Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

[Ihavenoclu]

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

⬆️⬆️⬆️

This too.

You need support in RL. And there is no reason for you to keep, that quiet.
HE decided to move out. HE decided you are an awful person, even though he never mentioned anything or gave you the opportunity to change (if there was ever a reason for you to do that).
In the mean time, he seems to be on a path to hurt you as much as possible, probably in a bid to make himself feel good - clearly he had to leave if you are such a bad person right? Never mind it’s all a fantasy.

Do you have two cars or a shared car? If two, stop all payments on his including insurance. If one, and it's in your name, get his key back and don't let him use it anymore. If you're paying the wifi, block his devices unless he coughs up for half.

No its just the one car. I feel like I am going mad and have lost my mind. It makes me question everything. 20 years. We grew up together.

I asked him to tell his mum, and he says 'not yet because jt wouldn't be a very nice conversation'.

My MIL and I have always been very close. She is elderly and is coming to stay next weekend. It is just so much, everything.

I am so crushed

Who paid/ pays for the car, insurance/ maintenance/ MOT etc? If he doesn't pay 50/ 50 he doesn't get to use it.

Split EVERYTHING down the middle
Mortgage
All bills
Anything to do with the kids

Stop
Buying his food
Washing his clothes
Cooking for him
Don't touch anything of his

Tell whomever the fuck you want

He is NOT your friend

Is he paying the mortgage as of now? If not, he shouldn’t be getting a 50/50 share of the equity. Please see a solicitor! I’m almost sure you have the right to stay there if the dc are under 18.

Whose car is it? You need it for taking the dc wherever, don’t let him take it. Can you afford to buy him out? I echo, freeze joint accounts now so he can’t empty them.

Unfortunately OP, this is the Script step by step. Makes it easier somewhat as he’s just another predictable douche who has no morality or integrity. Don’t let him drag your or coyote children into the gutter with him. Let him go and big hugs to you. X

Hearing people say its the script etc is so helpful and soothing. At least I can still trust my mind and that it is not me who has lost it.

It is so deeply humiliating. All of it. I have been a good partner.

I’m sorry OP.
Some good advice from PP.

Take control. Get advice from solicitor this week.

What a twat he is swanning around the house singing, no job, lots of spare time for the gym, being bankrolled by you, firing off spiteful texts while he is no doubt having some kind of affair.

Get tough. He’s the enemy now for a while. Don’t respond to these texts. Grey rock
💐

Because it's about his self-image. If he tells himself the story of "I cheated on ihavenoclu and left her just because I met a woman I like better" then that means he might be A Bad Person. So he resolves that cognitive dissonance by rewriting the story of your relationship post hoc. "I did everything for ihavenoclu and she took me for granted, but now I've met someone who isn't sick of my bullshit yet really appreciates me" allows him to get what he wants AND feel good about it at the same time.

That's why The Script is The Script and why it so often appears during a breakup.

If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?
Yes, but he is not on your team and is determined to prove that he can do what he wants. It's part of the narrative that you have been controlling and is thus a load of bollocks.

I had this issue with my exh. It lasted for months until I snooped on his emails and got evidence of his affair. Until then I had been avoiding being in his presence. When I got the evidence, I changed my tactic. I went and sat in the front room, next to him, and talked to him about his affair and what a shit he had been. He found a place and moved out within a couple of weeks.

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.
It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime.
You do not have to defend yourself when he makes these accusations, as they are a load of bollocks. Focus instead on what a shit he is being by sending you anxiety-inducing messages late at night. What kind of a nasty arse does that? Also set up your phone so that you only receive messages from him between, say, 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. Or not at all.

I remember the personality transplant from when my exh had his affair. Get yourself professional help for your mental wellbeing if you are able to.
Who is paying for his gym contract - can you cancel it?
When did he start "going to the gym" five days a week? Did it coincide with any behaviour changes?

Echoing others saying it very much sounds like his head has germ turned. Grey rock from now on. Make it clear that you are separated which means you are no longer responsible for him and everything is to be split 50/50. Then see a shit hot lawyer to make sure you're aware of everything you need to be aware of. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock.

And tell his mother/your family.

Yes, phone his mum, tell her what is going on and say she will have to put off her visit or, possibly, change it so that you visit her alone, if you get on well?

