up marrying her affair. It was a god awful marriage, she never trusted him, he always had roaming eyes. They argued relentlessly and then they split up. She ended up with nothing as the first wife had received much of his assets, she had ho pay to get rid of him basically. Hard lesson learnt.

When the mistress moves in, she leaves a vacant spot

And she deserves to be on the receiving end

Sounds like the karma bus rolled into town.

And ran her over!

Well she is 56 now and on the bones of her arse. I don’t think she knew how penniless he was after the divorce. She is very bitter now. It is karma. She can’t even complain as no one is interested and most people ditched her.

You are the other woman. If sleeping with another person's husband and constantly messaging them isn't an affair I don't know what is!
Deep down you surely must know its wrong. Even if he leaves his wife (which he should as she deserves better than this cheating scumbag) would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who would happily deceive their wife for a bit of gratification on the side?!

@Newchapterbeckons a cautionary tale for sure. I’d love if this happened to STBXH’s affair partner - I guess we can all dream.

My husband cheated on me and I didn't find out til 2 years later. It absolutely broke me, to the point I don't believe in love anymore.

To have done that, and still speak to him morning to night, flirting, texting pictures, yes she would view you as the other woman. She would be heartbroken.

mumroom6571

Indeed . I hope your heart is less broken now and you are healing?

I have seen that OP who are the ‘other women’ get very salty responses

your post really articulates why cheating hurts

@mumroom6571

I hope you are okay now. Did you seek counselling? Don’t accept any unmet needs bullshit. EMDR can really help with trauma. Infidelity can cause ptsd in some victims. If you are struggling you should start your own thread and see if we can give you some ideas.

You are the prize by the way. Nothing you did can make someone betray their values. Keeping your integrity, values and word is hard and you presumably made the choice, daily, to remain faithful. I have the same values and so many others do too. Be good to yourself. I hope you find peace and happiness. I am sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for your kind replies.

I was pregnant when he first did it and I didn't find out until I was pregnant with our second. The children are the only good things to come out of this. We tried individual counselling and couples counselling, several times, I really tried. But the lies were too much and I had to call it a day and he's now moved out.

Spending this year trying to focus on myself. It's so hard he was my best friend and I never would have seen this coming.

People like OP don't realise how badly this stuff hurts.

@mumroom6571

if you haven’t found the surviving infidelity website I suggest you look at it. They have a divorce section and lots of experienced posters. It is extremely slow in comparison to mumsnet but the responses are in the main very considered.

A few books to look at include:
How to help my spouse heal from my affair.
Not just friends by Shirley glass.
The body keeps the score.
Cheating in a nutshell.

They may seem irrelevant as you are divorcing but you may find understanding about you had no control over his actions may help you move forwards. I think the trauma aspect of infidelity needs to be more widely understood. My understanding and reading has helped me be a better friend (I hope). It’s not star crossed lovers under aligned moons who couldn’t help but fall into one another’s arms. It’s selfish choice after selfish choice made by a person whose values do not align with their words. Often a coward or someone with poor communication skills. An escapist or addict. A person with low self esteem and poor self control. Someone who needs external validation and ego kibbles as they cannot self soothe. A cliche. They are certainly not a sexy irresistible sex bomb. They are not partner material. It’s okay to not value monogamy, but say it out loud and don’t pretend it’s a value when it’s not.

Cheating is abusive and needs to be seen as abuse. Cheaters steal agency, consent, put physical and mental health at risk, and they steal precious time. I couldn’t ever date a man who had cheated on his spouse. Just like I wouldn’t date a man who had punched his wife (domestic violence used to be acceptable).

I hope you have a good 2024. Love yourself like your life depends on it by Ravikant is a great read too.

You're being a bit hard on yourself.

You messed up and did something selfish. You're doing the right thing and walking away. You obviously are sorry and won't do it again, and no one can ask more of you than that.

This man sounds quite bullish and controlling, and when your self esteem is low it's very easy for someone like that to take advantage.

You're going through a separation. That's one of the most stressful and painful things that you'll ever experience. It's not surprising you're not making the best decisions right now.

Please be kind to yourself. You deserve happiness.

You're carrying on an inappropriate relationship with someone's husband while legally married (separated isn't divorced) yourself.

This needs to permanently end. Delete his number and block him permanently. Cease all communication.

Focus on your life. Focus on getting a divorce (if you don't have one already) and working on yourself...

Obviously you have very low self esteem and self respect. Billions of single people and you intentionally choose a married man...and you label this kind of deceit as "adventurous".

Leave him alone before you get yourself harmed, terminated, with something lifelong that you can't get rid of..like a disease and/or child.

Same goes for him. He is equally disgusting, with low self esteem....

If his wife allows him being unfaithful, she has low self esteem too.