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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

158 replies

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 09:12

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 14/01/2024 16:41

How is

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 16:43

Prelapsarianhag · 14/01/2024 16:27

Sorry this is happening to you OP. I am sure he is a lazy twat as well as a cocklodger, but is there a risk that your being in full time work could allow him to claim that he is the main carer for the DC and therefore claim child maintenance from you. If so, shut this down now and get child care in place so you can claim you are primary carer (which I am sure you are). What an utter cunt this man is.

This crossed my mind but no. The children are at school with wrap around care. Despite him not working I insist on doing half of pick up/drop offs so that he can't claim he is the 'main carer'.

Main carer my arse. The only person he cares for is himself.

He also spends hours at the supermarket, coming back with elaborate stories about why it takes so long and brings back items we already have.

OP posts:
80s · 14/01/2024 16:51

My ex's favourite excuses for spending hours away at the weekends were the gym and the DIY centre.

Farmageddon · 14/01/2024 17:01

As previous posters have pointed out, he won't admit to their being an OW (or a potential OW) because it makes him rightly look like a shithead.

So if he reframes the story as 'I never loved you really, I'm trapped blah blah' it means he still gets to see himself as the hero/ victim in his own mind, even though he is doing a shitty thing. It's self preservation and ego.

Definitely tell his mum - the only reason he doesn't want you to is that he will look bad. Tell everyone, you need the real life support. Then stop doing any housework for him and get legal advice.

Louisabee1 · 14/01/2024 17:02

Oh OP, all so pathetically similar. Mine used to say he was going to the supermarket at 9 or 10pm. I was so desperate for help with housework and children: I didn’t question it. They are such idiots and in time will
never be happy. Stay strong OP.

Klcak · 14/01/2024 17:05

Almost certainly cheating.

Regardless, next time he texts you one of your faults, text him "Please stop sending me texts of this nature - you chose to split up with me and we need to be practical and move forwards in the best interests of the kids"

Livinghappy · 14/01/2024 17:22

Like he has had a personality transplant. Like I have no idea who he is

This is very common for weak man who are having affairs as they morph into the person that the affair partner thinks they are. It's bizarre when it happens and unfortunately adds to the trauma as you can't recognise the person you have spent 20years with.

How he behaves to you will depend on the narrative he is spinning to OW about you. His text messages will give you a clue to his victim story. It's why women who have affairs believe the Ex wife/partner was a nightmare because these pathetic men are very convincing.

Usual narrative is you stop him seeing his children, you are controlling over money, his time at the gym etc..it's the usual script

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 17:28

Livinghappy · 14/01/2024 17:22

Like he has had a personality transplant. Like I have no idea who he is

This is very common for weak man who are having affairs as they morph into the person that the affair partner thinks they are. It's bizarre when it happens and unfortunately adds to the trauma as you can't recognise the person you have spent 20years with.

How he behaves to you will depend on the narrative he is spinning to OW about you. His text messages will give you a clue to his victim story. It's why women who have affairs believe the Ex wife/partner was a nightmare because these pathetic men are very convincing.

Usual narrative is you stop him seeing his children, you are controlling over money, his time at the gym etc..it's the usual script

Yes!!

And now he is out and said he'd be back by 5. He isnt and has not updated me on any delays. He has been out all day and its not like he has work in the morning. But I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 17:30

It has been very carhartic to write some if this shit down. Thank you

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/01/2024 17:37

Act as if you don't give a shit what he is upto.

Him, I'm going out
You, ok
Him, I'm not sure when I will be back
You, ok

He wants drama, crying, begging etc etc....don't do it

Carry on as normal as if you were there on your own with the kids

Wemetatascoutcamp · 14/01/2024 17:42

Ex-DP tried to hang about like a bad smell when we split up. I actually ended the relationship with him as knew things weren’t right between us and it was really effecting my MH.

He begged for “time to get himself sorted” so also had an awkward spell pretending to my dc everything was still ok. It turned out things weren’t right because he’d checked out of the relationship and had been on the prowl for his next victim on classy sites like POF. In the end I found the evidence he was cheating and was able to get him out. Him trying to get himself sorted was trying to persuade OW to let him move in with her……

I was lucky no shared DC and house was rented (my tenancy) so could get him out our lives fairly easily but really feel for you as The Script is awful- remember its nothing you’ve done its him trying to make himself feel better about what he’s doing to you and DC. Now you’ve recognised whats going on get your ducks in a row and get him out. I’d even be tempted to tell his DM the truth before she comes to visit- he doesn’t want to tell her because again he knows he’s in the wrong.

80s · 14/01/2024 17:58

And now he is out and said he'd be back by 5. He isnt and has not updated me on any delays.
The thing is, you are no longer a team any more. It is weird at first because you are so used to communicating and doing things together. He's able to deal with this sudden change better because it's not sudden for him. You still have to get your head round it. Of course it's part of his narrative of "I don't have to tell you ANYTHING as I won't let you control me any more blah blah blah".
I found that after he left, it was much better as the kids and I could just get on with it.

