Aibu...Hotel night...

[milkonesugar35]

Xmas 2022 we were given a voucher for a hotel. This was given to us when at the time we had a 10 month old. Said voucher lasts until Xmas 2024 and said baby is now 23 months. I've never had a night away from him and have no intention of doing so for the foreseeable so if we use the voucher, ds comes too as far as my wishes are concerned.

For context, my parents are very hands on as they have ds 2 days a week whilst I work. They've not had him overnight and I'm not going to ask. No one else has ever looked after ds.

I've suggested we have a day trip where I would therefore feel comfortable going just the two of us. It's a monetary voucher so could be used for a meal there / use of the spa etc. Dh says he wants to stay. The nearest of the chain to us is approx a 75min drive.

Aibu? Other option is for dh to go with a mate I guess!

You say that, and I think you actually believe that.

My exact thoughts.

It's a bit odd that now he's almost 2 you don't want a night away and he'll be closer to 3 when this expires?

One night won't do any damage.

Maybe to your relationship if you don't go & have quality time.....

It is not a holiday it is one night. Your posts smack of you feeling like you are a superior parent compared to others.

You can still sleep too… it isn’t an either/or. You don’t have to have sex for 8 hours straight.

Is your DH on board with your plan to never spend any alone time together without your child being nearby? You really need to take a look around MN to see how those types of relationships fare. All relationships take effort to maintain, whether that be with friends, family, or partners. If you neglect it, you run the risk of losing it.

@Muchof Exactly. Nothing wrong with parents who "jet off" on holiday and you make it sound like you're better than those who do.

I have more respect for parents who sometimes put themselves & their relationship first. It's ok to do this.

@Inyourwildestdreams

I find that really strange if that's the case. Being alone when kids are in bed isn't the same, as you might have to be back in parent mode at any given moment. I was a stay at home mum to all three of my kids but me and my ex still made time to have the odd evening/night on our own. It might only have been once or twice a year at some points, but we thought it was important to have that time together. OP's husband may think like that too but she sounds very intense with the child and he might not feel comfortable voicing it.

The day will come when your child spends a night, or more, away from you. By the time they are almost three, you may well feel ready for it. Remember this isn't just about your feelings and needs, but your child's too. If they are able to be cared for by loving and reliable relatives like your parents, it's fun for them, and all a healthy part of growing up. One day you'll be dropping them off at school, and between now and then you need to graduate between 'they're with me all the time' to 'they're away from me every day, and going on a school trip, and playing at a friend's house'. It's better for them if they are cool about spending time away from you, and importantly that they know you're cool with it too.

Most people I know, including myself, had had an evening or weekend away from their child by the age of 2. That's not to say that you have to do it if you aren't comfortable. You don't have to do something just because others are doing it. But it is worth thinking about what it is that bothers you as he might be something that's rectifiable. Which would help you to be less anxious and let your child have a fun night with grandparents!

Your relationship is important. For you and your husband, and for your child. The fact that you can't see what the difference is between a night away as husband and wife, and a night away as a three, is quite telling. You could have a lovely romantic day with DH. A relaxed meal, wine, long deep conversations, afternoon sex, a long lay-in together. Loads of couple time. Which is good and healthy. I imagine your DH is a bit hurt that you have no wish to spend that time with him and would rather have DS with you like every other day.

If you aren't that keen on DH, then I can see why you wouldn't be bothered (and you then have other issues to think about) but I wonder if it's just that you've lost sight that you are a couple, and now only see him as the father of your child? SO many marriages suffer when that happens.

You have 9 months left so you don't have to rush to a decision. You may feel differently in a few months time.

I wouldn’t say “expectation”, but it’s going to be a massive driver for both men and women as the replies show you…

but surely you have considered why your husband wants to spend time with you alone at this hotel? It seems he is open to the idea of an intimate night and that you’re not. Which is fine if you are not interested, but it seems silly not to acknowledge why having your son there changes the dynamic? It’s not us you need to have that conversation with though, it’s your husband

I can understand how you feel but I also think you need to fully consider what your DH is saying. He may need a night with just you.

Spoke to dh. We're going to have a day trip without ds. We'll have lunch there then use the spa and pool and be home for bedtime.

