Emotional affair or nothing?

[Lala727]

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

I've been here and I'm so sorry for you. The thing is that you can't make someone end a relationship - it doesn't work like that. You can't make him want something, either.

I would play the long game and say to him, "I'm not having this and I don't know anyone who would tolerate it, either. I want the marriage to end. I'm going to call the estate agent and a solicitor tomorrow."

Now he'll either think shit, I'm going to lose everything and I don't want that, and he'll dump this woman and pay attention to you (this might not change your mind, though) or he will take the opportunity and run with it.

Either way, you're in control of the situation. It's awful as it stands, with him lying and talking to her all the time, and not being anything like a good husband to you. You can't live like that.

If you don't take a stand now, you'll be in the same position in years to come until one day either he'll leave or you'll go crazy and tell him to get the hell out.

I don’t know, you need to confront him and tell him what you know, maybe the shock of knowing he has been found out will knock some sense into him and get him to realise what he could potentially loose and destroy…..if it’s some kind of infatuation maybe he will be able to knock it on its head and ye can move forward with a lot of counselling

Theres no point, we are over ive just not told him yet. Going by what ive read so far, I think hell be relieved so I dont want to shock him or get him to choose me

Here for a handhold @Lala727

Thank you. What is making me sad is seeing how different there conversations are than ours ever were even at the beginning. I dont think hes ever felt so passionately about me or us. We only had sex once every couple of weeks or so and that was fine for both of us but there's so many deleted messages and probably photos that its different and he actually cares about her a lot which makes me feel sick

Im sorting out my finances and trying to plan what I want so when I tell him, that's it. we are in the process of remortgaging so im not sure how I'm going to back out of that somehow

@Lala727

Really sad hearing your updates but at least you know the truth now and can start to get your ducks in a row to move on.

Sending love to you and your DC ❤️

Duplicate post

@Lala727, your despair is palpable and my heart goes out to you.

That he pursued this connection after you had just given birth and has been actively deepening it ever since is indeed sickening. His abuse of your trust, dishonesty, and disrespect of both you and your child are monumental.

I admire your making definitive plans in response to his infidelity, @Lala727. What is your timeline? Is the remortgaging deadline approaching?

@Lala727 I totally get that- when I found all these poems and songs my H had written about some young thing (he was 40 at the time) and knowing that he had for quite a period always been 'popping round to sort something' I was absolutely heartbroken - it made a total mug of my trust. Seeing it in black and white is truly horrible. I never had songs and poems written for me, despite running our business and totally tolerating his moods and temper- we stayed together but he went down in my opinion I have to admit.

I'm sorry @Crikeyalmighty . That must have been hard, although unless my DH was Alex Turner I'd have gotten such an ick from the songs, I might have packed his bags for him!

@OVienna if it wasn't for the fact I found out 10 years after that period (I found all the stuff in a drawer) it would def have been curtains for him - the ick has never really recovered 100%

@Crikeyalmighty is he even a musician?!

Yes - but not as his main job

@Crikeyalmighty Honestly - I'm glad things worked out. But think of the pranks you'd have up your sleeve if you ever needed to enact revenge. Self-publishing the poems, claiming you're the author? Taking up the ukulele and saying you've penned some songs to launch on Britain's Got Talent? He'd have to sit there, mute!

@OVienna believe me, if we ever separate I will do it 'in a song' written by me!!

I'm a bit of a cynic these days about things because unlike others saying there must have been something wrong in your relationship, If there was , it was totally news to me! The only mitigating thing was that I don't think he was in a good place at the time, his mum terminally ill, business with issues etc - I think it was a distraction

@Lala727, how are things going?

My husband had an emotional affair with a woman from work, though he adamantly disagreed with me. Apparently, they were colleagues on a nodding term only. They were not friends and he didn't even like her as a person. She was boring. All his words, his excuses when I confronted him after finding so many messages on his phone. They had been messaging for 4-5 months. Including, the evening of my birthday when we were out with friends. He still found time to message this woman back and forth...

On a family holiday to florida, he sent her a selfie, even messaged her from the airport, giving her the flight updates and time the plane landed back in the uk!

Nothing explicit but friendly with him always asking her how she was at the end of a conversation.
Several times, she asked him out for coffee. There was no indication in the messages they had met other than one time I joined them at a coffee shop. Apparently, this was an accidental meeting...

I had no clue until one evening during a video call to friends, a tiny message alert popped up on his I pad. Instantly, he grabbed his phone and began reading then tapping away. Even when I asked if it was urgent, he ignored me. He ignored our friends on the video call too. When asked later who it was, he replied work. No name. But this was a message in the evening. He works office hours. He never gets messages or calls put of hours. So instantly I was highly suspicious. There was another woman in my husbands life. My world crashed down.

Of course he denied having a secret - it was many weeks before he said sorry and many months later before he admitted to being flattered by this woman and said he must have liked the attention. It was an error of misjudgement. It was not going anywhere. And he never intended to hurt me - all his words...

So we are a few months down the line and moving on together. We have 43 years of married life together. Happy I thought.

I'm reassured there is no contact between my husband and this woman now.

However, I feel my marriage is blighted with the memories of these text messages and conversations with him since; however loving, positive and reassuring he is.

Will I ever forgive him?

@Rubyredlegs sorry to hear this. I suggest you start your own new thread on the Relationships board and you will likely receive some good advice.

First time poster here so didn't realise I posted on someone's else's thread.

@Rubyredlegs, you’ll receive a lot of support if you start your own thread. The blue button is on the top right.

And would the same be true of a similar number of messages to a male friend with no sexual content?

It doesn't seem like an emotional affair to me. Would you have the same concerns if the same messages were being sent to a male friend of his? Friends don't fulfil the same needs that our intimate relationships do. There's nothing wrong with having a good close friend of the opposite sex, there's nothing wrong with sharing relationship problems with our friends, male or female and there's nothing wrong with sending many messages a day to a friend. Millions of people do it. It seems to me that you're looking for validation of your belief that this guy has done something wrong and I'm sorry but I just don't believe that he has.

They had a date simply by virtue of both being awake and chatting to each other? What an odd take on it

Perhaps if you read a thread properly, you would 'believe' differently

@Lala727 I read the entire thread... I'm still not seeing the emotional affair unless there's additional information that hasn't been posted?