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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

158 replies

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 09:12

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
JustExistingNotLiving · 12/02/2024 21:41

It’s shit.

You might need to tell him to move out. He can stay at his parents or the OW.
But there is no way you are supposed to be separated but you are the one paying fur a roof over his head whilst he does fuck all, not even tidying the house.
I mean I’m sure he could find a MW job stacking shelves if he wanted. That’s what he chose afterall. To be free.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 12/02/2024 21:59

@JustExistingNotLiving thank you for responding. I am really grateful. Just knowing there are people out there makes it feel better. Like I am not going (completely crazy). Thank you.

I find it hard to talk to my friends. Ita not their fault, they are lovely. But they will ask 'whats the news' or 'has there been progress' etc. I feel like i almost have to 'deliver' and the truth is I feel stuck. And it feela horrific. I feel like I can't breathe.

OP posts:
smurfmonkey · 12/02/2024 23:09

I agree about asking him to move out, or you at least need to sit down and agree an even split of jobs in the house so that he's doing his fair share.

It's awful being stuck in the position you are, but you aren't going crazy, he's just a complete shit!

Crikeyalmighty · 12/02/2024 23:37

@Ihavenoclu you sound a really lovely lady as does your MIL- men can be such twats- almost undoubtedly some gym bunny has been buttering him up and boosting his ego , mentally fluffing his pillows- I think so many of them go through this 'I've still got what it takes' mid life crisis and totally upend their lives for no reason at all

Catoo · 12/02/2024 23:56

He needs to leave OP.
If not, get the house on the market if you haven’t already.

I got three valuations on mine, got an average, offered him a fair lump sum to be gone, and to my surprise he went. Maybe he’ll go too at the thought of the cash. Maybe he will insist on selling. But take some power back and push this thing on.

Must be shit having him hanging around being an arsehole. Isn’t it hideous how they change?

Sending a hug 💐

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/02/2024 00:04

So he is not working ?
Why not.

is he actively looking for a job ?

How is he contributing to the home and the household expenses for the home he is still living in ?

How is he contributing towards his children ?

Where is he sleeping ?

Why is he sending you messages at night

LondonLass61 · 13/02/2024 00:06

Gymmum82 · 14/01/2024 10:14

If the house is in both your names then he will be entitled to half.
Withdraw all financial support and if he wishes to continue living in the family home he needs to pay half of the mortgage and all bills. If he cannot then he moves out.
Stop doing any household tasks for him, washing, cooking etc.
Divide the week in half in terms of childcare. He takes the children all of every other weekend plus half the week days so you’ll get your time for the gym etc. he doesn’t get to go every day anymore. He has children to look after now, they are not just your responsibility anymore. Basically anything you used to do to facilitate his life you stop that now and speak to a mortgage advisor about buying him out of the home or get the house on the market

Great advice.

Cheeseflakes · 13/02/2024 00:18

Block his number so he can't SMS you (and other social media's) so he can't bother you. He's ended the relationship - nothing more to be said

Purplesilkpyjamas · 13/02/2024 04:10

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You sound lovely. You will look back and be thankful to have got rid of this weazle once you are the other side. I had similar and was helped by a wonderful female solicitor I never met but was highly recommended by a mumsnetter. She kicked arse without driving up a big bill and kept me sane. You need to find similar.

RantyAnty · 13/02/2024 04:37

I think it's time to tell him to get out.

Have you cut him off from everything yet?

Finances, cooking, laundry, car, etc.

He must still be comfortable somehow or he'd be gone by now.

HenndigoOZ · 13/02/2024 07:07

Yes, time for him to move out. It will be holding you back from moving on. Living under one roof while separated is torture.

Venturini · 13/02/2024 07:11

What a useless shit. Ask him to leave. Get the house on the market.

Kosenrufugirl · 13/02/2024 07:28

Ihavenoclu · 14/01/2024 12:18

I just feel so confused, hurt and overwhelmed.

Have you thought about relationship counselling? 20 years is a lot to disentangle. I hear your are confused, hurt and overwhelmed. However why not try ibuprofen and physio before surgery? Providing he agrees

Tiredhungry · 13/02/2024 07:41

What happened to the MIL house swap idea?
is he now trying to stay as you’re his best friend, etc?

