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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

158 replies

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 09:12

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 14/01/2024 09:24

OP have you sought legal advice? The home is jointly owned so you need to know your options.
Similarly what is he contributing to the mortgage, bills etc.
Are you continuing to be his housekeeper whilst he is living the life of a single petulant child? Dong his cooking washing etc?
It sounds like he is calling all the shots and you are jumping to his tune. That’s not healthy and won’t get him to move out.
Get some advice - legal and financial.
This no man’s land you are in sounds an unpleasant place for you but Disney land for him
Take care x

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/01/2024 09:25

OP I should have said tell your family and friends they will be an invaluable support for you and your children x

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:03

Thank you. Yes you are spot on. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:04

Thank you. I told them over the weekend.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 14/01/2024 10:07

If you’re not married it will be a 50-50, nothing you can do about that, unlike marriage when there can be some negotiation. I’d get the house on the market and plans to get away from this guy. Don’t engage in any texting with him when he’s so rude like that

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:10

It is just all so bizarre. Like he has had a personality transplant. Like I have no idea who he is. I can't understand how this is my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:10

Zanatdy · 14/01/2024 10:07

If you’re not married it will be a 50-50, nothing you can do about that, unlike marriage when there can be some negotiation. I’d get the house on the market and plans to get away from this guy. Don’t engage in any texting with him when he’s so rude like that

I know. 50% is fine. Tight but I will be fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:12

In this case, not being married is as I said both a blessing and a curse. Shame about the equity but as I am a high earner and he is currently not working at least I don't need to pay him support.

I support us all financially anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:13

It is so bizarre. We share a home, a life yet I don't recognise ant of the things he says. I genuinly dont.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 14/01/2024 10:14

If the house is in both your names then he will be entitled to half.
Withdraw all financial support and if he wishes to continue living in the family home he needs to pay half of the mortgage and all bills. If he cannot then he moves out.
Stop doing any household tasks for him, washing, cooking etc.
Divide the week in half in terms of childcare. He takes the children all of every other weekend plus half the week days so you’ll get your time for the gym etc. he doesn’t get to go every day anymore. He has children to look after now, they are not just your responsibility anymore. Basically anything you used to do to facilitate his life you stop that now and speak to a mortgage advisor about buying him out of the home or get the house on the market

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/01/2024 10:14

Don't wait for him, get the ball rolling yourself.

If your selling get the estate agents involved

If your buying him out get moving

It's not under his control, the control is yours

Livinghappy · 14/01/2024 10:15

Who provides childcare now? Did you buy the house as joint tenants?

He is ahead of you emotionally as likely to be planning this for a while. It will take you a while to catch up. For the children you want this to be amicable but that doesn't mean you need to be passive in the process.

Tell him you are not interested in hearing him list your faults. He has responsibility for his behaviours too - I'm sure he isn't perfect. Sounds like he wants to be the victim - could be that he has an interest elsewhere, sadly this is often the case, especially when it's out of the blue

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:16

I am so crushed. Crushed for my babies. Hurt about the weight comments. I have worked so hard to provide for us all. Be supportive when he is going through yet another work drama. Do everything for the kids even smoothing out his mood swings.

Yet, he genuinely seems to feel 'taken for granted' and that he 'does everything for everyone'.

It is just not true.

OP posts:
Farmageddon · 14/01/2024 10:18

Honestly OP it sounds like his head has been turned. If he's spending all his time in the gym, and then criticising your weight, then he is comparing you unfavourably to someone. He's also rewriting history, saying he was never happy etc. It's the script of an affair/ mid life crisis.

Do yourself a favour and get some legal advice to understand where you are financially.

CharmedCult · 14/01/2024 10:18

How did you buy the house - joint tenants, tenants in common? Who paid what in terms of deposit and was that legally ringfenced?