He wants drama, crying, begging etc etc....don't do it
I know what you mean here @Needanewnamebeingwatched and I didn't beg for my exh to come back or anything, as he was so nasty I definitely wanted him to leave. But "grey rock" didn't work for me personally as it just meant he stayed longer, as there was no drama. He only left when I started making life actively unpleasant for him. I also felt like if I didn't cry, shout or act angry then I was confirming his story that there was no passion in our relationship, and he was not seeing the consequences of his actions. So I'm in two minds about that one.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 18:03

Ugh, having a major wobble today. I have been quite level headed up until now but I guess there will be up and downs.

I have a list to tackle with solicitors, I have asked GP for talking therapy etc, I will call the bank to ask if I can transfer the mortgage to a new property in my sole name. That would really help me as the interest is low for another 3 years. This would conincide with my youngest no longer needing wrap around care so that would help financially. Just trying to get on with the practical stuff.

I have decided I will call his mum this week. She is an amazing woman and has been more of a mym to me than my own ever has. I will miss her terribly. I will also need to speak to my BIL as well as we had always talked about her coming to stay with us when that time comes, and that time is now very near.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 18:11

Many people have mentioned grey rock. Need to google. I guess in a way that would suit him. No responsibility, dossing all day every day.

Perhaps I should suggest we rent out our home and I get a rental with the dc. Perhaps that is the fastest way to get things moving.

But financially that does not make sense. I want to sell the home and get rid of that tie/link. I am not going to keep paying the mortgage for him to have a huge increase in equity when my youngest turn 18. I would rather have (albeit a much smaller) home that is mine and mine alone. We will only be able go get a teo bed flat but thats ok. I have found these sofa bed things that could work. We will be ok. Tight and strained and a huge reduction in 'treats' but we will manage.

OP posts:
RitzyMcFee · 14/01/2024 18:19

It sounds like you are making some sensible and measured decisions. You are in a good position financially so that's half of the situation under control.

Honeychickpea · 14/01/2024 18:23

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 10:12

In this case, not being married is as I said both a blessing and a curse. Shame about the equity but as I am a high earner and he is currently not working at least I don't need to pay him support.

I support us all financially anyway

Don't be so sure about that. Retain a lawyer.

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 14/01/2024 18:24

Grey Rock just mean not rising to his attempts to wind you OP. Whatever he says, just say “fine” or “OK”. Don’t respond, it’s what he wants

no response but also no help for him

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 18:26

Thanks everyone. How the hell is this my life?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 14/01/2024 18:34

I feel for you OP - not my experience but my mothers. My father walked out on her after 30 years with very little notice and one of the things that sticks in my mind is her saying how quickly he moved from loving husband to "couldn't care less".

You do indeed to start moving things in your direction or at least getting some finality so you can forge ahead in your new life. He isn't ever going back to who he was. If it helps, my mum lived for 20 happy years eventually after my dad left. ANd also if it helps re your MIL, when my brother got divorced we got custody of my sister in Law in the divroce thankfully and she is still invited to fmaily events with my adult neices becasue she's so much nicer than my arse of a brother. ANd that was 10 years ago!

80s · 14/01/2024 18:40

I have my ex-FIL over at Christmas. You can still keep in touch as much as you like. Her son does not have a say in that.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 19:29

❤️ Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 14/01/2024 19:41

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 19:29

❤️ Thanks everyone

🤗🤗 you’re welcome xx we’re here when you need to vent

Sophie2024 · 14/01/2024 21:44

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years,

YES YES YES I coud've written that too , 22 years and 5 kids later and now he needs to find himself and be in control , bla bla bla mid life crisis shit which ive had enough of after listening to it for 2 years , hes depressed hes got anxiety he is controlled its all shit , rant over 😩whats wrong with these men they all think there so hard done by !!!!!!

Kewcumber · 15/01/2024 00:29

Sophie2024 · 14/01/2024 21:44

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years,

YES YES YES I coud've written that too , 22 years and 5 kids later and now he needs to find himself and be in control , bla bla bla mid life crisis shit which ive had enough of after listening to it for 2 years , hes depressed hes got anxiety he is controlled its all shit , rant over 😩whats wrong with these men they all think there so hard done by !!!!!!

My dad did this is soooo predictable - how my mum has denigrated him constantly for 30 years and how she was too fat 🙄 There just aren't enough eye-rolly emojis for what I thought of that pathetic attempt to justify his actions instead of just saying either "I'm sorry I don't love you any more" or (probably more truthfully) "I'm sorry I've found someone else who fawns over me" 🙄🙄🙄

He had the cheek to tell me after she'd died that "I made such a mistake letting her go". Yeah well if it was such a mistake you could have said that to her at any point over the past 20 years! It was just another way to try to make himself look the victim.

I actually can put up with him now but even so I took great pleasure in banning him from her funeral on the basis that she'd haunt me forever if he was allowed to attend.

These types of men are all the same - weak and pathetic.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 15/01/2024 08:55

Morning all. Got a migraine from hell
last night. Just awful. Thank you so much for all your thoughts, sharing of experiences, practical help etc.
It means so much to read them as they mirror my own thinking. I have been so programmed into thinking its all me and that I am in the wrong etc.

OP posts: