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Original poster

Emotional affair or nothing?

232 replies

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:04

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 13/01/2024 15:06

Probably depends how often they were messaging, so without more context….

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:09

Daily, sorry

OP posts:
Syndulla · 13/01/2024 15:12

I've recently experienced this.

The issue for me was the sheer number of messages. And that he was sharing stuff with her that he wasn't sharing with me. He was complaining about me in the messages.

He travels for work and was prioritising messaging her instead of me. He also communicated differently, using heart emojis as reactions to her messages which he never did with me. Wishing her sweet dreams at night. He was cold and distant at home.

So yeah, it wasn't sexual. But it crossed multiple boundaries. If any of that sounds familiar then I think you have a problem.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:29

What did you do?

OP posts:
HannahSweeney97 · 13/01/2024 15:30

I’ve just had this from a friend of mine. She’s just discovered that her husband quite regularly comments on her friends Instagram stories, and quite often has mini conversations with them, but he’s never told her before. When she bought it up he just said theres nothing in it and pointless even bringing it up. I guess everyone has different boundaries etc. You definitely need to tell him
how you feel about it.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:37

I don't know if I'd be bothered about mini conversations but it's daily messages, sometimes 100s in 1 day. He stayed up talking to her on nye for midnight while I went to bed, and that just seemed intimate but maybe that's just me

OP posts:
Syndulla · 13/01/2024 15:41

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:29

What did you do?

Confronted him. But he accepted straight away that he had been out of order. We are still working through things. I don't know if I'm being a mug by sticking by him or not. It doesn't help that he still has to work with her. But he is making significant changes.

Snowdogsmitten · 13/01/2024 15:43

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:37

I don't know if I'd be bothered about mini conversations but it's daily messages, sometimes 100s in 1 day. He stayed up talking to her on nye for midnight while I went to bed, and that just seemed intimate but maybe that's just me

Nope, not just you. That’s fucking weird.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:44

Snowdogsmitten · 13/01/2024 15:43

Nope, not just you. That’s fucking weird.

Edited
Show quote history

The midnight thing?

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 13/01/2024 15:49

It would definitely disturb me, more than a little. Does he know that you know? I don't know if I could contain myself, but I hope I would get and store as much info and proof of it as possible before confronting him.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe he hasn't realized how far beyond normal this is getting.

Oh, and the NYE conversation would bother me the most. It's openly disrespectful- he's being hurtful to you.

RicStar · 13/01/2024 15:51

100s messages a day seems a lot of Investment in a friendship - I've it was s one of when they were both bored, OK, but regularly is intense, if nothing else.

Snowdogsmitten · 13/01/2024 15:52

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:44

The midnight thing?

Show quote history

All of it. Making a point of seeing the any in with her, hundreds of messages daily…

Mrsgreen100 · 13/01/2024 15:53

Not ok

TygerPassant · 13/01/2024 16:09

Honestly, as someone who has close male friends, the main thing that would strike me about hundreds of messages a day is (1) how under-employed are these people? And (2) are the messages of the illiterate, unpunctuated, emoji-filled type? I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who communicated without capital letters.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:16

TygerPassant · 13/01/2024 16:09

Honestly, as someone who has close male friends, the main thing that would strike me about hundreds of messages a day is (1) how under-employed are these people? And (2) are the messages of the illiterate, unpunctuated, emoji-filled type? I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who communicated without capital letters.

The majority are in an evening or night

OP posts:
Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:17

beenwhereyouare · 13/01/2024 15:49

It would definitely disturb me, more than a little. Does he know that you know? I don't know if I could contain myself, but I hope I would get and store as much info and proof of it as possible before confronting him.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe he hasn't realized how far beyond normal this is getting.

Oh, and the NYE conversation would bother me the most. It's openly disrespectful- he's being hurtful to you.

Edited

Can you explain the openly disrespectful? I was already in bed hours before, not that that changes him staying up to be with her

OP posts:
Forber · 13/01/2024 16:26

This is an emotional affair I’m afraid. The number of messages alone would make it that for me.

TygerPassant · 13/01/2024 16:27

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:16

The majority are in an evening or night

Show quote history

Sure, but aren’t they doing evening or night things then — seeing family, making dinner, household chores, dealing with children, if there are children, exercising, hobbies, night classes going out with friends, etc?

Punkkitty · 13/01/2024 16:28

Dude is having a full blown emotional affair with this woman. Whether he/she/or you realise it, that is what’s happening.

No one sends a friend from work constant messages after hours unless there is some sort of major work crisis/drama.

I say that as a woman with a male best friend of over 25 years who I see weekly, holiday with, know pretty much everything about and message with very frequently.
But not as much as your bloke with his ‘work friend’.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:29

I didn't say she was a work friend??

OP posts:
Avacardo2023 · 13/01/2024 16:29

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:37

I don't know if I'd be bothered about mini conversations but it's daily messages, sometimes 100s in 1 day. He stayed up talking to her on nye for midnight while I went to bed, and that just seemed intimate but maybe that's just me

Why didn't you stay up to see the new year in with him?

GrimDamnFanjo · 13/01/2024 16:30

I don't have any friends I send hundreds of messages to daily!

Punkkitty · 13/01/2024 16:32

@Lala727 sorry! So you didn’t, no idea where I got that from. Must be mixing up my threads! Apologies.

Whats the context of their relationship?

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:33

No problem... They met through a hobby neither of them do anymore, a few years ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:34

Avacardo2023 · 13/01/2024 16:29

Why didn't you stay up to see the new year in with him?

Show quote history

It's not something we are usually bothered about so I just went to bed. Even if it wasn't sexual, is the fact he stayed up to be with her as big of a thing as I think?

OP posts: