Gutted friend doesn’t fancy him

[NancyLou89]

Hi, it’s my 1st time posting here, I was just wondering if I could get some opinions please.

So basically, my husband has had a crush on a woman we both know for years. I know it, all
his friends know it, she knows it, even her husband knows it to some degree.
Recently I was having a chat with her and she told me she fancied 1 of my husbands close friends. I pushed her to answer what she thought of my husband, and she said she didn’t fancy him whatsoever, he wasn’t her type etc.
I basically thought this was hilarious, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell him after all the years of little comments about her looks, trying to wind me up etc.

So I told him and he looked absolutely devastated. He kept asking me to repeat exactly what she said. He said he was gutted but I wouldn’t understand as it’s a ‘guy thing’. This was over a week ago and ever since he’s been really quiet and not himself, almost like he’s sulking. I don’t get what the problem is as we’re both married and so is the woman he fancies, so it’s not like anything would happen even if she did like him.

On 1 hand I feel a bit sorry for him as his ego has obviously taken a hit, but on the other hand why should he care what any woman thinks of him when he’s married to me, with 2 children I’ll add aswel.

N xx

OP, please ignore the posters saying hateful things to you to undermine your relationship. You’ve gone from writing a semi-serious post asking for advice on an idiot husband to appearing to question your marriage, all based on what ppl have said on here. Only you know what it’s like inside your marriage. I think ppl can get fairly carried away on here and enjoy all the drama and hyperbole. No one knows you or are emotionally invested so they have nothing to lose by criticising/mocking your relationship, making you feel
insecure and advising you to leave your marriage.

The bottom line is why you decided to write this post in the first place. Was it just a light-hearted - ‘look at what my arse of a husband has just gone and done, what a tool, he got his comeuppance!’ Or were you actually worried that there was something to worry about?

It would be wonderful to think our partners only had eyes for us. How we feel ourselves when seeing attractive ppl probably puts paid to that notion for a lot of ppl on here I’d have thought. The fact he’s been honest/verbal about it isn’t necessarily anything to worry about IMO. It might have become a silly joke that he uses to wind you up every so often. Annoying, out of order arguably, but nothing more serious. I have a question though - do you ever tell him who YOU find attractive? And if so how has he responded?

I think some ppl can be incredibly tactless - men and women. I suppose if your husband seriously intended on leaving you for this woman - would he be giving you such a blatant heads up? The old adage - those who can DO those who can’t - TALK comes to mind. Unless he has given you other cause for concern I’d try not to let this get to you (easier said than done, I know). Have you asked him to stop mentioning her? Maybe if it happens again it’s time you did, although he’ll probably be less inclined to do so in the future as it sounds as tho he’s been rather humiliated.

She's not the "back up", you are.

He's basically told you that he fancies her but she's out of his league.

Do you really think if she came onto him, he wouldn't act on it?

This is a seriously dysfunctional relationship.

You don't listen to anything that's been said anyway - all you do is to post more nonsense about how 'gutted' the poor lamb is. You are the one sitting back and doing nothing, as though this is normal behaviour (which it 'ain't). The three of you seem to deserve each other. How any woman with a backbone could listen to his delusional ramblings about how 'gutted' he is beggars belief. Show some pride.

'cuz it mite'
Dear sodding god

You didn't ask for any advice. You just showed us what a pathetic marriage you have

It isn't even normal for 14 year olds. My 11 year old DSD has a "boyfriend" and I don't even think she would have these discussions with her friends. The strangest thing I have read in a long time!!!

Who are you talking to? You're not using the quote function so it's impossible to tell.

It sounds like you've intentionally tried to cause drama by asking this blameless married woman if she fancies other people, including your husband, and then reported back to your husband what she's said, not just about him but another man too. I would be very embarrassed if I was her, that you'd passed on what I'd said. Now he's upset by her "rejection," you're upset by his reaction, but it doesn't sound like he's actually been inappropriate at all, just hurt that you've both been slagging him off behind his back.

Sure Jan

@NancyLou89, I am wondering how things are going for you now.

We’re currently on a break. I think that was the minimum that needed to happen. He told me he won’t get with anyone else cuz we’re the only 2 woman he’s attracted to, and he has tunnel vision for us both. Very bizarre.

Hit the nail on the head there. Bizarre isn't the world for the whole thing!

Still, if you're one of the only two women in the world he's attracted to, that's great (I think). 🙄

This whole situation sounds completely pathetic and childish. I cannot believe none of you are teenagers to be honest.

It is absolutely crazy. I get guys have a soft spot, hold a flame, or whatever you want to call it, for certain woman, but comparing every other woman to someone, who’s not even me. It will be interesting if he secretly messages her now. I’m sure she would tell me.

So if you're still asking for advice, mine would be to make that break permanent. Never make yourself a priority for someone who sees you as an option.

At least he’s consistent! (And weirdly loyal to this woman given the rejection.) It would be interesting to see what would happen if the did get together - she would clearly not match up to the fantasy version he has created in his head and he would become seriously disillusioned. But it seems he won’t admit defeat just yet despite the embarrassment. I hope he proves that you’re really the one for him OP, but if I were you I’d keep my romantic options open….

What?

"What would you thinkn about fucking my husband?"

He told me…he has tunnel vision for us both.

…but comparing every other woman to someone, whose not even me.

Yes, it’s totally bizarre and unacceptable. It’s like he’s been leading a real life with you while deeply investing in a parallel fantasy life featuring her. He has placed her on a pedestal and in his eyes she is beyond compare — and for years he’s let you (and others) know that, which is a shitty thing to do to your Wife.

Taking a break was a wise move, @NancyLou89. He can leave and be obsessed with her out of your presence. What a fool he is.

The fact that he still ‘seems interested’, makes me wonder, has their been past conversations between them that has made him think he may have a chance. I can’t see why he’d stay interested knowing she isn’t.

I was on your side (even happy to hear she 100% would never do anything as he's not her type)
But you lost me completely with running home to tell him then responding repeatedly to him asking what she specifically said ?????????????

Makes me think.
A) Your relationship has been dead a long time & his involvement with you is very much a social thing (keeps him in touch with the wider group of people he likes/odd 1 he fancies)

B) your friend is aware of your problems & would never intrude regardless of how any of you felt (bloody right decision there!)

C) you like to phsyc each other up with any & all topics you have

@NancyLou89 I think the question is why are YOU still interested in him? Why aren’t you focusing on getting away from him and leaving this strange situation behind you?

The fact that he still ‘seems interested,’ makes me wonder, has there been past conversations between them that has made him think he may have a chance.

@NancyLou89, I’ve been wondering the same. He was so stunned and taken aback on hearing her words, as they clearly don’t compute with his belief system. It does make one question if something said between them has fueled his long-term obsession.

Do you know if they’ve ever met up 1:1 or messaged each other? You mentioned her telling you years ago that he’d been giving her ‘looks.’ Perhaps during those times something mutually flirty was said.

Regardless of what, if anything, has fueled his ardor for her, he has continually put you on the back foot about it. He’s a nasty piece of work who is still claiming to have equal ‘tunnel vision’ for you both, even as he leaves for your break from each other … a break that I would make permanent.

I think there’s been plenty of times where they have been alone. My husbands a contractor and has done various bits to her house. There’s also been times they’ve been drinking alone as I’ve gone home and he’s decided to stay out. Her husband would sometimes leave them chatting if he knew other people out and would join the other friends for a while. So I’m sure something was said to turn his head. But I’m past even caring now tbh.