Am I the other woman? Is this an affair?

[shackies]

Hello. I won’t waste time here, I’ll get straight into it.

In November, one of my old friends and I had a one night stand. It was the best sex I have ever had. So passionate and adventurous. However, he is married and I am separated.

Yes I know, it’s terrible. We went to school together and have known each other since we were 12. We reconnected around 15 months ago and have chatted on and off since.

We had flirted a bit online before he came to my house and we had sex. This has only happened once. Since then, we have spoken on and off. I have tried to cut contact with him a couple of times but we always start talking again. He would usually initiate it.

Recently, I told him I was finding the whole situation difficult and he agreed it was. We both also agreed that the whole no contact thing was something we both sucked at.

Over the past few days, communication has really ramped up. We speak from morning until bedtime and throughout the day. Lots of flirting, but nothing particularly romantic. We talk about our days and have general chit chat too. He likes to know what I am doing, watches my posts on social media, asks for pictures of me and asks about men pursuing me.

I know I have been naive, or just buried my head perhaps. This is beginning to feel like it’s developing.

If you were his wife, would you consider this an affair? How would you recommend I move forward here? Thanks.

If you're being genuine about being remorseful and cutting him off...

Stay away from him and make sure that you don't go back.
Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you.

We all do things we regret and wish were irreversible all through out life... Learn this lesson, and grow from it. You are capable of changing and becoming a better version of yourself.

Thanks all!

He's still blocked and I resolve to do the right thing now. I am seeking counselling because my life is chaotic and messy and I allowed myself to participate in something that goes against my moral compass. There's clearly something here that needs to be worked through. It never truly felt right.

Thanks again.

It was an affair long before you had sex. You both sound like very self centred and unpleasant individuals.

@shackies

Good luck with the counselling. Sack off any counsellor who believes in unmet needs theory. You want a counsellor who has integrity and understands you need to maintain your own values even when you are going through a rough time. A persons own coping mechanisms and ability to self soothe is critical.

Your gut was obviously trying to tell you something wasn’t right. Maybe also consider why you chose not to listen to it? What did you think you were getting from him that was worth breaking your own values for? If it was ego boosts, for example, can you validate yourself or do you rely on external validation? Why did you believe the nonsense spurted from a cheaters mouth (he is a proven liar)? We are all capable of cheating (or being the OW) it’s a daily choice to remain faithful. Tinder is a tap away but I choose to be faithful for me because my values matter to me. My husband is collateral damage to my beliefs. I don’t remain faithful for him, he’s annoying at times, if I did it just for him I could then justify being unfaithful. He made me do it - we argued. Being faithful is for me, I’m happy with that. It makes me have clear boundaries.

I think the media/books/films etc show affairs as ‘true love’, caused by irresistible forces at work, star crossed lovers unable to control their destiny. It’s all bollocks. I know it sells films etc and a film about the true nature of affairs wouldn’t sell as well but It’s a shame people are not made aware of how affairs cause ptsd in victims.

‘Not just friends’ by Shirley Glass is a good book if you want to understand more about affairs. As is cheating in a nutshell. Love yourself like you life depends on it by Ravikant may help you if you want to feel good about yourself.

When I watch a film with cheating in I see a weak person with poor integrity and no self respect. If it’s a main character who we are meant to like it can ruin that character for me. I wonder why the affair partner is prepared to be hidden away and will accept being a dirty little secret. I certainly don’t see the cheater as a sex god or someone who’s irresistible. Just a low quality, duff partner, with poor boundaries.

Sadly cheaters often cast their net wide and take whoever is on offer. It’s not starcrossed lovers more whoever will put up with their nonsense and keep it quiet from their spouse and give them their ego kibbles. I see it as seedy and grim.

I hope your life improves op and you find peace.