Page 5 | Emotional affair or nothing?

Lala727 · 2024-01-13T15:04:59+00:00

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 18:52

Riverlee · 25/01/2024 18:45

Op - so he’s still prioritising ow by saying he’ll move her. She’s at the front of his thoughts.

i think the next move is to innocently ask how he’s going to have brunch if he’s at work, and won’t he’ll be full up for lunch.

DeeDeeDaisy - yes, emotional affair in plain sight. Maybe ask him to sit and watch a film with you. What would his reaction be? Or say that you’d like to play the game this evening, and spend the evening chatting.

I just took your advice and asked that phrasing it like you suggested. He said hell be fine, she is flexible that day and said she can do whatever time he wants so hell make sure he sees her early so hell be fine for later. I lost my steam a bit there and couldnt think of anymore questions

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Epidote · 25/01/2024 18:53

If my partner on daily bases or very frequently rather to send texts to a friend until late to engage in a conversation with me, or do other stuff with me before bed time. I would be calling him out (my life) regardless of the sex/gender of the friend.

FinallyHere · 25/01/2024 18:53

Yeah, totally an EA.

I'm close to several male colleagues and have spent a lot of time with them at work.

Would think nothing of ditching any of them to have lunch with DH on my birthday. And they would be v surprised if I didn't prioritise DH.

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 18:55

FinallyHere · 25/01/2024 18:53

Yeah, totally an EA.

I'm close to several male colleagues and have spent a lot of time with them at work.

Would think nothing of ditching any of them to have lunch with DH on my birthday. And they would be v surprised if I didn't prioritise DH.

They don't work together. She wfh I think

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2jacqi · 25/01/2024 18:57

@Lala727 it is beginning to sound like you are hoping someone on here is going to write that it means absolutely nothing and he is totally innocent!!! That isnt going to happen and you are clutching at straws!! you know that no one is going to do that!! he is as guilty as sin and honestly you are making an ass of yourself by accepting his and her shitty treatment of you!! he does not even feel any guilt about what he is doing even though he knows it is wrong!!

SamW98 · 25/01/2024 18:57

FinallyHere · 25/01/2024 18:53

Yeah, totally an EA.

I'm close to several male colleagues and have spent a lot of time with them at work.

Would think nothing of ditching any of them to have lunch with DH on my birthday. And they would be v surprised if I didn't prioritise DH.

Absolutely. And if they’re just friends and she had any respect she’d say ‘go out with your wife for lunch, we can meet another time’

OP you really need to stand up to this and tell him you think it’s inappropriate for him to be meeting her on his birthday and spending so much time engaging with her and it has to stop. Right now you’re rolling over and letting him get away with an affair in plain sight.

heydgao · 25/01/2024 19:01

OP I’ve been in your situation before where totally unacceptable things my ‘D’P would do became normal for me. When I told my friends some of the things he’d done they were in total shock.

The messages plus the birthday thing are 100% EA territory.

Why are you being so accepting of him going out with another woman on his birthday? Why did he need to call her on holiday?

Have you ever met her? Does she know you exist?

You need to tell him that you find the constant messaging upsetting and that you don’t want him to see her on his birthday because you want the day to be about you and him. See how he reacts.

It is NOT normal for your DP to be investing so much time in another woman.

solice84 · 25/01/2024 19:04

Bugger this op
My partner has a female friend who is clearly obsessed with him
Also hundreds of messages a day (no exaggeration)
Her name was forever popping up
He 'forgot' we had plans a couple of times and went to see her instead
I absolutely lost my shit after f-ing me off for her when we had plans
he has since cooled this 'friendship ' right down but i absolutely will not tolerate any more bullshit like that .

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:14

To answer pp questions, I have met her and she knows I exist. I have no idea what hes told her about us though or thinking about this thread, what things like staying with her for nye might suggest to her. She's single, I know someone else asked that

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Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:15

heydgao · 25/01/2024 19:01

OP I’ve been in your situation before where totally unacceptable things my ‘D’P would do became normal for me. When I told my friends some of the things he’d done they were in total shock.

The messages plus the birthday thing are 100% EA territory.

Why are you being so accepting of him going out with another woman on his birthday? Why did he need to call her on holiday?

Have you ever met her? Does she know you exist?

You need to tell him that you find the constant messaging upsetting and that you don’t want him to see her on his birthday because you want the day to be about you and him. See how he reacts.

It is NOT normal for your DP to be investing so much time in another woman.

If I tell him I don't want him seeing her in his birthday, isnt that controlling?

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heydgao · 25/01/2024 19:22

I would tell him how uncomfortable the messages are making you feel, and therefore you would rather him not see her on his birthday because it is making you feel like you’re not his priority.

You don’t have to say he can never see her again, or make any demands of him.

just telling him how all of this is making you feel should be enough for him to realise he’s crossing boundaries that are unacceptable to you.

theres a difference between controlling someone and not letting them walk all over you and treat you like shit.

JanefromLondon1 · 25/01/2024 19:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:27

Sorry a pp asked if ive seen them together and I have. They seemed like very good friends

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solice84 · 25/01/2024 19:30

Just for context, sorry if you've already answered some of these :

How long have you been together?
How long have they known each other ?
How long has this 'friendship' been this intense?
Have you ever made made it known that you're not 100 % comfortable it?
Have they been ever actually had any sort of relationship or anything more than friendship in the past ?
How old is everyone ?