You are coping very well so make sure you give yourself credit for that.
I am sorry you are going through this - it is completely unfair.
You sound like you are treating the situation with so much grace - more grace than I know I would and he deserves but it’s the best approach if you can manage it and you will feel better for it

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/02/2024 09:13

@Ihavenoclu I must have missed it but if he doesnt work, where does he get his money?? also, who drives the car and whose name is it in?

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 09:28

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of you so much. We did the swap with MIL but we could only do it for a week as she has alot of medical appointments in the town where she lives.

I am even considering moving out myself but that will impact the kids much more negatively. It is just unbearable living here.

I am going to reach out to a family mediator so that we can at the very least start with the discussions and make plans. Perhaps that gives him a kick up his backside.

Offering him money to leave might be an option, its an option I have never considered. Perhaps the lumpsum would be attractive to him as he is not working. I will do the maths and see if that is something I could afford to do.

I am furious that it falls to me to find the options and project manage this separation, despite not being the instigator of it. Story if my fucking life. I want rid so badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 09:29

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/02/2024 09:13

@Ihavenoclu I must have missed it but if he doesnt work, where does he get his money?? also, who drives the car and whose name is it in?

He says he has saved abit. Everything is in joint names.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 09:31

Kosenrufugirl · 13/02/2024 07:28

Have you thought about relationship counselling? 20 years is a lot to disentangle. I hear your are confused, hurt and overwhelmed. However why not try ibuprofen and physio before surgery? Providing he agrees

Show quote history

We have been to counselling in the past. I think, in truth, that we are at the point of no return. I will never ever be able to trust him again. I have seen a side to him that I will never be able to unsee.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 09:32

Purplesilkpyjamas · 13/02/2024 04:10

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You sound lovely. You will look back and be thankful to have got rid of this weazle once you are the other side. I had similar and was helped by a wonderful female solicitor I never met but was highly recommended by a mumsnetter. She kicked arse without driving up a big bill and kept me sane. You need to find similar.

Could you send me her details please?

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/02/2024 09:39

@Ihavenoclu He says he has saved abit. Everything is in joint names. and his saving have last him 20 years???? has he been up to tricks if he is not working?

Purplesilkpyjamas · 13/02/2024 10:05

Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 09:32

Could you send me her details please?

Show quote history

Hi lovely sent you a PM.

JustExistingNotLiving · 13/02/2024 10:23

I am furious that it falls to me to find the options and project manage this separation, despite not being the instigator of it.

Look at it this way.
If you are the project manager, you are holding the cards.
Have a lawyer involved and properly kick start this separation where he is MOVING OUT.
Atm, he is playing his cards close to his chest ‘I have savings’. Yes, how much? Texts and putting pressure on you etc…
Time to take control and do things your way. Make his life uncomfortable. Ask him when he is going to move out, ask him to pay half of the mortgage, bills etc… insist. Repeatidly.

It sounds that until now, you’ve kept a low profile hoping that he’d move out on his own accord.
Im not sure he will. Being able to do what he wants when he wants, no work but still a roof over his head. The OW as an aside. Just now, it’s all a bit too good for him.
He needs a wake up call. Sharp ish.

Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 11:27

Is the general consensus that there is another woman? I think it is, but its helpful for me if others think it too. I am not going mad am I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 11:49

Thank you all. For those in similar situations, padt or present. Do any of you have any books, websites etc that they have used?

OP posts:
Catoo · 13/02/2024 12:08

Ihavenoclu · 13/02/2024 09:28

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all of you so much. We did the swap with MIL but we could only do it for a week as she has alot of medical appointments in the town where she lives.

I am even considering moving out myself but that will impact the kids much more negatively. It is just unbearable living here.

I am going to reach out to a family mediator so that we can at the very least start with the discussions and make plans. Perhaps that gives him a kick up his backside.

Offering him money to leave might be an option, its an option I have never considered. Perhaps the lumpsum would be attractive to him as he is not working. I will do the maths and see if that is something I could afford to do.

I am furious that it falls to me to find the options and project manage this separation, despite not being the instigator of it. Story if my fucking life. I want rid so badly.

I offered a lump sum, some came from my savings, and the rest I added to my mortgage. But mortgages were cheaper then so it was manageable. I had a great mortgage advisor also. Saved me ££.

All done with a solicitor. He was too mean to get his own, so my solicitor did it all. And like you, it was his mess. But I took control and I think it shocked him. He was gone in under a month from start to finish!

💐