Gutted friend doesn’t fancy him

[NancyLou89]

Hi, it’s my 1st time posting here, I was just wondering if I could get some opinions please.

So basically, my husband has had a crush on a woman we both know for years. I know it, all
his friends know it, she knows it, even her husband knows it to some degree.
Recently I was having a chat with her and she told me she fancied 1 of my husbands close friends. I pushed her to answer what she thought of my husband, and she said she didn’t fancy him whatsoever, he wasn’t her type etc.
I basically thought this was hilarious, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell him after all the years of little comments about her looks, trying to wind me up etc.

So I told him and he looked absolutely devastated. He kept asking me to repeat exactly what she said. He said he was gutted but I wouldn’t understand as it’s a ‘guy thing’. This was over a week ago and ever since he’s been really quiet and not himself, almost like he’s sulking. I don’t get what the problem is as we’re both married and so is the woman he fancies, so it’s not like anything would happen even if she did like him.

On 1 hand I feel a bit sorry for him as his ego has obviously taken a hit, but on the other hand why should he care what any woman thinks of him when he’s married to me, with 2 children I’ll add aswel.

N xx

Try harder this is Basic.

I can just see you gleefully clapping hands and rubbing them together. Must have really pleased you. You didn't need to tell him you knew how she felt, you wanted to rub it in and could have figured he'd be upset. That was what you wanted.

It's bizarre that this adoration of her has been going on "for years" though and the relationship does not sound healthy.

What the fuck! Literally never happened in my many friendship groups.

It's pretty much day to day life for a man that he wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to have sex with him. Men want lots of sex with lots of random partners its biological. He's spent his whole life fancying women who don't want him.

So his reaction is over the top. It's likely that because he knows her that its more than he is attracted sexually, that he is emotionally attracted too. He thought she felt that spark and that's why he's upset. He's feeling like he's stupid because he misread it and that he's been rejected and his little fantasy world of a backup plan if you separate has gone down the tubes.

It's all very odd how you've gone about it though.

There's an expression let sleeping dogs lie for a reason.

You've kicked the dogs and now something will happen. Most likely he will at some point speak to her about it and god knows what will follow. You've created a bunch of problems for yourself that was unnecessary just so you could gleefully get one over on him by telling him that your friend doesn' fancy him.

Either is some cuckold, cool girl shit or you don't love your husband...

Ha ha yeas I do in comparison to this nonsense @Findinlovee ..you need to raise your bar.

Anyone I’ve spoken to thinks it’s strange, not that he’s attracted to other woman, but he’s actually telling me, and on more than 1 occasion. What does he think the end product would be, a threesome? Or I’m going to turn round and say ‘yes go and shag her to get it out of your system’.

@NancyLou89

Anyone I’ve spoken to thinks it’s strange, not that he’s attracted to other woman, but he’s actually telling me, and on more than 1 occasion.

The only time this ahs happened to me was a bf when I was at college who I later realised was doing it to make me insecure. He was v. insecure and was scared I would leave him (he was punching big time but in the way you don't see it when you are young, I wasn't aware). so he went out of his way to make me feel insecure by tellign me how other women in his class were attractive and hinting they were into him.

It's shitty.

Same. I had a boyfriend as a teenager who did it, and it was totally intended to make me insecure and grateful for him being with me.

Alas for him, I was not grateful. I dumped him.

@NancyLou89 rather than inflaming the situation it would help expose his bad behaviour directly, by telling him how it has made you feel when he fawns over your friend, how it devalues your marriage, how it makes you feel worthless, humiliated, unloved, substitute with your own description.

at least come clean with the unvarnished truth, rather than retaliate and lower yourself to his level.

And 100% it's a tactic used to make someone feel insecure and give the perpetrator a warped sense of power. The trouble is they keep having to repeat and repeat to keep up the intensity of the effect which grinds the other person down and when it's happened to me there was a straw that broke the camel's back. Your DH clearly thinks he can keep on doing it and doesn't think it will ever cause you to question your relationship - he'd better watch out!

I'd wonder if it was narcissistic triangulation - when toxic people use another woman to make you feel 'not enough'. It can be their ex, your friend, Heck even a woman on the TV. It's deliberate. They mention things to make you feel compared or like they might leave you for that person if it were possible. It would explain why he keeps mentioning her. Its a common abuse tactic.

However, based on his reaction it sounds more like he saw her as a back up wife for when you two split at some point tbh... unless this is just further to drive home that she's 'the one that got away'.

Has there been other nasty behaviour from him?
Eg, comments about your looks that make you feel bad about yourself.

It's strange that you post in a matter of fact way about your friends group all fancying each other although all married. Like you are not batting an eyelid at it. Even weirder, you are all gossiping about it to each other, like non of you have any respect for each other, but underneath it all you are just going to cause yourselves unnecessary anxiety.
Might as well chuck your keys in a bowl and see how it goes. Your DH and friends are odd. Which one do you fancy other than your DH? 😂

If my DH fancied another woman, I would kick his sorry ass out🙄

Seconded

And then husband took off with friend and they lived happily ever after.

OP, are you really this naïve/stupid or is this a wind-up? Have you ever heard of 'hiding in plain sight'?

I can’t believe all these married people talking about fancying each other’s spouses. And you OP, sound nasty as well, why would you get pleasure in telling your husband not nice things that were said about him.

Oh dear... You should probably kick him out then. You're utterly deluded if you think he's never fancied another woman during your marriage! He's just had the sense - as most people do - not to shout if from the rooftops like the OP and her circle seem to!

rubbish, I know he hasnt🙄

Are you all drunk swingers or something? It's very weird you discuss this and fixate on this woman so much.

Have you been married about a fortnight?

If you’re that sure I think you must have been.

How can you be happy being married to someone who has a thing about another woman and doesn't even try to hide it?

37 years thanks

I’ll just clarify, me and my friends don’t sit around all day talking about fancying each others boyfriends / husbands. Obviously when a friend 1st gets with someone and they ask you what you think you’ll give your opinion. Other than that it will just be a random passing comment, like so and so is looking good from the gym, or so and so’s beard or hair is looking good / better atm.

I mentioned to him a while back I was thinking of joining the gym. He said I should get a gym friend to keep me motivated, and then went on to mention this woman. Saying shes obviously physically fit. I asked him now he knew and he said he could tell by looking at her, and he’d looked at her holiday photos online and there was 1 where she ‘had abs’. Alarm bells should have started ringing then tbh.