Riverlee · 25/01/2024 19:30

Maybe don’t ban him as such, but query why he sees the need to have both brunch and a nice lunch, and wouldn’t lunch suffice?

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:38

solice84 · 25/01/2024 19:30

Just for context, sorry if you've already answered some of these :

How long have you been together?
How long have they known each other ?
How long has this 'friendship' been this intense?
Have you ever made made it known that you're not 100 % comfortable it?
Have they been ever actually had any sort of relationship or anything more than friendship in the past ?
How old is everyone ?

We are 30s but I think she is younger but not not by much. Wegot together about 5 years ago but were long ish distance (next city over) , seeing each other at weekends until covid when we moved in together, talked about starting a family and I was pregnant during the pandemic. He met her a few months after our child was born and she's been a fixture ever since. When they first met he spoke about get a lot and I said I didnt like it and wanted to meet her which I eventually did. My brother was there at the time and said to me he looked at her glowy eyed or something like that and I told him hed assured me they are friends only as why would she come over. He did tell her I wanted to meet her though and I wasn't happy how that made me look. But that was a few years ago and everything has been fine since

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solice84 · 25/01/2024 19:43

The fact that you pre-date her makes it so much worse
My partner's 'friend' pre-dates me by a long shot and is 15 years older than us, but I still put my foot down over the level of co-dependency they had . I wasn't willing to tolerate it. Had she been a man , I'd have been even more suspicious to be honest . I'd have been convinced he was in the closet.
Normal friendships aren't like this.
It's absolutely not on at all .

So you have children with him also ?

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:45

Riverlee · 25/01/2024 19:30

Maybe don’t ban him as such, but query why he sees the need to have both brunch and a nice lunch, and wouldn’t lunch suffice?

Does that not just sound like Im telling him not to see her? I think im worried what his response will be

I also don't want to tell him not to or make him not see her. I just dont want him to want to see her?

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SamW98 · 25/01/2024 19:46

Totally agree with a PP there’s a huge difference between being controlling and letting him treat you like a mug.

You need to tell him that seeing her on his birthday along with the amount of time they’re engaging with each other doesn’t feel appropriate and it’s making you uneasy. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

And this woman has no respect either to be so involved with a man she knows has a wife and child.

Please tell him how you feel. None of us have want to see a thread in a few months saying you thought they were just friends but he’s left you for her.

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:46

solice84 · 25/01/2024 19:43

The fact that you pre-date her makes it so much worse
My partner's 'friend' pre-dates me by a long shot and is 15 years older than us, but I still put my foot down over the level of co-dependency they had . I wasn't willing to tolerate it. Had she been a man , I'd have been even more suspicious to be honest . I'd have been convinced he was in the closet.
Normal friendships aren't like this.
It's absolutely not on at all .

So you have children with him also ?

We have 1,yes

OP posts:

solice84 · 25/01/2024 19:49

There was a very very similar thread not so long ago where the op was asking the same questions.
He then moved out and is living with his so called 'friend' now.

Honestly op I'm angry for you .

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:49

SamW98 · 25/01/2024 19:46

Totally agree with a PP there’s a huge difference between being controlling and letting him treat you like a mug.

You need to tell him that seeing her on his birthday along with the amount of time they’re engaging with each other doesn’t feel appropriate and it’s making you uneasy. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

And this woman has no respect either to be so involved with a man she knows has a wife and child.

Please tell him how you feel. None of us have want to see a thread in a few months saying you thought they were just friends but he’s left you for her.

I have no idea what hes told her about us. We arent a pda couple so when we have been around each other he has sat with her and ive been busy with others so maybe she thinks its fine and I know everything. I have no idea

I just told him I would prefer the day just us and he joked that as it is his birthday, isnt he the one who decides what to do. When he saw I wasnt laughing, he agreed so hopefully that says something

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RosieAway · 25/01/2024 19:53

Not one person has said this is nothing. We’ve fairly unanimously agreed it’s an emotional affair at the very least. Sorry to say but in my experience, it sounds more than that. I have known men to be spinning the other woman complete BS about needing to break up with their partners, promising to etc and the partner has zero idea. Ie stringing two women along.
If you’re scared to confront him I believe that’s because you don’t want to know the truth that you actually do already know.
I’ve had friends go straight to the other woman too to ask… but I’d start with him. Like, now. Don’t torture yourself.

Original poster

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 19:55

How did that go, your friends asking the woman?

Actually your right. No pp disagreed. Thats really hit home reading that. I might step away from this thread as I think your right, I need to just say it to him. Thank you for all the patience with me

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RosieAway · 25/01/2024 20:01

@Lala727 the other woman in this case was this guy’s wife who he’d been telling my friend for years he was going to leave, they weren’t even sleeping together etc. My friend showed her his millions of messages and they were all lies. The wife was shocked but was thankful my friend had asked her (friend hadn’t slept with him but had done other stuff and was waiting for him to leave her)… so went OK. She ended up staying with him though (the wife, even though it wasn’t the first time he’d cheated etc). It’s a risk though as this woman may be in cahoots with your partner and willing to cover things up.