I’d consider switching the mortgage to paying interest only if possible, so you’re not knocking chunks off the lump sum and making more equity, which he’ll possibly end up with 50 percent of.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/01/2024 10:19

As the poster said above, get firm "I'm not interested in you listing my faults, what I do care about is getting this sorted"

I shall get some valuations and let you know how much the house is worth

Don't let him wallow, he will have an OW somewhere

Psychoticbreak · 14/01/2024 10:19

His head has definitely been turned.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:19

Great advice everyone, I appreciate it so so much. Thank you for not thinking I am crazy. Thank you thank you thank you.

I do think it might be someone else. I have asked and he says no but I don't believe him.

In a way I don't think it matters. He has checked out, it doesn't matter why. Would be helpful in a way as he could move in there then with his protein bars and skid marks in the toilet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:20

Self absorbed asshole

OP posts:
Sloth66 · 14/01/2024 10:22

Typical behaviour In either actually having an affair or thinking of having one, then rewriting / reframing his life to shift blame onto you.

OhamIreally · 14/01/2024 10:47

@Ihavenoclu if you've spent time on these boards you'll have seen references to "The Script" it sounds like this is what's happening here. He is, as you say, rewriting history to frame himself as the victim.

Pp suggestion to go interest only is a great one.

At least he won't be able to take half your pension if you're not married.

Sorry this is happening to you. Another stupid man blowing up a good life for the sake of his dick.

Triedeveryusernameunderthesun · 14/01/2024 10:51

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 09:12

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

Hi sorry to jump on your thread, but I could have written your post in a way. I have 2 dc and a mortgage and together around the same length of time as you. Only difference is we are married. I agree completely, it's a blessing and a curse! It secures you a bit more financially perhaps, but ties you together a lot longer! The upset and stress of going through a divorce. I can't face it. I too have been on forums like this a long time and with ups and downs, I dip in and out. This has been sprung on you suddenly and it must be even more heartbreaking than when you can see it happening over time. I'm sorry. I have no advice because I am living in a similar situation. I feel DH gaslights me too. He works but I do everything else and I still did everything with a ft job!! His free time is spent gaming and gambling. He will not risk dying during a game to help. I have no idea what to do or where to even start. I am a ft mum. I have nothing except 50% which is tied into the house. I cannot afford legal fees. CAB are not worth a toss. Childcare is more than a mortgage. I don't want to leave my kids with strangers anyway. I did not have kids to leave them with a childminder. No family, friends or support network. Only in-laws who don't give a shit really. It's just me and the kids with nowhere to go and financially vulnerable to dh who holds all the cards. I feel for you I really do.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 11:21

Livinghappy · 14/01/2024 10:15

Who provides childcare now? Did you buy the house as joint tenants?

He is ahead of you emotionally as likely to be planning this for a while. It will take you a while to catch up. For the children you want this to be amicable but that doesn't mean you need to be passive in the process.

Tell him you are not interested in hearing him list your faults. He has responsibility for his behaviours too - I'm sure he isn't perfect. Sounds like he wants to be the victim - could be that he has an interest elsewhere, sadly this is often the case, especially when it's out of the blue

He is ahead of you emotionally as likely to be planning this for a while. It will take you a while to catch up. For the children you want this to be amicable but that doesn't mean you need to be passive in the process.

Thank you for this. For all your comments everyone. I will speak to the estate agents tomorrow and I have a friend who is a family solicitor.

Thank you all. It is surreal and I feel that I have a mountain to climb, a mountain I don't know what it looks like. I feel resentful for having to project manage this huge thing, when it is not even I who is the instigator. And I have struggled to see the woods for the trees.

But I do need to take charge. I can not live like this in limbo. At the moment he is walking around with airpods singing 'Im too good to you'.

He twists every single thing I say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 11:24

What I don't get is if there is someone else (which I think it is) then why not say? Why rewrite everything?

It genuinely doesn't change the outcome, so why not just say.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 14/01/2024 11:31

He’s cheating. Or about to. I’d put money on it. Glad you are the one with the good job etc. Getting rid of this dead weight will be a relief once the dust settles. Get the ball rolling, see a lawyer, sell the house and only engage with him re arrangements for the kids. He will be rewriting your relationship, it’s in the script!