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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gutted friend doesn’t fancy him

239 replies

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 09:43

Hi, it’s my 1st time posting here, I was just wondering if I could get some opinions please.

So basically, my husband has had a crush on a woman we both know for years. I know it, all
his friends know it, she knows it, even her husband knows it to some degree.
Recently I was having a chat with her and she told me she fancied 1 of my husbands close friends. I pushed her to answer what she thought of my husband, and she said she didn’t fancy him whatsoever, he wasn’t her type etc.
I basically thought this was hilarious, I couldn’t wait to go home and tell him after all the years of little comments about her looks, trying to wind me up etc.

So I told him and he looked absolutely devastated. He kept asking me to repeat exactly what she said. He said he was gutted but I wouldn’t understand as it’s a ‘guy thing’. This was over a week ago and ever since he’s been really quiet and not himself, almost like he’s sulking. I don’t get what the problem is as we’re both married and so is the woman he fancies, so it’s not like anything would happen even if she did like him.

On 1 hand I feel a bit sorry for him as his ego has obviously taken a hit, but on the other hand why should he care what any woman thinks of him when he’s married to me, with 2 children I’ll add aswel.

N xx

OP posts:
GammonAndEggs · 14/01/2024 09:44

Bizarre.

Duh · 14/01/2024 09:46

Absolutely nothing sounds healthy or normal in this post. Nothing.

WannaBeABillionnaire · 14/01/2024 09:46

I would get the serious ick.

clpsmum · 14/01/2024 09:46

You feel sorry for your husband that your friend doesn't fancy him. This is such a strange post

TeaKitten · 14/01/2024 09:47

Sounds very toxic. Him openly fancying someone else, you getting her to tell you exactly what she thinks of him, finding it funny and running home to tell him so you can damage his ego. Guess you two suit eachother.

Seadreamers · 14/01/2024 09:49

You both sound odd for being married and thinking it’s ok for him to openly fancy another married woman, and then he gets all depressed because you drilled said woman on what she thinks of your husband and told him. Sounds very screwed up.

BrassOlive · 14/01/2024 09:49

Huh, I didn't know 12 year olds could marry.

perfectcolourfound · 14/01/2024 09:49

Yes, bizarre. You don't mind that your husband has an open crush on your friend. Everyone knows it, including the friend. Why are you OK with that?

Then to ask your friend if she fancies your husband is weird.

You shouldn't take your answer at face value by the way. Would you tell a friend you fancy their husband? Especially if the husband has a crush on you - wouldn't you feel like you shoudl reassure them you aren't interested (even if you are)?

Then your husband's response. It sounds like he thought she fancies him (see point above) and is crushed. Or they're both pretending for your benefit.

Singingasong · 14/01/2024 09:50

Why is it common knowledge that he has a crush on your friend? Also why did you ask her what she thought and then find it hilarious?

SamW98 · 14/01/2024 09:52

What an absolutely bizarre post. The whole scenario is weird as fuck

Xmastime2023 · 14/01/2024 09:52

They’ve banged.

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 09:52

Just comments and little sly remarks he’s made over the years about her. So I thought it was funny cuz it mite shut him up about it.

OP posts:
Csharpminor · 14/01/2024 09:53

Reading between the lines...
He's emotionally checked out, possible mid-life crises and you're angry but attached and don't want to leave. Just a matter of time until one of you does, unless you both make a major change.

AgentJohnson · 14/01/2024 09:54

This sounds all kinds of weird and dysfunctional.

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 09:54

I’m absolutely not ok with him fancying any woman. But there’s just nothing I can really do about it, as long as he keeps it in his head. Which he generally does apart from every now and again when he makes dick comments about her.

OP posts:
LouMorris · 14/01/2024 09:54

What a horrible thing to do, to your friend and your husband.

If you’re pissed iff that he has a crush on her, deal with that. Don’t put her in the middle of it and force her to say unpleasant things about him so that you can use it as a stick to beat him with.

FitAt50 · 14/01/2024 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 14/01/2024 09:57

Nothing about any of this is healthy.

He's been making digs and comments at you over the years, comparing you to your friend. And you couldn't wait to tell him she doesn't fancy him, in order to score a point off him.

Happy couples don't treat each other like this.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 14/01/2024 09:58

Csharpminor · 14/01/2024 09:53

Reading between the lines...
He's emotionally checked out, possible mid-life crises and you're angry but attached and don't want to leave. Just a matter of time until one of you does, unless you both make a major change.

This sounds about right, tbh.

AndOnAndOn1000 · 14/01/2024 09:59

@NancyLou89
It serves him right.

Not at all good or healthy for you to have to witness his extreme reaction to her comments.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 14/01/2024 09:59

So it's OK to openly admit fancying someone else then get upset it's not mutual. You think this is acceptable?

What would be the result of this if she said she did fancy him? Him bragging or more ....

SamW98 · 14/01/2024 10:01

LouMorris · 14/01/2024 09:54

What a horrible thing to do, to your friend and your husband.

If you’re pissed iff that he has a crush on her, deal with that. Don’t put her in the middle of it and force her to say unpleasant things about him so that you can use it as a stick to beat him with.

Absolutely agree. It’s spiteful and horribly immature.

If I was the friend I’d be distancing myself

Dotchange · 14/01/2024 10:02

OP why did you ask the woman?

Why do you think she would be truthful.

So messed up on so many levels

NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:02

I would never tell him, I’d just watch out for how they acted together when out in a group setting if I knew the feeling was mutual.

OP posts:
NancyLou89 · 14/01/2024 10:04

I don’t know why she would lie?? Most of my friends have asked for my opinion on their boyfriends / husbands and I’ve been honest about it.

OP posts: