Aibu...Hotel night...

[milkonesugar35]

Xmas 2022 we were given a voucher for a hotel. This was given to us when at the time we had a 10 month old. Said voucher lasts until Xmas 2024 and said baby is now 23 months. I've never had a night away from him and have no intention of doing so for the foreseeable so if we use the voucher, ds comes too as far as my wishes are concerned.

For context, my parents are very hands on as they have ds 2 days a week whilst I work. They've not had him overnight and I'm not going to ask. No one else has ever looked after ds.

I've suggested we have a day trip where I would therefore feel comfortable going just the two of us. It's a monetary voucher so could be used for a meal there / use of the spa etc. Dh says he wants to stay. The nearest of the chain to us is approx a 75min drive.

Aibu? Other option is for dh to go with a mate I guess!

I agree with this. It’s absolutely critical that in addition to caring for your child, you need to care for your relationship too.

in 6m time, you may feel differently. He’ll be 3 and will really enjoy a sleepover with his GP. They already have him alone, it’s just a minor thing FOR HIM to extend that. Have a trial run in a few months, go out for an evening and see how it goes.

I don’t understand why you posted this as you’ve made your mind up, and it makes it seem like you’re just judging mothers who do want to leave their child for a bit of couple time. Absolutely nothing wrong with focusing on keeping a healthy marriage as men are a bit like kids and need some attention sometime. But you’re adamant you don’t want this so just hand the voucher back. Maybe your DH can have a weekend with his mates instead somewhere nice (and not a couples hotel)

A few hours in the day? So you don’t work full days? If you do, it’s actually not much different and in fact the child will be asleep most of it.

We'll have our time when ds is older. For now, a day trip it is. Who knows, voucher or no voucher, maybe we can go somewhere else at the end of the year.

But to the poster saying I need to go to the gp and implying I'm physically or mentally unwell because I started this thread is just rude.

Why the chuff are you feeling like you have to decide this now?!

@Inyourwildestdreams

The thing is, the older they get before sleeping anywhere else without parents is that it can have a negative effect to the point the child is scared or doesn't want to go. Kids pick up on things as we all know, so could easily associate being away overnight as a negative thing if that's what the parents -consciously or not- convey. I'm not judging if both parents choose this, but it sounds like OP's husband wants a night away without the child, his needs should be taken into account aswell.

What's the problem with your parents looking after DC? They raised you, so I think that they know what they are doing!

By the time my DC was the same age as yours I would have given him to next doors dog to mind as I was so desperate for a break !

OP, you seem very uptight about it all and getting very irate with anyone who isn’t agreeing with your thinking. Seems like a lot of drama about not much really. Go / don’t go..?

Fwiw, you do come across as quite anxious and that’s fine, but it might do you do you some good to identify why that is. Do you envisage a day in the coming months or years where you will suddenly be fine leaving DC overnight to spend time with your DH? Are you afraid something awful will happen if you are not there? The latter is a classic symptom.

@WhamBamThankU Of course they do. Personally for us thought there isn’t another house that would be suitable for DC to go to to stay. So someone would have to come to ours to watch our child. So from what you’re saying they’d still be likely to have a negative association with being away from home without us. Childcare when I’m at work has also been at our house for the last 2 years. DC has just started nursery this term and it’s the first time they have experienced being away from home with anyone other than DH or I.

You’re right, his needs to need to be taken into account. But hers are equally as important. They need to reach a compromise that both are happy with

We'll have our time when ds is older.

Will you though?
The longer you leave it the harder it will be to leave him and the harder it will be for him to be away from you.

Relationships need nurturing. If your DH is saying he wants to spend time alone with you then why is it okay to ignore that?

You just assume you’ll have time when he’s older. What if your husband gets sick of being ignored and not valued and leaves?

I say this gently but I think this is about your needs rather than his. He'll be fine with your parents and will probably see it as an exciting adventure. But you won't be fine.
This reminds me of my friend who only left her children alone for the first time aged 9 and 11. Her husband was so excited they'd finally get a night as a couple. He booked theatre, dinner and hotel and the children stayed with their grandparents. My friend sobbed all the through the theatre because she missed them so much so they had to abandon their plans and go and pick up the children.
Again this was about the mum, not the kids the children were having a brilliant time with granny and grandad.

