Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

[Ihavenoclu]

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

Morning OP. Very sorry this is happening to you. Just try and banish that self doubt and don't accept any gaslighting.

No, it's not you.

You are all so lovely. Thank you

Spoke to lovely MIL. She cried. I cried. She cursed. I cursed. She said we will always be family and that her home will always be there for us. I told her I love her and that the dc will see her just as much as they always have. That I will facilitate this in any way that I can. She said her son is not welcome and I said there might be a problem there as he needs to go somewhere and as he isnt working he won't have alot of options. She laughed and said she'll put him in the garden shed.

Then she said something that was genius. She said why dont my dp and her swap houses for abit. I get some some space from him and she can come and stay with me and dc. This might be reassuring for dc and would also help me in terms of support. I can talk to her and she is just lovely to be around. The dc love her and she would be there to chat to them, have dinner with us, help with homework etc.

The more I think about it the more I think that might be a good idea for a few weeks.

She also said 'of course the dumb fool has a lady friend. No man leaves his woman's house to go and live in a cold bedsit. I was born at night but I was not born last night' which made me laugh.

love her to bits.

Ihavenoclu, nah...garden shed a much better idea 😀

How kind of her...would he not get a great deal though...free run of a house for his lady friend??

Fair point. Will need to reconsider.

Have found some lovely flats today and went over my sums again. Calling estate agent tomorrow.

A brilliant idea to have her to stay though as you get on so well, and as you say it could be perfect for showing to the kids that yes some things are changing but not everything is changing.
I was just talking to my friend from childhood about this the other day and we were talking about the parents we knew who'd split up, and then the couples in our own generation (so far) and in literally every single one of them the man had traded down! Some to an unbelievable degree tbh. Not always in terms of looks (though that too often) but in terms of interestingness, energy, coolness and stuff every single time! I wonder whether they realised it soon after and tried to come back (obviously I'll never know).
(My one friend from Uni always said she lost the husband but kept the parents in law and they're still really close). Sounds like you have definitely got the best member of that family for keeps and you're losing the worst one.

Your MIL sounds great. I also have a great relationship with my ex-in-laws. Ex hates the fact his family still see me which is the icing on the cake.

If you're looking at flats by the way don't forget to factor in the service charge as some of them can be really quite high.

Appears he has a change of tactic today. 'You are the best' 'No one will ever come close' and 'You are my best friend'.

I am so angry. There is an almost grandiose demeanour to him. It is bizarre. Who is he?

He’s messing with your head becatse he knows he’s crossed the line

just grey Rock him again

“no one will ever come close” “ok” and then carry on with what you were doing

Sorry to be cynical but maybe the other woman has binned him? Of course he’ll come running straight back to the comfort and financial security you have been providing.

You need to stay strong if you want to be happy - he’s clearly selfish arse and it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s back to those tricks again and you’ll have wasted more of your life and happiness.

Also what PP said - could also be because he doesn’t like the fact you’re showing you’d be ok without him - he was clearly enjoying it more when he was able to persecute you for how “awful” you are to him. Stopping caring stops the game and that’s not what professional victims like him want to happen.

New GF definitely dumped him. Or he realised that HE is the one who would be worse off in every way if you break up. But I’d say new GF isn’t prepared to support him or has called it a day and he’s thinking he’s made a huge mistake. Which he has.

He's wanting a reaction from you because he realises this is serious now, he wants you to feel sorry for him. Urgh. what a gross man.

Is it worth reminding him of the litany of faults he's been messaging you nightly?

You've been dealt a blow op. You're doing really well. keep going and keep talking to us.

Would you and MIL team up going forward if she's getting to the point of selling her house anyway?

She sounds wonderful.

Sorry you're going through this.

How DARE he send you abuse (yes, the comments about how you’ve let him down by gaining weight - WTF?!- are abuse)
when YOU have worked hard providing, and he’s taken his pathetic, whiny ass to the gym?

I loathe him. I can’t stand him for you.
your MIL sounds so lovely.

please please get rid of him and don’t hold space for him to “sort himself” any longer - since he’s using that time to cut you down.

You are all so lovely, you have no idea how much this support means.

Your MIL sounds lovely. My mother had an excellent relationship with her daughter in law which continued after my brothers divorce until my mothers death. I'd seriously consider her moving in for a month and him moving into hers - I know it gives him space to do what he likes but to be honest I think the more important thing is to give YOU breathing space without him to be able to think clearly.

And also it allows you to take a bit of control back without any permanent changes for now which would also be helpful to your DC, and they could spend time over at hers with him whcih would also cramp his style a little.

Yeah that's how we all treat our "best friend" - calling them fat and listing every imagined slight for the last 20 years. 🙄

Hey, I am back. I am struggling. Really struggling. I have spoken to a solicitor who has advised that we make arrangements formally with either the help of a solicitor or a mediator.
i have asked my bank if I can transfer the mortgage to a new property in my sole name (I want to do this as I have 3 years left on a very low interest rate). They said I can, provided that he agrees. He has an interview on Monday and I am praying that it goes well so that we can really get things moving.

I am feeling so sad for my dc. They have always been v mummy kids but now it’s all daddy daddy daddy. Which he laps up of course. I know and want that them being close to their dd is a good thing. I know this and I want that for them. I just need use to part so that the next phase can continue. I find it awful and sad to live like this. Like a pawn.

Praying he gets the job. Praying. How do I look after myself in the meantime. My sister is coming next week (she lives overseas) so that will be nice. I am just so sad. Like I have run out of steam.

Because he needs to be the blameless victim. Are you not tempted to respond in kind listing all you have done? And his various defects. He can interrupt and gaslight you if you're talking not so easy with a written note. You deserve better. Leave him in the rearview mirror!

Why don't you ask him to move out, just for a bit. He made the choice to tell you it was over. Took all of the control from you. But he can't move out because he hasn't got a job? How convenient. So he has to stay. Or does he. Ask him to go to a friends for 2 nights. Or his mums ( who you had a lovely chat with). Or a cheap b&b. Just get rid, for a night or 2, at least.

@Ihavenoclu I suspect they are very much daddy daddy because they know he is leaving. If he thinks it’s a good thing, then he is a fool. Because I wouldn’t be surprised it comes from fear and them being unsure if he’ll still be in their life.

Perfect re the mortgage! That’s a big stumbling block sorted. Well done!

And I’ll crowd fingers with you he’ll get the job. Now that he has a reason to get it, he might out more effort into it!
If i was you, I’d also plan what you’ll do if he doesn’t get the job. Because there is no way he can stay in your house ‘until he gets sorted’ with no end in sight iyswim. I’m wondering if your MIL could help there too - even if it’s to remind him he took the decision to separate. So he has no business staying in your house. He needs to sort his shit out.

I am in a dark place. I cant seem to move on. He didnt get the job he applied for, nothing else on the horizon. He is not sleeping but doesn't proactively sort it. He is stomping around like a big fat dysfunctional toddler. I work fucking hard and come home to a tip of a house. Yet he feels he does everything. He walks around with airpods singing along to songs. I need it to stop. I am breaking.