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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gutted friend doesn’t fancy him

239 replies

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 09:43

Hi, it’s my 1st time posting here, I was just wondering if I could get some opinions please.

So basically, my husband has had a crush on a woman we both know for years. I know it, all
his friends know it, she knows it, even her husband knows it to some degree.
Recently I was having a chat with her and she told me she fancied 1 of my husbands close friends. I pushed her to answer what she thought of my husband, and she said she didn’t fancy him whatsoever, he wasn’t her type etc.
I basically thought this was hilarious, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell him after all the years of little comments about her looks, trying to wind me up etc.

So I told him and he looked absolutely devastated. He kept asking me to repeat exactly what she said. He said he was gutted but I wouldn’t understand as it’s a ‘guy thing’. This was over a week ago and ever since he’s been really quiet and not himself, almost like he’s sulking. I don’t get what the problem is as we’re both married and so is the woman he fancies, so it’s not like anything would happen even if she did like him.

On 1 hand I feel a bit sorry for him as his ego has obviously taken a hit, but on the other hand why should he care what any woman thinks of him when he’s married to me, with 2 children I’ll add aswel.

N xx

OP posts:
AlohaRose · 14/01/2024 11:09

BrassOlive · 14/01/2024 09:49

Huh, I didn't know 12 year olds could marry.

Exactly this.

daisychain01 · 14/01/2024 11:09

I basically thought this was hilarious, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell him after all the years of little comments about her looks, trying to wind me up etc.

So I told him and he looked absolutely devastated. He kept asking me to repeat exactly what she said. He said he was gutted but I wouldn’t understand as it’s a ‘guy thing’.

I question your motives for tripping over yourself to tit-for-tat goad your husband, and his for rising to the bait. 100% you're both in a toxic relationship and you're reaping what you both sow. You clearly hate each other.

i can't imagine having any such conversation with my DH, thank goodness!

Knittedfairies2 · 14/01/2024 11:09

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:04

I don’t know why she would lie?? Most of my friends have asked for my opinion on their boyfriends / husbands and I’ve been honest about it.

Are you sure you're not 12? I've never been asked, or asked, what friends thought about my husband.

Daleksatemyshed · 14/01/2024 11:10

Your DH didn't realize that you knew he fancied your friend, he thought he'd been subtle and it was his secret probably. Even if it was never ever going to happen he's had this fantasy for years, now you've crushed it and he feels sad and humiliated.

Findinlovee · 14/01/2024 11:10

Yes because you must lead such a perfect life daisychain01

PubicZirconia · 14/01/2024 11:10

You asked for criticism of him then repeated it to him?Nasty.

PeggySooo · 14/01/2024 11:10

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:04

I don’t know why she would lie?? Most of my friends have asked for my opinion on their boyfriends / husbands and I’ve been honest about it.

Do you not think this is a little naive? Just because you don't lie, doesn't mean other people dont

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 14/01/2024 11:11

Sunnydays0101 · 14/01/2024 11:05

I’d just wouldn’t even try work out what this woman thinks. What she thinks or doesn’t think is no concern of yours.

What should concern you is the lack of respect yourself and your DH have towards one another. You both sound immature and juvenile.

100%

Ignore the woman and either work on, or leave, your dysfunctional marriage.

I can honestly say that my DH has never made digs/comments comparing my appearance to that of my friends or any other women. And I haven't done it to him. Nor have either of us ever asked our friends if they fancied our partner.

ChinaInYourHands · 14/01/2024 11:12

wtf

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 14/01/2024 11:12

Findinlovee · 14/01/2024 11:10

Yes because you must lead such a perfect life daisychain01

She's spot on that this is a toxic, dysfunctional marriage though.

DriftingDora · 14/01/2024 11:13

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:04

I don’t know why she would lie?? Most of my friends have asked for my opinion on their boyfriends / husbands and I’ve been honest about it.

People lie for all sorts of reasons - often to side-step the truth. But the whole situation is so weird - and the thing about him going off into a major sulk - well, that's pathetic.

PeggySooo · 14/01/2024 11:13

In the best-case scenario, he's sulking because he now knows he won't get a chance with her.

In the worst, he's already been with her and is insulted she would say this about him after the fact. However, to me, it's obvious she would say that to cover her tracks.

Theres no good option for you though OP. He is disrespecting you and your marriage, both publicly and privately.

SoFineOkay · 14/01/2024 11:13

TeaKitten · 14/01/2024 09:47

Sounds very toxic. Him openly fancying someone else, you getting her to tell you exactly what she thinks of him, finding it funny and running home to tell him so you can damage his ego. Guess you two suit eachother.

Plus him enjoying winding her up by talking about how much he fancies another woman. Don't forget that part...

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 11:13

Is it normal for her to tell me she thought he fancied her? I don’t think I would tell my friend this unless he had acted a certain way and crossed the line.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/01/2024 11:15

Findinlovee · 14/01/2024 11:10

Yes because you must lead such a perfect life daisychain01

You don't have to lead a "perfect life" to not want to feed into toxicity and not want to harm the person you're mean to care about, but you cling onto your view, it's what matters most.

Doesn't float my boat, and yes, a harmonious life means not deliberately poking my husband with a pointy stick to get a reaction.

HideTheCroissants · 14/01/2024 11:15

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:04

I don’t know why she would lie?? Most of my friends have asked for my opinion on their boyfriends / husbands and I’ve been honest about it.

This is not how adults behave! This is how teens behave! My friends and I never ask each other what we think of each others husbands - that would be ridiculous.

Findinlovee · 14/01/2024 11:15

TarantinoIsAMisogynist yes toxic due to her husband. And good for her for sticking it to him.

SamW98 · 14/01/2024 11:15

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 11:13

Is it normal for her to tell me she thought he fancied her? I don’t think I would tell my friend this unless he had acted a certain way and crossed the line.

Surely this is a contradiction to your previous comment that you all ask whether you fancy each others partners

BeardyButton · 14/01/2024 11:16

You both sound terribly immature.

wellhello24 · 14/01/2024 11:17

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:32

I’ve obviously had discussions with him in the past telling him I’m not happy with it, and he just said everyone finds other people attractive outside their relationship, it’s ‘normal’. Which is true, but I don’t need to be reminded of it a couple of times every month or so.

He doesn’t just find her attractive does he. He’s clearly got big feelings for her. I can’t understand why you seem ok with this. I’d be out the door

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 14/01/2024 11:18

Findinlovee · 14/01/2024 11:15

TarantinoIsAMisogynist yes toxic due to her husband. And good for her for sticking it to him.

The solution to a toxic husband is not to engage in tit for tat point scoring so that you can "stick it to him" - that in itself is just heaping more toxicity on to the pile.

The solution is to leave.

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 11:18

We’ve discussed what we thought of each others partners, not whether we think each others partners are attracted to us or anyone else.

OP posts:
Stressedafff · 14/01/2024 11:18

Why have you stayed with a man that keeps making comments about her, making it obvious he has something for her. What an ick

DriftingDora · 14/01/2024 11:19

wellhello24 · 14/01/2024 11:17

He doesn’t just find her attractive does he. He’s clearly got big feelings for her. I can’t understand why you seem ok with this. I’d be out the door

The whole thing is bizarre, and all three involved seem to think it's perfectly normal behaviour! Hiding in plain sight comes to mind, and I think the OP is being taken for a ride here.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 14/01/2024 11:19

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 11:18

We’ve discussed what we thought of each others partners, not whether we think each others partners are attracted to us or anyone else.

This still isn't normal for anyone over the age of 14.