Aibu...Hotel night...

[milkonesugar35]

Xmas 2022 we were given a voucher for a hotel. This was given to us when at the time we had a 10 month old. Said voucher lasts until Xmas 2024 and said baby is now 23 months. I've never had a night away from him and have no intention of doing so for the foreseeable so if we use the voucher, ds comes too as far as my wishes are concerned.

For context, my parents are very hands on as they have ds 2 days a week whilst I work. They've not had him overnight and I'm not going to ask. No one else has ever looked after ds.

I've suggested we have a day trip where I would therefore feel comfortable going just the two of us. It's a monetary voucher so could be used for a meal there / use of the spa etc. Dh says he wants to stay. The nearest of the chain to us is approx a 75min drive.

Aibu? Other option is for dh to go with a mate I guess!

Sorry x-post and you have explained.

I still don’t understand why you couldn’t relax.
Why not try it?

How do you know you won't be able to relax without trying thought? You have what sounds like great, trustworthy parents who are willing to have him overnight , I bet they would love to have him stay a night , as would your son. My son absolutely adores staying at his nans and he's always excited to go

It’s really not healthy to be so entrenched tbh.

Retain your identity as a wife and individual

Christ on a bike! By the time he's almost 3 you'll be desperate for a night away from the incessant toddlerness.

I think if you're fine with your parents having him in the day, it wouldn't be any different at night? But you've made your mind up and that's fine.

Take the baby with you or don't go.

@TwilightSkies because he'll be 4.5 when he starts school. He's not even 2!

Only you know what you and your child are comfortable with and if you are uncomfortable with a night away then don't do it. You won't enjoy it.

Let your dh go with a mate if he so desperately wants a night away.

This. Youve not had a night with your husband in a long time. You cannot neglect your marriage for three years.

Erm can't see why you wouldn't leave child overnight you have good parents. Sometimes you have to think of your relationship also and not let it fade. 1 night isn't going to kill anyone. 4 kids and they were all used to staying at grandparents from tiny

Seriously?!!! - Spending the night away from your child is very different from dropping them at school in the morning and picking them up a few hours later.

How about not deciding yet and doing a trial with your parents having DS overnight in a few months time when you’re not far away in case needed?

Just give the voucher to someone else and let them have a great time

I agree with this

Do you actually want to be able to go away for a night with your husband as a couple, or are you not bothered?
If you want to, why not try the following to help ease your anxiety and allow you to relax.
Have a sleepover at your parents with both and DS there sleeping over, you do the bath/bedtime etc. Next, have a sleepover at your parents with you and DS both there but this time your parents to bath/bed. Then try a sleepover for DS at your parents but with you just at home, so you’re close by if needed (you won’t be needed…) and can go relatively early in the morning to collect him.
Then between then and the posh hotel stay you could do a few more low key sleepovers for DS at your parents while you’re just local, and then by the time the hotel stay comes around in just under a year’s time when DS is almost 3yo, it will be commonplace for him to sleepover there and you won’t feel anxious about it and you will relax.

Don’t be a martyr and don’t neglect your marriage and yourself.

I think you are being a bit weird about it tbh, the voucher doesn't expire for ages and your child is almost 2

Well you have to do what you think is right.

But I’m not sure it’s actually wise never to take a break away with your husband, given your son’s security is massively enhanced by you two having a good relationship.

Given this, and that you have nearly a year to use it, while don’t you have a trial of your son staying with your parents while you are at home, and see if you can comfortably build from there.

I think this is the reason a lot of relationships fail when kids come along

you need to invest in your marriage as well

your making your DS totally dependent on you it’ll be beneficial for him to be used to staying with other people

You would be doing your child a favour by letting him completely trust other adults but you. I had two kids abroad and made sure they were both comfortable staying with grandparents from a young age and have some extended time with just their grandparents.

Also, your husband clearly wants to spend child free time with you, don’t neglect your marriage because of your separation anxiety.

You don't want to spend a night away from your child, so don't. Take your child with you, ask the hotel if they will provide a travel cot (age 2 usually stay free in hotels anyway) and have a mini break, the three of you. My kids love a hotel stay and from an age too.

I think you should make time for your husband. Having children doesn’t mean you always have to make them the centre of your universe, and not look after your marriage. I’ve seen too many marriages get rocky due to this mentality. It’s just one night.

I felt the same way but had to leave my son for 3 nights at 18 months for a conference. It was fine and I left him once a month after that. He now stays with family members regularly (and loves it!). Your child will be nearly 3. That's a long time to go without a night to yourselves.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable, and most people have said that she is. I wonder if she’ll take it on board and realise she’s unreasonable and change her plans. Otherwise what’s the point. When I see threads like this I think do people really think they’re being completely reasonable and everyone will agree with them? Most people have said you should have the night away, and even those who have said not to have the night away have mostly said along the lines of well don’t go if you don’t want to but you should be able to.

I was always told in situations like this, prioritise your spouse, as a happy marriage is great for the kids. Obviously that wouldn’t be right to do if the child was neglected, but he won’t be, he will be safe with your parents, he would probably have a great time.

the compromise here is surely to take ds? Dh still gets his night away and I'm not worrying about leaving ds? Is that really such a bad suggestion?

Yes but he probably wants a nice night away with his wife so you can be a couple again, not with child in tow. Which is totally normal!