Aibu...Hotel night...

[milkonesugar35]

Xmas 2022 we were given a voucher for a hotel. This was given to us when at the time we had a 10 month old. Said voucher lasts until Xmas 2024 and said baby is now 23 months. I've never had a night away from him and have no intention of doing so for the foreseeable so if we use the voucher, ds comes too as far as my wishes are concerned.

For context, my parents are very hands on as they have ds 2 days a week whilst I work. They've not had him overnight and I'm not going to ask. No one else has ever looked after ds.

I've suggested we have a day trip where I would therefore feel comfortable going just the two of us. It's a monetary voucher so could be used for a meal there / use of the spa etc. Dh says he wants to stay. The nearest of the chain to us is approx a 75min drive.

Aibu? Other option is for dh to go with a mate I guess!

This doesn't sound healthy to me

I think it's worth exploring why you don't feel able to leave him for the night yet, especially as it would be with your parents who you clearly trust with him anyway.

Maybe have a think about what age you do feel is appropriate to leave him and talk to DH about "not now but we can consider it when DS is ??"

As for the voucher - either send DH with a mate or take DS with you so it get used and not wasted but at least if DH has an end point when he will get some of his wife back, it might soften the blow for now.

The only thing he's getting a night away from is your house, if you take your DC along. Sounds to me like your DH is keen for a husband-and-wife getaway, if you've not ever been away from your DC since birth and they're nearly 2. You have good childcare in place, use it while you can!

@WhiteNoise91 nope not normal for me and my DH.

We have adult children down to a baby and have left all of them with family members overnight for dates/weddings/hotel breaks.

I can't get tipsy, let my hair down and have a night of the type of sex, talking, staying up together with our kids there.

I call it wife mode v mam mode. They each have a time and place and personally I value and need that connection with my husband.

We have a busy family life, taking time for our relationship away from the kids are with trusted family members is important to keep our relationship in a connected state outside of being mam and dad is normal.

What age do you think they will become your priority again?

Agree with this. It’s important to remember you’re a partner/wife too and to take time to be that person. Some people get so bogged down in motherhood it becomes their whole persona. Perhaps your husband wants you to himself for a night, to reconnect and talk about non baby stuff.

@Maybe2 Is there really expectation that hotel = sex?! That would not be a priority for me in the slightest. If we went without ds, it would be to just have a decent sleep! Yet most replies here have included a mention of sex like it's assumed that if you go to a hotel, you have sex. Right!

OP I feel somewhat sorry for you as there has certainly been a bit of a pile-up on your post, though tbh I don't think anyone has been horrible and I don't disagree with the general consensus.

I didn't leave my DD overnight until after her 2nd birthday, though DH had to for work since she was about 9 months. We had our first weekend away as a couple this past December at a posh country hotel (she is nearly 3 now), so waited quite awhile until she was without either of us overnight. I get not wanting to rush that!

What I suggest you'd do is book the weekend for some months away, maybe the summer, maybe next December as a festive break. Request a cot for the room so you have the option of taking your DC, but tell yourself you'll decide later. At least leave yourself open to the possibility that you might change your mind in the interim, and talk to your parents and DH about it. As pp have pointed out there is a huge difference between 2 and 3, you might find that both DC and yourself feel totally fine with it a little down the line.

Also, do you plan on having any more DC? Because I think it's prudent to not have your hospital stay to welcome a new baby be the first time you're away from the older one! Best to get everybody used to it before then.

Well it took a while but we finally got to the real reason.

Interesting you use the word ‘expectation’

@OverTheGrip please get off your high horse. The real reason is as per my op. I don't want to leave my son.

Can you clarify - has your husband categorically said that he wants it to be just the two of you that stays overnight?

Why are people having a go like this?

it’s perfectly healthy, and plenty of people don’t have someone who can take a child over night.

of all the threads to have a pile on, this isn’t the one.

Was thinking the same. Ok no issues if she doesn’t want to have sex when they go to a hotel, that’s up to her. But the way she worded it, I would guess sex isn’t a priority for her at all. Not knocking her, she has a young kid, that isn’t unusual. But maybe something to work on

What the heck. Her sex life is absolutely no one’s business. She doesn’t need randoms telling her to work on her sex life, particularly when they know nothing about it.

Being that the voucher doesn't expire until the end of the year, why not give yourself an internal 'deadline' so you can consider it in e.g. Oct of this year. If by then, you still don't feel comfortable going without your DS, you can tell your DH that. But your child will have developed a lot in that time and you might just feel differently, you never know.

I don't see why you'd have to make a firm decision at this point

I would have thought so yes. Do you not want sex with your DH? The first night alone in years and you'd want to sleep?

Up to you obviously.
but since you’re asking…. I would do it later in the year (or now if he sleeps well) and have the night away without him. If he naps at your parents what’s the big difference?
are you planning to have another child? If so you’ll more than likely need to be away from him then.

Most people actually want to have sex with their partners

But it doesn’t matter if it’s normal for you? Or anyone else for that matter

the main thing for the OP is how SHE feels. If she’s not comfortable leaving her 2 year old that is absolutely understandable and okay - we are all different

everyone has their own ‘normal’. I don’t drink. Getting tipsy isn’t my idea of fun, I can have my fun without having to feel the effect of alcohol. Even if I didn’t have a child I still wouldn’t get tipsy. Alcohol is a poison, I could not imagine myself wanting to leave my child with someone else just so I can go out and consume a poison and then feel shite the next day, which would also effect my time with my son

DP and I have a fantastic sex life. We don’t need to go to hotels for that to happen. We do still go to hotels but we include our son with us. We often go away on trips and adventures all together - time flies and we very much agree we will have ‘our’ time back just us when all our children are grown. We still go out for dinner just us but we have a family member come round and babysit for a couple of hours once ds is in bed.

not sure why you’re asking when our son will become our priority - he already is! Hence why we prioritise being a family.

But it’s none of your business, she’s not asking about her sex life.

You feel how you feel but don't forget you still need quality adult Time with your husband if you value that relationship as well

She did ask about sex. She said “is there really the expectation that hotel = sex?”
And so I replied. Yes, couples going away to a hotel together would want to have sex with each other in that hotel.

Clearly only as folks kept posting about it. We can all read the thread.

Be careful going down this path OP. It would be different if you didn’t have anyone to leave your son with but you do have willing parents. It’s good for everyone to get a break and a change of scene, inc your son and it builds a great relationship with his GPs.

Mine are adults now but we were lucky to have GPs locally and made the most of it.

A friend of mine never left hers despite offers. They are now early 20s and have left home but she still doesn’t want to go away with just her DH, always wants to include them. I know he feels quite rejected.

I don’t get you? She asked a question. I replied to the question. You replied to me saying she didn’t ask about that. But she did ask. Whether or not you agree with my answer is another thing, but she did ask about sex in bottles. And I stand by my answer that most couples, getting a night away from their kids in a posh hotel, sex would be high on the agenda of what they wanted to do.

Sex in HOTELS (not bottles ha ha!)