Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

[Ihavenoclu]

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy in his version of the story. He's the victim who deserves to do something to make himself happy.

You haven't said, is the house in joint names?

How old are the children?

Answers to these questions would affect my decisions

If he admits to cheating that makes him the bad guy (which he is anyway) but by listing your imaginary faults he can place some of the blame onto you, even if it is only his imagination

The legal situation with the house is key. I am sure your friend will go through this with you. You will need every single bit of documentation relating to the purchase, deeds, ownership and mortgage though.

Who's paying for his protein bars? If it's you, then knock that on the head right now.

If you have a joint account, shut it down or freeze it, you need to stop funding him now you're no longer together. Sounds like he's been sponging off you for a while.

The house is fairly straight forward. It will be a 50-50 equity split. No one has contributed more or less to it. Apart from when he was not working.

So it just needs to be sold with equity split.

Those fucking bars!! He pays for them. And trainers.
And perfume.

I’m so sorry OP, what a horrible situation

you need to Grey Rock - don’t respond to his twatty texts, only communicate around practicalities to do with the DC and the split

secondly do not be doing any of his washing /ironing/ no cooking or shopping for him

thirdly I assume you’re subsidising him as he doesn’t work, that also needs to stop. I bet he couldn’t afford that gym membership for example but if you werent subsidising him

How’s he’s doing that if he’s not working?

How's he paying for all this crap if he's not working? And the gym?!

Cut off any money supply from you.

I don't know how he pays for it. He pays for half the mortgage and half the foodbill. Thats it. I think he does that from savings as he told be he 'has enough saved to cover all outgoings until end of March'. But he is not covering 'all outgoings' he is covering mortgage and half the foodbill.

I could try and appeal to his better nature by asking for a higher share of the equity as he is not going to be able to pay maintenance as he is not working. He doesn't have to agree to it though.

@Ihavenoclu so he’s not paying his way as you’re picking up all the other bills bar half mortgage & half food? So gas/electricity/water/council tax/clothes etc fir children are all paid for by you?

Yes. And all kids clubs, joint personal loans, car payments, insuarances, holidays etc.

No sod his ‘better nature’! OP gently he’s not your friend anymore

you need legal advice & he needs a dose of reality ie he can’t enjoy a life subsidised by you anymore

He does buy clothes for the children sometimes.

Thank you. I am overwhelmed by people being so kind and supportive. My mental health is not very good so I didn't expect it.

Oh and sometimes he pays for petrol.

@Ihavenoclu sadly lots of women have posted similar over the years but happily many of them have gone onto live much happier lives once the initial shock is over

keep posting whenever you need support

im so annoyed on your behalf that he’s swanning about like an over grown teenager without the faintest idea just how much he can only do what he does because you pay the vast majority of the bills & have put up with his nonsense!

He needs to move out and leave you in peace to pick up the pieces. I am glad that you have sources of professional advice and wish you well for the future.

I just feel so confused, hurt and overwhelmed.

Oh lovey of course you do xx tell people in real life if you can. You’re not a robot - of course you will feel awful, that’s normal & allowed x

I was where you are many years ago, and it was another woman. It usually is when the change is abrupt. You need to be proactive and take care of you and the children. Get an attorney, STOP paying for stuff for him, and get plans in place. He can't afford to leave? Tough. Pathetic man-child will have to get a job, or sponge off someone else. That's not your problem in the slightest. And don't listen to a word he says. Cheaters lie, and lie, and lie, and you've got a particularly dickish cheater on your hands.

Untangling yourself emotionally from someone who has been in your life many years is not easy, but like another poster said, he is no longer your friend and he does not have your best interests in mind, nor your children's best interests. So ignore his pathetic attempts at gaslighting. It's hard, very hard, but you will feel amazing once his cocklodging arse is out of your life.

It’s easy to look at people with rose tinted glasses when you think they’re leaving. You need to write a reality list of what this man is really like so you can consider this as a blessing in disguise. He sounds cold and selfish.

YY about contacting a solicitor and the estate agent.

Id make it extremely visible too (for the estate agent) to make it clear, YOU are moving on.

For the rest, I’d move any money he can access somewhere he can’t.

Id also stop EVERYTHING in the house for him, talk about the dcs and who is dealing with the childcare going forward. Not just now but once he has moved out - EOW, maybe one evening too. And ask him to pay for all his stuff.
aka, no way you are still paying for the loan on his car or for the petrol or his gym membership!

He needs to move out asap - even though I have no idea how if he isn’t working. There isn’t many estate agent/landlord who will be happy to rent to him wo him working.