Had your husband originally wanted the night away to be just the 2 of you?

My Mum had Ds when he was 2 overnight at our house and Dh and I just enjoyed swimming in the hotel pool without having to hold a toddler up, leisurely day walking hand in hand and a lovely afternoon nap. We had an uninterrupted dinner and a lovely deep relaxing sleep because when you aren't on duty you can sleep really deeply. No we did not have sex I don't believe, we had enough of that at home. Just enjoyed each other's company. First and foremost my priority is to my relationship with Dh, even as a sahm.

You have loving, caring parents who clearly you trust to provide childcare every week. I would consider thinking about them having your child overnight in the summer. The reason is, if anything happens to you and you end up in hospital then your Ds won't be upset being away from you because he has already done it. I had a horrific pregnancy with Ds2 and Ds1 was 2 1/2.

Having a child with you in a hotel room is the bloody same as being a home, same thing, different setting. Your Dh wants to spend time alone with his wife, be glad he wants that.

How are you going to cope when your dc starts nursery/school???? They will need time away from you eventually
.....

@shellyleppard he goes to nursery 2 days a week and to my parents 2 days a week. Then with me/us the other 3.

But I'm sure you well know that a few hours in the day is very different to than overnight.

He's given in basically because he knows you won't change your mind (that's very clear). I genuinely think it's a shame you've chosen not to work on your separation anxiety and try a trial run a night away (with you present but not hands on) from your child to see how it goes. Especially as your DH has explicitly said he wants to stay.

I was nervous the first time I left my son with his grandparents......but I also needed a night to myself. Incidentally it was the first night he slept through!!!!!! 😂😂

Sounds like a lovely day out. Hope you both enjoy and that you’ll also take comments from this thread on board and consider beginning a gentle process of having a night away eventually.

Just try and remember your husbands needs and the importance of remembering you were a couple before your child came along. By constantly ignoring your husbands wishes to spend proper quality time together and not working on your relationship this is how things fizzle away and people walk away.

Exactly. The 3 of you are a family. You can't just decide to neglect one part of it and hope for the best.

Just try and remember your husbands needs and the importance of remembering you were a couple before your child came along. By constantly ignoring your husbands wishes to spend proper quality time together and not working on your relationship this is how things fizzle away and people walk away.

This.
Being happy as a couple contributes to the happiness of the whole family. It's also good to get into the habit of having couple time from an early age. Otherwise it's a big shock when you start leaving them overnight when they're older.
We've been leaving DS with grandparents since he was 12 weeks but stopped during Covid. Trying to establish it again after a long break was really challenging.

Sounds like you might need a bit of a chat with your GP or HV, op.

@WhamBamThankU And that’s great if that’s what worked for you guys 😊 we have friends who do date night every week without their DC, some that have been ok holiday etc, some that always have the kids with them. There’s not one rule for all 🤷🏻‍♀️😊 I’m sure the day will come when DH and I have a night alone away somewhere but we have no current plans.

If the OPs DH wants a night alone and she doesn’t, why should she be the one that has to compromise? Surely the key is communication and finding a balance that they’re both happy with 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have been parenting 26 years so far for DH and 23 for me. With another 20 to go before our last probably moves out. Personally I have no intention of spending all of those years without spending breaks overnight or holidays with just my DH.

There is absolutely zero guarantee you will have your time back when your kids are grown. You or your DH could drop dead tomorrow.

Clearly we have sex other than in hotels.

But it is completely disengagous to say adults in a relationship dont have the opportunity to behave differently when they don't have responsibility for their children. For example we don't sleep naked at home with the kids. We don't lie in together. We have a different type of sex. We can talk with out interruption of unexpected waking through the night.

It's about more than wine and drunken sex.

Spending a night with your husband away from your children doesn't mean you are doing so means you aren't having having adventures or time with your kids. Ours are going to Disney this year, a week abroad, a long weekend in the country and what ever other random day trips they will go on.

They are no worse of for DH & I spending a weekend at a SPA. Our relationship how ever is the better for it.

I think the biggest issue is having a partner doesn't have the same views. Personally yours wouldn't work for me and isn't something I would want in a relationship long term.

@Gobolina what?! Why?! I'm perfectly fine thanks very much. What a bizarre post!