I know you’re not married but https://www.runawayhusbands.com/ was very helpful to me when I went through this very tough experience. The stages it outlines proved to be very true to me. 6 years on now and I’m on great terms with exH, in a lovely relationship with someone else and mostly importantly, our kids are happy. It’s a really tough experience and I was in shock for months. Oh, and yes, there was OW. She’s great with our children and that’s all that matters to me.

Of course it’s humiliating OP, trust me, I couldn’t speak for months after the Script was played out in my life. We chose men we believe to be good partners and importantly fathers to our children and when they turn out to be cruel and callous because that is exactly what is happening here, we are in shock. But leave any humiliation and shame at his door, firmly. You and you children are worth so much more and now are the most important thing to protect during this.

The shock and shame was awful. It took me a year to go to the local supermarket (I didn’t want to bump into school mums). I realise now that it wasn’t mine to feel. But people say stupid things to you in an attempt to convince themselves it wouldn’t happen to them. One friend told me that her hubby would never leave her because he liked her cooking so much. I didn’t think it would happen to me. No one thinks it could happen to them, they think they’d see the signs. It’s not really an experience you can understand unless you’ve been through it. There are certain behaviours and patterns that are typical in the experience (see ‘The Script’).

6 years on now and I’m on great terms with exH, in a lovely relationship with someone else and mostly importantly, our kids are happy.

I am in the same position as@VintageDiamonds btw. Don't have much to do with my exh but when we do interact there's no animosity. The (now adult) children arrange to see us both and get on with our new partners. (Not the OW as she went on to cheat on him!) Been with my bf for 7 years and he's a lot more supportive, considerate and generous (in every way) than my ex. If my ex had not ended it, I wouldn't have known what was possible.

No one thinks it could happen to them, they think they’d see the signs.
Or they think it only happens if the relationship is clearly bad/on the rocks anyway.

He really needs to move out for your sanity.

Men dont tend to leave unless they have someone else. They are cowardly bastards that can’t cope alone-or be honest.

Nasty little fucker how DARE he blame your weight. The only weight you should lose is him. Never ever look back he’s not who you thought. Slimy bastard doesn’t have the decency to be sensitive at least & has to put all the blame on you. Sorry Op he’s a cunt & you & the kids are well rid of this loser. I’m so sorry on behalf of him (looks like he’s not) x

100% this. The friend I mentioned hadn’t had sex with her H in years. Some people choose to stay because it’s convenient or they haven’t met someone else who has turned their focus away from the marriage/committed relationship enough for them to contemplate leaving. Some decide to make the break. Being left isn’t really an indicator of the state of the marriage. It’s a very common misconception which only serves to make other people feel better about their own marriage and convince themselves that it just won’t happen to them.

You have done nothing wrong, OP.

You partners head will be all over the place. One very useful piece of advice I recall reading was not to believe anything he says to you for a while. He is having to justify his decision, make it sit right with him so he can feel alright with himself about it. And for that to be possible, you have to be at fault. He’s blame-shifting. Cognitive dissonance. It’s normal, it’s in The Script! I think there’s a great example of some guy who claimed one of his reasons for leaving his wife was because she served bagged salad! I had equally laughable ones when my ex left me.

I'm not proud of snooping on my ex's emails - felt like I had to do it to make him move out finally - but another useful side effect was that I read the story he was feeding his OW about his relationship with me. Many of the things he was telling her, he hadn't suggested to me, presumably as he knew I could easily prove them wrong. It helped me understand that the other accusations were also just ways of justifying his affair.

Yes OP, be prepared to listen to some mental nonsense if you choose to let him continue on. I can laugh now but my exh told me that he only had an affair as I was too good of a mum. The strange thing is when you break all these contemptuous men down they are all sadly so similar. Selfish, vain, without moral character. You and your children, when you recover, will be absolutely fine. X

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I am sure he is a lazy twat as well as a cocklodger, but is there a risk that your being in full time work could allow him to claim that he is the main carer for the DC and therefore claim child maintenance from you. If so, shut this down now and get child care in place so you can claim you are primary carer (which I am sure you are). What an utter cunt this man is.

I may have missed this
gis us the home owned, as in the deeds not the mortgage? Are you joint owners named in their as joint tenants?