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Original poster

Emotional affair or nothing?

232 replies

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 15:04

Would you consider 100s of messages on your partners phone to a female friend, even without sexual content, an emotional affair or just friends chatting?

OP posts:
ItsBeenRaining · 13/01/2024 19:00

This reads to me like you are the ow fishing for how meaningful the chats are by volume and without sexual content.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 13/01/2024 19:00

Yeh he talked to me about her a lot, at the very start I was quite proud of him for helping her and I even offered suggestions (what a fucking idiot I was)

Avacardo2023 · 13/01/2024 19:07

ItsBeenRaining · 13/01/2024 19:00

This reads to me like you are the ow fishing for how meaningful the chats are by volume and without sexual content.

Yes sorry but it does sound like this, and not the first time the OP has asked for opinions about relationships "for a friend".

I do think seeing in the new year can be an intimate thing. I know many others aren't bothered but I wouldn't go to bed and leave my DH downstairs on the sofa alone on New Year's Eve. It would feel sad somehow. But that's just me.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 19:07

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 13/01/2024 19:00

Yeh he talked to me about her a lot, at the very start I was quite proud of him for helping her and I even offered suggestions (what a fucking idiot I was)

I'm really sorry. I asked that as he talks to me about her and I found that reassuring. Maybe I shouldn't have if that was your experience

OP posts:
Duckingella · 13/01/2024 19:08

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:29

I didn't say she was a work friend??

99% of the time it's either a woman the man has met at work or via a hobby.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 19:10

Avacardo2023 · 13/01/2024 19:07

Yes sorry but it does sound like this, and not the first time the OP has asked for opinions about relationships "for a friend".

I do think seeing in the new year can be an intimate thing. I know many others aren't bothered but I wouldn't go to bed and leave my DH downstairs on the sofa alone on New Year's Eve. It would feel sad somehow. But that's just me.

Show quote history

Why do pp do this? Speculating on a real persons life is really horrible. Good for you if that's what you think. You're able to not reply. I have posted about a friends situation before and said that quite clearly. Now I'm posting about my own.

Thank you for the helpful responses

OP posts:
TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 13/01/2024 19:13

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 19:07

I'm really sorry. I asked that as he talks to me about her and I found that reassuring. Maybe I shouldn't have if that was your experience

Show quote history

Of course every situation is different, but it would definitely have my spidey sense tingling if I was you. I'm much less trusting because of it, we were together 17 years with 3 young kids and it all meant nothing, not that I'm bitter 😂. But actually I'm glad it all happened, and I'm glad I finally managed to scrape myself together and talk to him about it. I'm much happier without him, I function better and I have the kids the majority of the time and they are much more settled, after a period of grieving.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 19:16

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 13/01/2024 19:13

Of course every situation is different, but it would definitely have my spidey sense tingling if I was you. I'm much less trusting because of it, we were together 17 years with 3 young kids and it all meant nothing, not that I'm bitter 😂. But actually I'm glad it all happened, and I'm glad I finally managed to scrape myself together and talk to him about it. I'm much happier without him, I function better and I have the kids the majority of the time and they are much more settled, after a period of grieving.

Show quote history

I'm not glad you went through that but I'm glad you've put such a positive turn on it. Your post has made me think as he probably talks about her most when mentioning people or telling me whatever is going on for her and it's put a different slant on it now

OP posts:
DaisyandIvy · 13/01/2024 19:17

‘ he talks to me about her and I found that reassuring. Maybe I shouldn't have if that was your experience.’

It’s the opposite of that. The word is ‘mentionitus’.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 19:18

DaisyandIvy · 13/01/2024 19:17

‘ he talks to me about her and I found that reassuring. Maybe I shouldn't have if that was your experience.’

It’s the opposite of that. The word is ‘mentionitus’.

I feel a bit stupid now that I took it as a good sign at first. I'll Google that word

OP posts:
OutFromUnderYou · 13/01/2024 19:21

I had severe mentionitis and I suspect my husband knew enough, but has chosen to ride my nonsense out with grace. If he hadn't we may not have a marriage right now.

The thing is - it's likely a crush that's not being physically acted upon. For me it was like an insanity took me over, I would have died of shock if you'd told me what would happen.

It depends what you want - to ride it out and see if it fades by itself like most crushes do, or to end your marriage.

SamW98 · 13/01/2024 19:21

DaisyandIvy · 13/01/2024 19:17

‘ he talks to me about her and I found that reassuring. Maybe I shouldn't have if that was your experience.’

It’s the opposite of that. The word is ‘mentionitus’.

Yep. Last guy I dated started mentioning a women he kept bumping into at places when he was out with friends. I’d never heard of her so looked her up in FB and he was continually commenting on her posts with ❤️

I now know through mutual friends he was chasing her but she wasn’t interested. They do it to play it down and convince you she’s just a friend

DaisyandIvy · 13/01/2024 19:26

You’re not stupid. I only know about it because it happened to me. You don’t know about such things until they happen to you.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 13/01/2024 19:39

Lala727 · 13/01/2024 16:17

Can you explain the openly disrespectful? I was already in bed hours before, not that that changes him staying up to be with her

Show quote history

Why didn’t you sit up to bring New Years in with him or why didn’t he go up with you ?
Is she a distraction to fill a void ?
Are you both happy?

Sounds from what you said he prefers to stay up say happy new to her than be with you .
He’s using his energy thoughts and time for another women. He’s getting something from her he doesn’t get from you .because he’s choosing too.

