Gutted friend doesn’t fancy him

[NancyLou89]

Hi, it’s my 1st time posting here, I was just wondering if I could get some opinions please.

So basically, my husband has had a crush on a woman we both know for years. I know it, all
his friends know it, she knows it, even her husband knows it to some degree.
Recently I was having a chat with her and she told me she fancied 1 of my husbands close friends. I pushed her to answer what she thought of my husband, and she said she didn’t fancy him whatsoever, he wasn’t her type etc.
I basically thought this was hilarious, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell him after all the years of little comments about her looks, trying to wind me up etc.

So I told him and he looked absolutely devastated. He kept asking me to repeat exactly what she said. He said he was gutted but I wouldn’t understand as it’s a ‘guy thing’. This was over a week ago and ever since he’s been really quiet and not himself, almost like he’s sulking. I don’t get what the problem is as we’re both married and so is the woman he fancies, so it’s not like anything would happen even if she did like him.

On 1 hand I feel a bit sorry for him as his ego has obviously taken a hit, but on the other hand why should he care what any woman thinks of him when he’s married to me, with 2 children I’ll add aswel.

N xx

@LouMorris

Have you been married about a fortnight?

If you’re that sure I think you must have been.

To be fair, he could be asexual.

Lordy are you still flogging this convoluted post. Do you like the drama?

It's like neither of you get out much. There are many attractive fit women everywhere these days what is this intense fixation on her?

@NancyLou89 what a very strange thread. It doesn’t sound like you are in a mature or respectful relationship, why are you with someone who openly has a major crush on someone else and the whole world knows it too, why would you take such delight in her saying she didn’t fancy your partner like you are school children and why have you been playing along with this very weird set up for all these years?? I’m just baffled by the whole thing.

In my world, when a friend asks what I think of her new partner, she means, "Do you think he seems like a nice person/good match for me?"

Not "Do you find him attractive enough to want to shag him yourself?"

Most people do not care or comment on what their friends' partners look like.

I think I agree - batshit doesn't begin to describe it. This must be a classic thread, the story just gets better and better.

I'm waiting for the film to come out.....

A bad case of Mentionitis I'm afraid. For which there is no cure. Sorry.

get out while the going's good.

She’s the most he’s been attracted to someone that he hasn’t got with apparently.

@NancyLou89, your Husband is a nasty piece of work for telling you that. He has no regard or care for your feelings or boundaries.

Your Friend told you about his thirsty behavior ages ago, but you dismissed it. Nevertheless, the truth eventually emerged when he started goading you about his fancying/idolizing her. A couple of times per month, you say? And after you expressed discomfort at his utter contempt, he normalized his entitlement and continued? That was totally narcissistic behavior meant to destabilize you, and it warranted consequences. [@Pinkbonbon is spot on re triangulation.]

At this point, everyone in your social circle knows about his long-term fixation. Not only is H drooling over Friend in person, he is perving over her photos … and is likely fantasizing about her when in your presence. Knowing that she is unhappily married would be a very significant development for him.

Friend may have been truthful about not being attracted to H, and her words, which you happily delivered, have devastated him. He appeared to be
mind-boggled by disbelief. (Did you also tell him that she fancies his friend?) He has clearly harbored beliefs that she felt the same fire and connection. That he acknowledged feeling ‘gutted’ is another slap in your face, so his agenda of disrespect continues.

I agree with others that you are naive to believe that being married with children protects fidelity. Thousands of MN threads detailing emotional and physical infidelity tell a different story. After years of H’s appalling boundary crossing, I certainly wouldn’t trust that he would stay faithful if Friend ever gives him the green light.

@NancyLou89, there’s no way that I would stay with a man who is obsessed with another woman, has repeatedly degraded me by going on about her, and is now crushed by the possibility that she doesn’t reciprocate his feelings and attraction. (He may be skeptical that she was being truthful.) You have every right to feel outraged and shattered. Please do not accept his manipulative accusation that you’re being OTT. He just wants to cow you so you’ll move back into your lane.

Are you actually going to sit by and watch his pining and sulking?

Weird.

@WashedUpHasBeen

37 years thanks

How are you so sure what goes on in your DHs head. I expect you think he never masturbates either!

Yes I told him she fancied his friend. I don’t know what he seemed more gutted about, the fact she didn’t like him, or that she was attracted to his friend. Ironically his friend has 2 children also but his relationship isn’t great atm. Maybe he’s thinking there’s a possibility they may get together which I guess would devastate him after all the presumable chats and conversations he’s had about her to him in the past.

OP doesn't actually answer the questions - it's just more guff about how 'gutted' her husband is! Oh dear, how sad for him - never mind.

Actually shocked by the amount of nasty comments with little to no real advice. Let’s just hope all your perfect husbands don’t ever do anything like this to any of you in the future.

@NancyLou89, this is really messed up. He has spent years carrying on about his fantasy girlfriend to you, his friend, and others. Even she noticed his ogling. Now he is shattered that she isn’t attracted to him, yet does fancy that friend and could possibly get together with him. He actually sounds heartbroken.

How are you handling this now, @NancyLou89? The disrespect he has shown you, then and now, is monumental. Can you stay with him knowing all the above?

You are going to be burn by the fire you are feeding.

@NancyLou89, I just saw your update about the lack of advice.

My advice? Show him the door.

Talking to him gets you nowhere. You’ve expressed your (valid) upset re his gutted reaction, but he batted you away by calling you OTT. In the past you repeatedly expressed your discomfort about his going on about his adoration of this woman — but each time he devalued your feelings and said talking about his fancying her is normal (it’s not), and he kept it up. In truth, he enjoyed goading you and humiliating you by broadcasting his infatuation to all and sundry. That was emotional abuse.

As he is narcissistic and egocentric, talking doesn’t work, and counseling cannot change his cruel nature. In your shoes, I would kick him out and end the marriage.

You didn’t ask for any advice.

He said in a further conversation, why would he end his marriage to me over him being attracted to someone. ‘It’s not like I have a chance with her she’s way out of my league.’. He then went on to say I was out of his league too, but clearly a nicer person as i went for personality aswel as looks…. Is this like 10 red flags in 1?

Ok, I’m shocked at the amount of nasty comments then from all these clearly perfect marriages.

It's not about perfect husbands or perfect marriages OP. What you're telling us is weird.

Unless you're swingers, then I would sorta get it.

I agree.

It’s not people being nasty it’s people who genuinely don’t understand the behaviour of you and your partner. It’s just weird behaviour all round.

I don't understand this situation.

Your husband openly being infatuated with another woman is not okay.

She sounds a head fuck.

He sounds like something has fed his crush but now she is cold shouldering him.

Sorry OP, I think something is very off here. I think something happened between them then she cut him dead. He is behaving like her words were more hurtful and has had a far deeper reaction than a casual crush. 💐

Not “I would never act on my crush” then, just that he can’t get her so you should relax.

@NancyLou89, just focus on the posters offering empathy and support. I doubt that anyone here has a ‘perfect’ marriage, but your situation is beyond the pale. Your H is gaga over this woman and everyone is aware. He knew his comments were hurting you but he refused to stop. He had an agenda to diminish you.

His callous remark ‘Why should I end our marriage, it’s not like I have a chance with her’ was horrible. It clearly conveys that she is his ideal woman and he wishes he did have a chance. He never says that he wouldn’t go there. His subsequent devastation on hearing her declaration shows that he actually believed/hoped that she did share his frisson and attraction. His extreme reaction indicates a deep investment.

You have to decide if there will be consequences.

Agree. How the fuck do you put up with him having this level of crush on another woman? Why would you put up with it? Why?