Please help: 20 year relationship ending 2 kids

[Ihavenoclu]

Hi lovely mumsnetters. I am in disbelief I find myself here having read these threads over the years. I am a regular byt have namechanged. I need to get everything down here as I am being gaslit and my head is all over the place.

So two weeks before Christmas my long term oartner and father of our 2 dc told me he is unhappy and wants us to separate. I was deeply shocked and saddened but tried to be sensible for the sake of the children. We are not married, both a blessing and a curse. When he announced he was leaving he said 'obviously I am not working at the moment, so I cant move out until I am sorted'. Which us bizarre but ok. We are now now nearly 2 months in and I am nowhere clearer on what his plan is? If he has decided he wants out, he needs to leave right? Or at least make plans to?

He sends me messages at night saying how he has always been taken for granted and lists every little slight and wrongdoing he feels I have done for 20 years, including putting on weight.

It has been hard for me to go to the gym as he goes 5 times a week and we have young kids and I work fulltime. I wish he spent as much time on his job applications as he did in the gym. But we are where we are.

I struggle to keep a clear head and what to do next. We are not married so I am assuming we need to sell the family home and split the equity 50/50.

I am not sure why I am posting. I am just struggling to see the wood for the trees.

Go grey rock and kick him out.

A 50-50 split now is better than a 50-50 split in 3 months, because if you wait he just gets 50% of your next three months worth of mortgage payments and living expenses that you pay for him.

Get angry and get him out, fast.

He's leaching off you while harping on about some victomhood blah blah irrelevant falsehoods to keep stringing you along and not kick him out immediately out of pity or guilt that he is manufacturing out of whole cloth.
What a snake.

Don't fall for it. Sounds like a financial ploy to make you keep this snake around while he takes advantage of your wages and housework for months to fund and facilitate his leisure time.

Get angry!

As an aside, I've had friends like this. Where I have a problem and I don't know what to do so instead of letting me talk them about it, they just ask "what have you decided".

I felt so hurt. Like they don't care about the bit in between or the process of deciding, which is the bit I really needed a friend for. Even or especially if I am going around in circles. It's like having someone frustrated with you for not just doing something when what you really need is someone to talk to.

Talk to someone else when people start saying things like this to you. Don't give them status updates as it's just stressful not helpful.

Thank you so much.

This made me cry. Thank you for understanding. You managed to put the right words on exactly how I am feeling. Thank you

Thank you. I feel so broken today. And ashamed.

Thank you

Unfortunately I think there is an OW or someone who hss turned his head. In my situation it was we are not getting on blah blah blah but someone was waiting in the wings.

Best to try to get legals sorted asap as in my case ex husband became a forceful enemy with OW encouragement. Luckily my solicitor was excellent and neither of them saw that coming.

Have you found somewhere to buy for just you and the kids? Concentrate on that, get the house sold, make his living situation his problem.

You sound like a smart and capable woman OP, you got this 💪