I would say YABU but it seems like you had already decided what YOU wanted to do before you started this thread and although after the responses you had to concede you were in the minority but are still going to do what you want, not what your husband wants so what was the point in asking for others opinions.
You've been given them and it hasn't made a bit of difference to your decision so it really was pointless starting the thread

OP don't answer this because it's none of my business.

But think about whether you're planning to have more DC. What will you do when you go into hospital to give birth? Who will be at home with your DS? How will it be healthy for him to have his first ever night without mum immediately followed by her bringing a new precious bundle home with her that needs so much of her attention.

The fact that this is posted on the Relationships board says it all.

I actually hadn’t clocked that, because the OP uses “AIBU” in both the title and the body of her OP.

I’m part of a Facebook uni group … there was a poster sobbing for days after she dropped her son off as they had only spent one night apart in 18 years 😳😳

Be careful with your relationship. There have been a few threads on here lately where clearly their relationship is under strain because couples are not taking time out to be with each other once DC come along.
2 years is quite a long time to never have been apart for a night, and it shows you have some anxiety around letting go even though you know they will be fine with your DP's. Assuming this is your first, and you plan another not too long off, that could be 6 years or more without alone time as a couple. I hope you do date nights, those are important to maintain where possible. Taking time out is good for balance, and actuall, the longer its put off, the harder it can become to do. Children are also more adaptable the younger they are, so it's easier for them, so delaying it because of your own attachment anxiety can make it harder down the line for them.

Be very careful with this. What is wrong with wanting to go away for the night with your DH and having sex. Lots of sex?
Men build up resentment about this type of thing, and then eventually they either have an affair, or leave suddenly in middle age.
FWIW we had plenty of sex but my ex H left with no warning after 14 years staring he was unhappy for all sorts of reasons.
Your marriage should be a priority because otherwise your DS will be shuttling between two homes if you separate. A night with your parents will be a super idea for him. The grandparents will love it too.

Yes to this. My BIL has just had an affair because my sister was exactly like op.

It sounds like you made your mind up before creating the thread, and have been quite defensive about anyone who hasnt agreed with you (vast majority) so what's the point in this thread?

There has been some great advice about doing a trial run at grandparents, why are you so adamant you need to make this decision now?. You have almost a full year under the voucher is valid, you might feel different in another 6 months time

You'd already made your decision before asking. But there is very relevant advice on this thread that I hope you pay attention to.

I would do a trial overnight with your parents. Go out and have a night out and get a decent night's sleep at home. It will feel weird but it will be beneficial. Get into the habit of doing this every couple of months. Focus on yourself and your husband. Then have the night at the hotel in 10 months time and enjoy yourselves. Part of the role of mother is to set your children up so they have the skills to get on in life.

A colleague of mine has 2 children, now aged 13 and 10. The first 'away' experience for the older child was a 4 night school trip (aged 11) which resulted in my colleague having to take a day off work and drive a 6 hour round trip to bring her home after the first night, because she'd got stressed and upset - she was being physically sick. The younger one opted not to go on the trip when his time came. He's now regretting it because that's all his friends are talking about and he's going to miss out. All because they're mum never encouraged sleepovers (even with family).

If you don't make time for you as a couple you may find your relationship diminishes to a point of no return (which is what happened to me). And then you'll be in a position where you have no choice because your child is staying with your husband half the week.

Why not ask your parents for later in the year - 75 minutes away isn't that far in emergency (not that there will be one!)

The other reason to start occasional sleepovers is that in emergency your ds will be able to cope better - unfortunately people do get sick, have accidents etc so knowing that your dc is happy at his grandparents will make a bad situation just slightly easier.

I knew that in emergency my parents could care for my 2, and whilst it has never happened that I've needed their help in this country, it did happen when I was living overseas and it was tough leaving 2 kids with a sitter I didn't know well to go to the emergency room to sign consent forms for (now ex) h who had been injured and was in no fit state to understand what the drs were saying nor for the children to see him!

We didn’t have a night away from our second until she was 6. Do what is right for you and your family.