Original poster
Lala727 · 13/01/2024 19:41

Thank you. I'm sorry pp have gone through the same. I'm still hopeful it's just being a bit stupid because I don't understand how he'd be aware of what he's doing and do it so obviously

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 13/01/2024 19:46

@Lala727, his mentionitis will be meant to throw you off the scent so he can carry on his affair in plain sight.

He is gaining validation from this OW. He is hugely gratified by their closeness. The intensity of investment, over-frequent interactions, mentionitis, evening/night time connecting (cue intimate), devoting NYE to her, reaching out during your trip … all of these suggest an obsession with her and what they’re building.

How is his investment and intimacy in your relationship?

daysoff · 13/01/2024 22:31

How long have you been together?

MsDogLady · 13/01/2024 23:27

@Lala727, how long has their dynamic involved this intense level of contact?

They clearly share a mutual attraction and emotional reliance. It sounds like this was a friendship which over time became more intimate, and has now crossed the slippery slope into EA territory because no appropriate boundaries were put in place.

He feels entitled to reach out and spend so much time with OW because her attention energizes and validates him. It’s not on, @Lala727. I daresay that 100s of messages each day & night, plus calls, would be considered a totally inappropriate breach in most monogamous relationships.

How would he feel if you were over-investing in an OM like this? He is aware of his infatuation, but must be confident that he can sell this EA to you as a safe platonic friendship. In my view, your relationship is very much under threat because his head has turned and he has definitively chosen to be involved and invested elsewhere.

I wouldn’t sit by watching his infidelity. I’m not interested in being in anyone’s ego triangle, so it would be game over for me.

Burntouted · 14/01/2024 17:37

He isn't going to stop, unless he wants to.
Chances are, he isn't anytime soon..perhaps this will remain a constant for the remainder of his life.

Both are being disrespectful.

Please learn how to respect yourself and learn how to love yourself...perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you.

You have probably known about this early on and have remained...even if you just became aware, you are choosing to remain ..still hoping he will become your ideal partner.

It's not weird for him to vent to his alleged friend or someone he feels comfortable with about anything (you're on here venting about him).. it's not inappropriate to communicate with anyone daily...

As long as there is balance, respect for your partner and relationship. It's not appropriate that he's acting as if he were single, disrespecting and neglecting you.

You are aware of his behaviors, and you are aware that he prefers to communicate, devote a lot of time, energy, and attention towards her and their dynamic.

There isn't anything to work out. He prefers her over you.

Don't allow yourself to remain a doormat.

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 25/01/2024 12:14

How are things @Lala727

youlied · 25/01/2024 12:28

Definitely EA. This is how the relationship with my STBXH began with a work colleague. He then changed personality became cruel and cold towards me until I left and is now in a relationship with her!
I'm far happier now but it nearly broke me at the time. They deserve each other!

Original poster
Lala727 · 25/01/2024 16:12

WhenWereYouUnderMe · 25/01/2024 12:14

How are things @Lala727

I dont really know but thank you for caring to ask. Im not sure what to do at the moment, im mulling. Its his birthday in a few weeks and I suggested he take the day off to spend together and he said he could do a shorter day. Then I bit the bullet and asked if he had plans to see her. I meant in general but he answered that she would probably be taking him for lunch on his birthday like she had last year. The fact he said it would before have reassured me but the mentionitus stuff has me thinking otherwise maybe. Either way, him making sure he sees her on his birthday isnt great, is it?

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 25/01/2024 16:18

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 16:12

I dont really know but thank you for caring to ask. Im not sure what to do at the moment, im mulling. Its his birthday in a few weeks and I suggested he take the day off to spend together and he said he could do a shorter day. Then I bit the bullet and asked if he had plans to see her. I meant in general but he answered that she would probably be taking him for lunch on his birthday like she had last year. The fact he said it would before have reassured me but the mentionitus stuff has me thinking otherwise maybe. Either way, him making sure he sees her on his birthday isnt great, is it?

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Can you find out where they might go for lunch? have you ever seen them together, as in how they interract with each other? And how they interact when you are not around.
Might be good to either put your mind at rest, or unfortunately confirm your fears, to perhaps 'observe' that lunch somehow. Or just accidently pop in and say hi.

But I would say hundreds of messages daily, staying up NYE to chat with her, mentioning her alot to you, all points to emotional affair.

Does he know you see the messages? Just wondering if he deletes any.

itsmyp4rty · 25/01/2024 16:34

Lala727 · 25/01/2024 16:12

I dont really know but thank you for caring to ask. Im not sure what to do at the moment, im mulling. Its his birthday in a few weeks and I suggested he take the day off to spend together and he said he could do a shorter day. Then I bit the bullet and asked if he had plans to see her. I meant in general but he answered that she would probably be taking him for lunch on his birthday like she had last year. The fact he said it would before have reassured me but the mentionitus stuff has me thinking otherwise maybe. Either way, him making sure he sees her on his birthday isnt great, is it?

Show quote history

He's already decided on lunch with her for his birthday before he's even talked to you about it - and then when you suggest spending the day together he makes it clear his priority is lunch with her and you have to fit in around that? Not to mention the bazillion messages and staying up all night to message her.

Fuck that OP, he's taking you for a complete mug.

RosieAway · 25/01/2024 16:52

Absolute emotional affair. If he can’t go a day or two without messaging, then they’re leaning on each other for a lot more than friendship